My Coming Out Letter On Social Media

[Johnni Gyrl]

The following is the announcement I made word-for-word on social media ( FB ) on 07-06-2018. If anyone can benefit from using it as a blueprint for a letter/ announcement of your own, by all means use or re-word the parts that apply to you personally...


True Confession Time - Best Foot Forwards:

Okay, I will try to clear the air about this issue, as there's been a small amount of rumours, heresay & gossip. The fact is, I would be transgender or 'transition' if it wouldn't hurt my children, but they've been through enough already and I won't put them through that particular hell for selfish reasons.

This may be a bolt out of the blue for many of you and some have already guessed. (God knows I've joked enough about guyliner, make-up and dressing up.) For me, it's just something I've lived with for a long time, probably since I was age 5/6 or so, the feeling that I was really a girl on the inside. Strong convictions like this never go away, they just get buried deep due to social stigma, peer pressure and feeling shamed.

Lately, due to being a single parent, many feminine feelings of nurturing and sensitivity have risen again and come to the fore. This time they can't be buried or swept under the carpet, the pull of the divine feminine spirit is too strong. And it is something spiritual, in fact I would describe myself as like the Native American 'Two Spirit' - masculine when I have to be and feminine when I have to be.

I don't feel ashamed, I feel empowered. I don't feel weak, limp-wristed, gay or sissy. The feminine side has enhanced my artistic creativity and given me the chance to see the world through a woman's eyes. Blessed me, actually, to be more accurate.

Lastly, I will say that I feel more like a 'transcender' - someone who has transcended gender stereotyping, than a transgender - but you're free to make up your own mind and call it as you will. I call it FREEDOM. I'm not about to be 'outed' by anyone other than me. I've always known who I am, now you know too.

Feel free to unfriend as you wish, I understand the world is by and large not ready for this kind of thing. I reckon true friends will stay though, as I'm still the same Johnny - though I might change the spelling to an 'i'. No big deal and I hope that's what it is for most open-minded people.

slainte mhor!

[emma-f]

Good letter and not a bad idea - we should maybe have a collection of coming out facebook posts to help others. I'll see if I can find mine out, although I may need to change a few words that I suspect won't be allowed on here

[Johnni Gyrl]

- we should maybe have a collection of coming out facebook posts to help others.

That's a most excellent idea! Glad this has had an immediate positive knock-on effect. Thank you Emma!

[emma-f]

Here was mine:

"So. Big announcement time. I'm trans. There you go, pulled that band aid off nice and quick.

I could go into a long history as to what brings me here but I'll do everyone a favour and give the abridged version, I've been deeply troubled by this all of my life and I simply cannot cope with it anymore.

What does this mean? Well, I've been seeing psychologists for years, and been having treatments for some time now. I have been changing and its become more and more difficult to hide the changes. So I'm going to stop trying so much. I don't know where this is going to ultimately take me, probably ultimately into a full transition, but for now I'm just trying to find my place in the world.

So how do I feel? I'm terrified. Really ******* terrified. I don't know if this is some massive mistake on my part, but it's a mistake I have to make. I don't know if I'm ******* up my life or not, and I have no idea what the future will be, and that scares the hell out of me. And I'm scared for [daughter], who I love more than anything else in the world. And I'm terrified of the affect of whatever happens on her. I've tried to do things right for her, and I wish that I didn't have to put her through this, because believe me this is not a choice!! I'm not sure if [daughter] really gets it, and I have no doubt that anybody reading this and involved with her in any way will do the right thing by her

Thank you so much to my friends and family who already know and have been completely awesome.

I know to many people this will be as no surprise, and to others it might be. Either way, any questions feel free to ask as I know this could be a big deal. xxx"

[barbie]

In my case, I did not announce anything. Just posting photos made people learn, understand and accept me. Of course, far more people than I initially assumed talk about me everyday (any of your Facebook friends can show his/her smartphone screen to his/her nearby friends). It is great that I do not need to repeat gender identity stuffs to everybody. They ask and answer each other, reaching a conclusion heuristically, without even calling me. I like it.

barbie~~

[Devlyn]

In my case, I did not announce anything. Just posting photos made people learn, understand and accept me. Of course, far more people than I initially assumed talk about me everyday (any of your Facebook friends can show his/her smartphone screen to his/her nearby friends). It is great that I do not need to repeat gender identity stuffs to everybody. They ask and answer each other, reaching a conclusion heuristically, without even calling me. I like it.

barbie~~

Same here.

[emma-f]

Same here.

You're both very lucky! For me that wasn't an option. In part because of my huge family, and in part the nature of the job that I do, a very definite, and very open and public coming out was the only option

[Daisy Jane]

I recently joked with a friend that after reading so many coming out letters on here, I think the average trans person could get a Master's in beating around the bush. lol. I'm happy to see others have chosen to hit em right between the eyes.

Anyway, here is my very direct social media coming out post.

For nearly five months I've been taking estrogen and a testosterone blocker to transition. My anxiety and depression have dropped significantly, and my general sense of well being has improved dramatically. I have a long road ahead of me, but I'm excited for the future! The vast majority responses I've received so far have been positive and supportive. There were so many more that I wanted to tell in person, but it gets to be exhausting to repeatedly have the same conversation.

I still plan to go by Charlie. I'm currently indifferent as to which pronouns people use, but I may feel differently in the future. I understand this is going to be a shock to most of you. If you need time to process this, I get it. It took me until the last year or so to come to terms with it myself, so I don't expect others to immediately wrap their heads around this.

If you have any worries, I've probably already had those worries myself and I likely know how to address them. I'm fine answering (respectful) questions because I know people get curious. Having said that, please spare me any questions regarding:

1. Who reacted negatively – I don't need or want anyone to be chastised. My hope is that they will accept me given some time.

2. The reality starlet - I won't even say her name anymore. Honestly, would you want anyone thinking someone from an idiotic reality show represents you? Come to think of it, I suppose I've heard the same thing from a few of my Republican friends and family recently. ;-)

Lastly, thank you to all of the people who have been supportive along the way. Some of you have really gone above and beyond. It has been noticed and is very much appreciated.

Hitting that send button was hard though. I had to walk away for a moment and then counted to three as i walked back and hit the send button and then decided to go on an hour long bike ride to burn off the adrenaline.

This is the follow up post from two months later.

I would like to thank everyone for all of the words of encouragement since I came out a couple of months ago. Not everyone is so fortunate. I've been meaning to make a follow up post for a while now because I've had a few questions and concerns come up more than once, and I'm willing to bet there are more people too afraid or uncomfortable to ask, so I would like to address a few things here. Fair Warning: This post turned into a novel.

1. Several friends have mentioned that others have been asking questions about me and they don't have the answers.
-If you have a question, you're better off asking me rather than one of my friends. It's okay! I'm not ashamed of transitioning and I can accurately describe my perspective. I also understand that a lot of you probably haven't had much experience with trans people and are therefore curious.

2. "Gay or straight?"
-I mostly attracted to women. Never dated or hooked up with a guy. Gender identity isn't an accurate indicator of sexual preference.

3. "I don't understand the desire to transition."
-That's probably because you're going about it wrong way. You're trying to imagine wanting to be the gender opposite of how you actually identify, but that really doesn't work because you DON'T want to be the opposite gender. Instead, think back to puberty. If you're female, imagine that you started developing facial hair and chest hair. If you're a male imagine you grew a pair of C –cups. Does the thought sound worse than carrying your girlfriends purse around the mall for eternity? What lengths would you go to in order in relieve that feeling? I barely grew any chest hair and I still found it absolutely revolting.

The diagnosis is called Gender Dysphoria. Gender Dysphoria is a condition where a person experiences discomfort or distress because there's a mismatch between their biological sex and gender identity.

I found this quote describing what Gender Dysphoria feels like. As I read it, it felt so familiar that it seemed as though someone was reading my mind.

"For me it felt like I had all of these expectations I had to meet, but that I never truly could. It's a lot of stress to constantly turn over in your head all the learned subtleties of being something other than yourself. I would constantly be thinking about how I said things, what I said and when, how I sat, how I walked, what emotions I allowed through and when, what I wore, how I related to people, how people saw my body, and so on. I tried SO hard to just be a normal boy; I just didn't understand why I had to, other than "that's what I'm supposed to be". The stress made me unstable, constantly panicked, depressed, and fearful. Thinking everyone was staring at me, judging me, and knowing it is all just an act."

I would also add that since I didn't really understand what I was feeling, I told myself I was just weird and embraced it the best I could, but there was always a difference between the way I behaved when other people were around and when I was by myself.

4. "What's the end game/final result?"
-The goal is to feel comfortable in my own skin. That's it! It may not be the most satisfying answer, but that's really all there is to it. Being 6'3 and having shoulders that are a little too broad for a girl, I have no illusions of passing undetected. I'm definitely going to laser chest and facial hair when I can afford it. I'm holding off on decisions about anything else until I'm further along. Surgeries are expensive and not always necessary to make a trans person feel comfortable with themselves.

5. "About the kids..."
-When I came out to one of my friends with kids, they warned me that the question every parent will have but probably won't ask is, "How am I going to explain this to my kids?" They had already gone through it because another one of their friends had transitioned a few years earlier. Your kids are your kids and you can tell them whatever you like, but after listening to my friend's experience and doing a little digging around the net I would suggest clicking these links and reading the experiences of people that have already gone through explaining it to their kids.

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php?topic=38955.0

http://time.com/3.../caitlyn-jenner-transgender-explain-child/

That's all for now. This probably isn't going to be something that I discuss on FB very often. It's only part of my life, not my whole life.

[barbie]

You're both very lucky! For me that wasn't an option. In part because of my huge family, and in part the nature of the job that I do, a very definite, and very open and public coming out was the only option

Yes. It will differ by person.

One of the best examples is when I posted my bikini photos in Facebook. No so much explicitly negative comments have been made, but most women here seemed to dislike it, as excessive body exposure is a kind of taboo here and a few young girls do wear bikini in the beach, and most women wear rash guard.

And I guess some local person talked it to the president of my university. The president called the dean of my college, and the dean called the chair of my department, and the chair called one of my close professors. And the dean, the chair and the professor were together to discuss whether it is legal or appropriate that the university officially meddles in the private life of a peculiar and unique faculty member. Yes. In fact, it was unofficial discussion.

Their conclusion, which my close professor talked to me, was that the university can meddle in, because I stated my current job and affiliation in my Facebook profile. Nobody except that professor talked about my bikini photos or even Facebook stuffs directly to me.

I responded by erasing my current job and affiliation in my Facebook profile. You still can not see it in my Facebook profile, but nearly everybody knows my affiliation. I have left no room for any further argument from my university.

And I was surprised that most of the university staffs know my name, even though I do not know and never talked with most of them. There are several hundred faculty members in the campus.



barbie~~

[Devlyn]

I recently joked with a friend that after reading so many coming out letters on here, I think the average trans person could get a Master's in beating around the bush. lol. I'm happy to see others have chosen to hit em right between the eyes.

Totally agree! I don't think a coming out "letter" needs to contain any more than 14 letters:

"I am transgender."

[Ryuichi13]

[emoji23] Totally agree! I don't think a coming out "letter" needs to contain any more than 14 letters:

"I am transgender."

Ah, if only it was that easy. [emoji26]  I suspect, especially after coming out to my oldest friend as transgender, that most of my family and friends over the age of 35 have no idea what exactly "being transgender" is.  When questioned, I sometimes got the "so you crossdress?" response.

So on October 11th, 2018, on National Coming Out Day here in the US, I came out as trans to everyone on Facebook.  Here is the exact letter that I posted:

"Dear Family and Friends,

I have something very, very important to tell you, something I've wanted to tell all of you for a very long time. 

I advise you to sit down to read this, as this letter is pretty surprising.

This is not a joke, nor a prank, what I have to tell you is real and current.  Something that is, and will be my reality for the rest of my life.

First off, I feel I must explain myself to you.

For most of my life, I have been living a lie.  Mostly because I thought I had to, not only because I thought "it was expected by Society."   

Everyone in my family has referred to me as a "tomboy" my entire life.  Well, you all were half right. I am a boy. Or more correctly, a man.

I am no longer pretending to be female.  Not socially, not emotionally, not physically, not in my actions.  Not at all.

I am male.  A guy. A man.  The person you knew as female is no more.  I am now your brother/male cousin/male friend. 

I know this may be surprising to many of you, but it is something I've been wrestling with telling you for a long time.

I'm still the same me, just in masculine form. 

This decision to transition was made without anyone else's influence.  No one convinced, coerced, blackmailed me or forced me in any way to make this decision.

It was my choice and mine alone. 

I thought about, and researched it for well over a year before I decided to transition.  I made sure that it was safe for me to do, even at my age.

I am proud of how I'm changing, and I hope that all of you too can be proud of who I am becoming. 

I hope that no one will reject the person I am now, since for the first time in my life, I don't feel like I have to be ashamed of my physical form.  I hid my gender by wearing baggy sweaters and hoodies. Now when I wear them, it's simply because I'm cold, not ashamed.

I have also legally changed my name. 

It is now "Ryuichi (last name)," as you can tell by the change of my facebook name.  It is pronounced "Rhee-yoo-ee-chee," but because it is a Japanese name, I usually go by "Ryu" (Rhee-yoo). 

Ryuichi is the name on all of my legal documents and identifications.  I legally changed it nearly two years ago. I no longer respond to my old name.

The same goes for my gender.  I have been legally recognized as male for over a year  and a half.

I now have facial hair and speak in a baritone voice, among other physical changes.   

I want all of you to understand me as I now am, and I hope that you will accept the true me.

I know this is a lot to take in, but if you have any questions, feel free to use facebook messaging, and I will reply when I can.

I'm still your relative and your friend, something that still makes me very happy.

This is my official National Coming Out Day facebook post.   

Love you all and miss you lots,

Ryu
(Rhee-yoo)"

I had originally hand-wrote  this for my 81 year old Dad, and even snailmailed it to him.  He did not take the news well.  My Mom I had told via phone months before.  She didn't take it too well either. 

But now, at least my siblings, other family members and friends know.  The responses I've received have all been very positive.

Ryuichi


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[Johnni Gyrl]

Totally agree! I don't think a coming out "letter" needs to contain any more than 14 letters:

"I am transgender."

That may be fine as an 'About Me' statement for complete strangers to ponder, though I would think anyone who has known and interacted with us on social media for a while and especially our family + friends who know us in real life deserve something better about our 'past, present & future' - than 14 letters.

[Devlyn]

That may be fine as an 'About Me' statement for complete strangers to ponder, though I would think anyone who has known and interacted with us on social media for a while and especially our family + friends who know us in real life deserve something better about our 'past, present & future' - than 14 letters.

First, I was replying to the light-hearted quip about a master's degree in beating around the bush.

The statement "I'm transgender" is  going to trigger the same flood of questions a five page letter will. And I respect my friends and family enough to give them more than a one sided conversation.