Well the snow came and mellowed the mood. The planned adventure was canceled. Though running on two hours sleep, I could t go back to bed. I went out to a new group meeting. Though my sampling is small. You lovely girls here and girls IRL, (40ish so far). I can confirm we all have similar experiences and hangups. What I'm trying to say is despite our various truths at the core we can all relate.
What's new? Went out sans makeup first time. Eeeeeek hey laser a few days prior, and face all tore up.
I quickly went to sephora for a makeover. Umm yeah before and after phenomenally different and mood changed drastically from rushed and apprehensive to OMG. I can rock this. Looked in mirror prior and couldn't switch to me during. Voice stayed on lower end of norm. No I didn't buy everything. Ok I ommitted 3 products similar to what I have, and changed sizes to allow tsa carryon. I did find a new perfume I feel works for both, Elizabeth & James nirvana bourbon. I used to love spice bomb. My fem side loves ysl black opium, but it's a bit to fem to switch in same day.
So yeah fem side. I'm 3 ish months into hrt. Simply put I've come to the conclusion I am me. EV is like rocket fuel, & I will continue for now. I'm presenting male at work and female afterwards. Does that make me gender fluid.... maybe. I defy labels at this point and still reserve the right to change as my journey progresses. Before HRT I wanted it all. Now eh, Maybe I value family relationship to much, the desire to be full time is less. Though I'm told HRT reduces anxiety and allows for mental cycles for other things. The stress meter goes down in other words. I am endeavoring to integrate lives intentionally or unintentionally. Nevertheless change is a foot. We must realize we are ever changing and never define ourselves to a label. Simply put it's a big giant rainbow. Never question am I trans enough, Am I this enough. You're enough, & family no matter where you fall in the spectrum. (Yeah I'll likely get haters for that part. )
I left therapy today saying I had fun, and am perfectly content simply being me. I mean really, it's been rather up beat over the past 3 weeks. Yeah there's a bit of anxiety over the road ahead. I mean come on. Who's not concerned about coming out to family. All is well in the world. There are intersections ahead that may cause anxiety/trepidation, but these to shall pass in due time. Meanwhile be you.
I recognized a few other changes today. Switching to me is easier. If I concentrate I can change in a conversation. If I don't focus, I find it harder to come back. Yeah I'm working to integrate the two. Mind soul,& voice. I screwed up at work today. Left one conference call to handle Jaime business, and came back to call as Me. Oh !!!!!&&$&. So.... I'm me more everyday, but there are a few differences still. Voice, pitch/resonance, and slight hand/gesture variations. Umm some folks have an odd look. Oh well. Their perception.
Intimacy in my personal relationship has improved. As to why I can't say. maybe less stress on both sides. Maybe I'm a nicer person after acceptance, god I can only hope.
