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[LucyEgo]

Im finally back.

Im happy to admit to not knowing what is going on.

I don't think Im really getting anywhere with my therapist, or at least Im just going round and round in circles, and I think I need to get out of thinking and start doing. I think one of the things I need to do, which I don't feel I can do, is to explore my gender identity. I don't know what options are out there for someone who doesn't feel comfortable dressing as a woman in public and is too shy for their own good.

I flip-flop between wanting to explore and not wanting to explore.

On one hand, I know something is there. But on the other hand, there's a big part of me that thinks I shouldn't even entertain the thought.

There's a big part in me that says that I should man up and accept myself as my birth gender. I can't change my biology anymore than I can change the colour of my skin. I should accept myself as who I am. Part of that means accepting my inner femininity, my delicateness, my desire for nice clothing - even if it's just gender neutral. Im not uncomfortable with my male body.

But the other part of me says Im not wholly comfortable with my body, I don't see the point to having my male genitalia.

It gets me thinking that maybe I am bigender, or maybe even agender. I really really really don't see the point to gender. I am ambivalent towards it. Meh. Whoever. Whatever. Doesn't really matter does it? What does it matter what I wear or what's between my legs?

So Im going to try and forget gender, forget asking "how do I know I am transgender" and let me ask, how do I explore my gender identity?

Lucy

[KathyLauren]

Of course it is up to you to decide where you are on the gender spectrum.  But I don't hear you saying anything about wanting to be masculine.  What I hear is you saying that you are afraid to express the femininity that you feel.  Which is a different thing altogether.

Fear is normal.  We have all experienced it.  The only way through it is forward.

How do you explore you gender identity?  Well, your therapist should be helping you with that.  If they aren't helping, maybe you need a different therapist.

Something you can do on your own is to dress at home.  Do you do this?  If so, how does it feel?  Do you feel more yourself, or do you feel like an imposter?  This isn't about how others might see you, or even what you see in the mirror.  It is about your feeling of identity.  For me, it was one of the clearer indications, years ago, that I was a trans woman.  I ignored it out of fear.

[LucyEgo]

I do dress from home - though home life is less private than I wish it to be.

I don't know if I feel like an imposter. I certainly feel uncomfortable in a dress. Possibly that means I feel like an imposter. I do quite like my pink hoodie though. Lovely and soft.

I don't feel like an imposter in man's clothing. I don't particularly feel anything though. I probably would feel uncomfortable in a kilt I guess.

My face looks like an imposter.

But Im still not sure how I feel. Apart from. Well. Me.

[KathyLauren]

But Im still not sure how I feel. Apart from. Well. Me.

Yeah, I get that!!  It is the way were were trained to be boys/men: don't show feelings, and the best way to do that is to not have them.    They are there; we just have trouble accessing them, because of that conditioning.

I remember the first time I went to a therapist, back before I identified as trans, he asked me "How do you feel about that?" in reference to many situations.  And I was forced to say, "Huh??  I don't understand the question!"

Since then, thanks to various therapists, I have learned to access my feelings.  But it doesn't come easily.  This is why I suggested that your therapist should be helping you with this.