what if...

[MissKatie]

what if I am making all this up?
I don't mean on a conscious level but a subconscious one.
maybe I don't actually am not female but just craving attention?
I have days where I feel strongly that I am female and that is that.
I have other days where I think I am male and don't want to live as a female as I am so reclusive and females are open and friendly.
Do I really want people to just accept me as I am?
I don't really relate to a lot of male traits whatsoever, casual sex, being the best at anything, bragging and chest beating seems so alien to me.
I just want a quiet life where I can just go about my business with nobody bothering me.
perhaps I am terrified of taking that leap and then everyone laughs at me and says "you idiot, you are a man"
I want to blend into the background and just exist and I fear as a trans woman that will never happen and with my awful self esteem and self confidence it'd only take one mean comment and I would contemplate doing stupid things.
the fact I have long hair, wear limited makeup daily and have 95℅ female clothes is all circumstantial and that really deep down I am a man that just is an attention whore or rather needs positive affirmations to go on with life.

I know nobody is a psychiatrist here sure and this is just a vent but has anyone else felt anything similar?

[Alice (nym)]

It is natural to have doubts, and it is healthy to ask those very questions.

I do regularly. There are days when I wake up thinking 'wtf am I doing?'

The way I see myself through those doubts is to remind myself that I've had this since I was 2 years old and men don't find themselves breaking into tears in a supermarket because they are not a woman. (women don't do that either but I think you get where I am coming from with the dysphoria thing).

Some people will have other underlying issues that might need dealing with first. So it is healthy to think about those.

But don't be afraid to ask those questions... the people who don't ask them are the ones who should worry (ok I stole that bit from a wonderful person who is helping me - but it is wisdom).

love
Alice

[Jessica_Rose]

Miss Katie, your heart already knows the answer. Very few of us are 100% anything, but we know when something doesn't feel right. Some of us need decades (like me) to figure this out, and along the way we slowly become angrier and more miserable every year. Many of us just want to live out our lives in peace, and to truly find peace we must become the person we were meant to be. Occasionally I wonder if I am on the right path, but it only takes a second or two for me to remember the dark pit of anger where I used to dwell.

I never really felt like I was a woman. I thought I was just a cross-dresser with severe anger issues. It wasn't until I linked those together that I realized I was transgender. Once I saw the connection I knew the path I had to take. This may be the most difficult decision of your life, and have confidence in yourself to make the right choice. I wish you all the best.

Love always -- Jessica Rose

[Sinclair]

Yes, I have felt similar things but I'm not happy contemplating any of the alternatives. This is a very hard and stressful path to walk for me and many others. I'm constantly asking questions to myself and some doubts still linger, but the fact that every day when I wake up I'm looking forward to the next step, whatever that may be for the day. Best wishes. 

[KathyLauren]

I have been on these forums for over three years now, and in that time it seems to me that just about everyone has those feelings.  I had the doubts bad enough that it took me several decades to make the decision to transition.  (I don't recommend that!)

It is totally normal.  You would be leaving behind some stuff that kind of worked for you, and a lot that is familiar, and that is hard to do.

The fact that you are even considering the possibility of transition strongly suggests that you are trans.  But it is you that will have to decide what, if anything, you want to do about it.

[randim]

Attention seekers don't want to live quietly in the background. The fact that you prefer wonen's clothes and hairstyles can't be dismissed. How you want to present reflects something deep inside you. Is it problematic? Yes. But is it true? Only you can say but if I were betting I'd bet on yes.

[Sarah77]

Miss Katie, I get it..except instead of attention seeking, what if it's just
boredom of life, or grass being greener?

I always think of the bird in the hand phrase..

I've got to the point where I know everything being equal..no question I want to live as a female.

The hard part is everything ISN'T equal.

I've everything from family, work and friends in the male pile.
...and only my internal feelings in the female ole.

So doubts are constant and that awful feeling that transition will be the most selfish act
I ever carry out...and a leap into the unknown.