Parting ways

[Audrey]

It seems that a previously close friend has decided to let me go.  She was one of the first people I met here when I moved and I helped her alot through some tough times she was having with her kids.  Well the other nite I joined her and some other friends at the bar, which I seldom go to BTW, I don't drink much anymore. 

It was almost closing time and I had just gotten done at the gym.  After having one drink I went with a group of us to her house for a little "after party".  She was undeniably drunk as were about everyone else.  Right about the time I was going to leave (4 am) she was mumbling about how "they won't leave".  Thats when I told her that I was going to go home and that I was tired. 

She looked at me half cockeyed and said "do you think that your the only person in the world that is tired?"  I answered "no" but was slightly confused as she said it in a really accusational tone of voice.  She then proceeded to go off about how I didn't care about anyone else since I started my transistion and all she ever hears about is "audrey, audrey, audrey...."  Then she went one further and said  "I had helped her through a rough time and that maybe she had helped me as well, but anything other than that has been ->-bleeped-<-". 

So there I was dumbfounded and all I could think to say was goodnite and walk out the door.  I am not sure why she was so mad at me.  All I can think of is that maybe because I don't come around much anymore because I am busy with work etc.  We don't seem to have that much in common anyway so its not like we have really deep conversations, but we used to get along really well.  And if I bother her so much with my transistion why did she not say anything before about it.  I thought she was genuinly interested in the whole process and some of my experiences with it.  Prehaps I will not volunteer information about my life anymore unless asked. 

I also feel betrayed that she did not give me enough respect to tell me in private but instead reamed my a$$ in front of everyone.  I've never said ANYTHING bad about her, ever.  Also I bothers me that she never calls me by my name or uses the right pronouns, except when I correct her, even though everytime I have seen her in the past two years I was presenting as female. 

The more I think about it I get madder about it because how can she say that when I have been nothing but a good friend.  Unlike any of her other friends I have never borrowed money from her, stolen from her (or anyone for that matter).  I came over and "talked her down" multiple times when she was depressed and wanting to end it.  And she has the audacity to call me selfish, and self absorbed, please. 

Basically what I have learned from this is not to be friends with unstable people that like to drink to much.  Or maybe anyone for that matter.  I guess her words "people equal ->-bleeped-<-" rings true.

Audrey   

[buttercup]

I feel for you Audrey, it would have hurt massively being told off in front of everyone.  Drink can really bring the worst out in people.  She was probably harbouring those feelings for a little while, and when you wouldn't do what she asks, she lets it rip!!  Nasty girl.  Try and remember the good parts of that relationship and move on.  You're a good person, and she will realise what she's missing when you're not in her life anymore!
I recently had a huge fall-out with my brother, I've had some doozies with him before, but this time I think it is for keeps.  I'll probably never see or hear from him again.  Yes, sometimes people give me the sh*ts!  They give you nothing but grief, You can help them, do whatever for them and then when you want to share your life or problems, they chuck a tanty!!!      

[NicholeW.]

"People don't equal ->-bleeped-<-," but drunks can make anyone who isn't feel like ->-bleeped-<- very often. When we are drunk we get very depressed, bodily and mentally. What begins as lightening up and having fun generally progresses into despair and resentment easily enough.

Whether or not you end the friendship is a personal call for you. I wouldn't presume to tell you one way or another about that. But, I will tell you that you probably shouldn't worry yourself too much over the words of a drunken person. Most of us tend to heap a pile of crap on those we trust and really do care for. When a person is drunk they very often 'go off' on the person they feel closest to.

Rule of thumb: if you're gonna have a drink with someone, make it a someone that you are aware can stop. If their drinking, or yours, starts to progress beyond beyond about a drink an hour definitely consider excusing yourself and going elsewhere.

No, you don't sound self-absorbed or as though you are selfish. Not at all. I know the words hurt and I can understand your anger. For your own sake, allow yourself to let it go. After all, it was drunken words from a person who has a heap of crap on her plate and seems unable to find another way to cope with it.

It's not a problem with you, sweetie. It's a problem with her.

Hugs,

Nichole

[Audrey]

Thanks gals,  I think that I'll leave the relationship on ice for awhile.  I couldn't even post about it until two days later as it left me with a realllllyyy sickening feeling kind of like when you have a nightmare and then you realize that it is not a dream.   I literally wasn't sure of what she was saying at the moment and she wasn't slurring her words or anything.  It was that strange to hear her talk to me so meanly.  It really, really disturbs me.  I still am not sure of what to think about it.

Audrey

[LynnER]

* LynnER huggles Nichole...

"Friends" can be shiitty sometimes, but that goes for everyone sometimes...

Allot of my so called friends have done similar things to me, some of these friends Ive dropped, some of them despite there ocasional viciousness are still worth keeping around...

They feel betraied in some ways by our transition and nomatter what you do, that feeling will allways be there, though it may fade in time like a bad scar....

I hope you consider and maby try to work things out with your friend... She was drunk and that dosnt help the situation... <maby she didnt want to be left alone with those other people>

[lady amarant]

Hey Audrey,

Sorry you had to go through that. Friends can be ... difficult. I think LynnER is right

They feel betraied in some ways by our transition and nomatter what you do, that feeling will allways be there, though it may fade in time like a bad scar....

I suppose it's that whole loss and mourning thing. I've noticed my best friend drifting away from me rather rapidly since my transition, and I'm not even on HRT yet. (though soon now!) I don't blame him though - he has his own issues to deal with, and dealing with mine on top is too much, I suppose.

As buttercup said, remember the good parts of the relationship, assuming it does come to an end.

[Hazumu]

Audrey;

Can I commiserate by sharing a similar experience?

I was chatting with someone I'd been friendly with at the TS/TG support group.  I brought up a topic that I didn't know she harbored strong feelings about...

Disengagement didn't work...

Placating didn't work...

What really hurt me was her repetition of  "I like you, Karen, I've said so, but [I'm right and you're wrong.]

I don't think fast in those situations, but I was aware of all the verbal assault techniques she was using, detailed in the 'Verbal self-defense' books.  Her verbal rage was insurmountable, and I was left with the option of 'dissing' her by saying I no longer cared to talk with her, and getting up to move to a different table.

I expect the chances are slim we will ever have anything more than forced 'polite' exchanges for quite a while.

I have to reconcile myself to the fact that any closeness was probably illusory, and this incident with this person would have happened sooner or later.

It hurts, don't it?

Karen

[Steph]

<Snip>
She looked at me half cockeyed and said "do you think that your the only person in the world that is tired?"  I answered "no" but was slightly confused as she said it in a really accusational tone of voice.  She then proceeded to go off about how I didn't care about anyone else since I started my transistion and all she ever hears about is "audrey, audrey, audrey...."  Then she went one further and said  "I had helped her through a rough time and that maybe she had helped me as well, but anything other than that has been ->-bleeped-<-". 

<Snip>

Audrey 

It's a really tough situation to have to deal with and not really knowing anything about your friend I would have to ask - was she really a friend, or just an acquaintance, as true friends will stick by your side no matter what.

Another observation (And this is not meant as a criticism in any way) is that I've noticed that we all tend to get wrapped up in our transitions, and understandably so.  I can remember not so long ago when ever someone who knew about me would ask "How are things with you" the conversation would always end up about my transition, my TS'm, my RLT, my, my, my...  It can put a strain on any relationship, just ask Gill she'll tell you.

Steph

[tekla]

Steph might have a point, perhaps you should sit down and think if that is true that 'its been all about me' of late.  Do you turn every conversation into the "Audrey's Transition" hour?  She is right, you're not the only one who gets tired?  Have you asked her about herself of late? 

[lady amarant]

Another observation (And this is not meant as a criticism in any way) is that I've noticed that we all tend to get wrapped up in our transitions, and understandably so.  I can remember not so long ago when ever someone who knew about me would ask "How are things with you" the conversation would always end up about my transition, my TS'm, my RLT, my, my, my...  It can put a strain on any relationship, just ask Gill she'll tell you.

Steph

Mind you, I've been catching myself doing that ALOT too. I think the problem is that, at least early on, there is little in (my life anyway) besides transition. It seems I'm always fighting with doctors, or budgeting HRT, or exercising to lose muscle, or, or, or. I'm turning bloody boring!

[tekla]

The Romans, who knew a little something about drinking said, In Vino Veritas, so she might not have meant to say it, but I'm sure she meant what she said - the question then is why?

And any relationship based on drinking requires the same amount be done on both sides so you both can't remember what happened in the morning.

[saraswatidevi]

Hi Audrey,

Please keep in mind that conversations go both ways. If she got tired of hearing about your transition she did have  a responsibility to say so at the time. It sounds like that is what happened and she didn't say so. Then all those repressed feelings came pouring out at an inappropriate time under the influence of alcohol. That part sounds like what happens when people repress what they really feel.

But the other part; not using the right name. That is a different matter and, in my opinion, more telling. Using the name that someone prefers is what people do to accommodate their friends. It is not difficult to make the switch unless there is something else going on. She has issues and they are not your fault. Don't beat up on yourself.

[siouxsie]

I've heard a lot worse things uttered at 4 am in a drunken stupor.  But my condolences nonetheless, I think you have a right be hurt.

Do you think she even remembers telling this?  I would confront her and ask her if she meant that (but only when she is sober!!!)  Contrary to popular belief, people don't automatically tell the truth when they are drinking.  Alcohol distorts the thought processes.     

As far as losing friendships while transitioning, I can relate to that.  The sad part is I can't pin the blame on alcohol.

[lady amarant]

And any relationship based on drinking requires the same amount be done on both sides so you both can't remember what happened in the morning.

Very, very wise words, I'd say.

[tekla]

Only because I've been there once or twice.

[Purple Pimp]

Some friends are like that, very fair weather.  They'll hang around while you're both down, but the minute their situation improves, they're out the door (or, inversely, you start living your life and they get jealous of your success).  I had a friend once that I talked down a time or two, and the second he got a boyfriend, I never heard from him again.  Some people are like that.

Lia

[Ms Bev]

I can understand, fully.  When I went full time, my very best friend dropped me like so much trash.  All of her previous "support" of my being ts was apparently a lie, and in no time flat, she was on the side of other people who would have nothing to do with me.

One thing I was told before coming out, was that it would sort out my friends and family for me, and nothing I could do would stop it.  They were soooo right.

On the brighter side, the friends I have left, and the new friends I've made, are what they are....friends.

Lucky for me, I didn't lose one single family member, near or far.  Blessed might be a better word.

What kind of friend would not call you by your true name, or use proper pronouns for that long?  The hurt will last a long time, but it will fade, and you will reach a point where it is no longer painful, and you will wonder what it was that was attractive about the relationship in the first place.



Bev

[Berliegh]

It happens a lot.....and I have had similar experiences....people start to acuse you of only thinking of yourself or it's 'Berliegh this or Berliegh that'.....but in fact I never really talk much about my transition but more often than not ....it's other people who start up the conversation about it and not us......then if you answer a question they have asked they emmediately acuse you of talking about yourself...

[Audrey]

Well thats just it.  Usually when I am spending time with friends and there is someone there who is curious about it, the conversation does turn into Audrey's Transition Hour without any effort on my behalf.  So what do I do just plain tell them "I don't want to talk about it". 

The reason that I my transition has been going well so far is my openess about it.  So if I open up about it to someone that is curious and my friends are around that it is "old news" to then I get accused of being self absorbed.  I just can't figure out how to find a middle ground where new friends can get to know my situation and my old friends don't get pissy about it.     And I don't usually bring up the subject on my own.  For example one of my newer friends that I met last fall didn't know for at least 3-4 months until someone told him. 

Audrey