my ebbs and flows of dysphoria

[MissKatie]

I've heard of dysphoria coming in waves and I do think this is true for me as well.

I have periods of time where I KNOW without a doubt I am a woman and I make plans to see a doctor because it's overwhelming.

At some time later I will have doubts usually brought about by some bad photos or critical comments and I doubt I am mentally strong enough to go ahead with transition because people will laugh at me.

Ive always been very sensitive about my looks and when these doubts kick in my dysphoria drops back to very low levels and I wonder if I made it all up.

Then time passes and the dysphoria will creep back in. rinse and repeat.

This is so strange and it's causing a lot of issues. Say I go ahead and go on HRT and everything is grand and wonderful and then the dysphoria stops again, not because I am a woman but because I've accepted I have socially adapted to live entirely as a man and I won't ever pass properly.

I know for a lot of trans women passing isn't all that and I know I would still be valid if I didn't pass but for me, passing would be essential, or at least passing enough to not get stared at by everyone.
ignore my photo here, it's filtered and all that stuff. I'm not being critical when I say I don't look anything like that without a wig and the right lighting and perfect makeup days, I look like a man with lippie on.

how many of us feel like this? it's okay to have doubts and that I know but is it normal to have this many?

[KathyLauren]

It is definitely normal to have lots of doubts. 

It is a little unusual to have your dysphoria go away when you think of NOT transitioning.  It is more common for it to go away when you make progress towards transitioning.  Are you sure it is the dysphoria that goes away and not the fear? 

If HRT + living as a man makes your dysphoria go away, that sounds like a good thing.  Not everyone needs to transition.  Though, of course, HRT has some "side effects" (talking about boobs) that may eventually make living as a man difficult.

This would be something to discuss with your therapist.

[Lacy]

MissKatie,

Dysphoria has always came in waves for me, but like the ocean it is always there. Sometimes it is high tide and sometimes low tide!
If possible, talking to a therapist about these feelings can bring you some comfort and surety about your true feelings. I didn't do anything regarding transitioning before talking to a therapist.

The entire existence of gender dysphoria for a person brings more levels of confusion and nervousness and pain than a 7 layer bean dip! There will always be a new obstacle that needs manuvering around/over and changes that occur. By human nature, change can cause fear and uncertainty.

I look nothing like a woman! I will dress feminine when I need to, public eye be damned! I know I am a woman, and once I started talking to a therapist and going down the road to realizing the true me, so many doubts went away. It can be exhausting finding your true self. Exhausting but worth it. Never give up!

Here to offer support,
Lacy

[Alice (nym)]

My dysphoria comes in waves and it takes different forms too.

It is easy to think that it has gone away when it is at low tide and the intensity is not so strong, but ask yourself, do you still go to bed at night wanting to wake up a woman during those low intensity times?  Sometimes we have so many other stresses and anxieties happening that we don't realise that dysphoria is there in the background contributing to it.

My dysphoria in the past was mostly about envy of cis women and an intense desire to be female. I had some episodes when I wanted to cut it off and stood there with a knife for an hour on more than one occasion trying to get the courage to exert a bit more pressure... thankfully I never could cut myself. Another episode of planning my suicide etc. Sometimes it is not always clear until we think back at those times and realise that the dysphoria was there only we didn't have a name for it.

So I would agree... the intensity changes but it is constantly there is some form, even if we are not fully aware of it. The last 2 months, my dysphoria has been really bad and it is getting worse by the day. But I am now picking up on things that I've probably always suffered stress over but never realised to what extent until now.

You might find a way of putting her back in the bottle and living a half-life as male but eventually she will break free and it will be harder each time to put her away until eventually the bottle breaks and there is no longer a choice.

The best thing you can do is talk to your therapist... but also instead of thinking of ways of suppressing your true self, and instead of the negative thinking, try thinking about what has brought you to these forums and why you are seeing your therapist. Surely that is all the evidence you need that you need to deal with it now and if you don't it is going to keep coming back stronger. Trust me it is not pleasant when hearing your own (male) name becomes stressful.

[Sarah77]

Yep i get this, from I MUST TRANSITION NOW...to my god, isn't this all too much hassle?
...and lots in between

[GingerVicki]

Yep i get this, from I MUST TRANSITION NOW...to my god, isn't this all too much hassle?
...and lots in between

I understand this. Why are some things so difficult.

[ChrissyRyan]

I have good days and bad days too.  Sometimes the dysphoria is so intense. 
But it never goes away completely, it clings, it is a "hanger rounder." 

The only long term cure may be to get further along in my mtf transition.


Chrissy

[MissKatie]

thanks all
Just today I am right back into desperate need to be a girl mode. it's so confusing at times how these things come and go.