The last holiday season with my mom (probably...)

[sarahc]

I always enjoy the holiday season, but I just realized that this may be the last holiday season I get to spend with my mother. She knows about me being trans, but I'm not full-time yet, and so in the meantime, we've been kinda living as if nothing has changed - she definitely does not want to talk about it. Deep down, I know she is going to have a hard time emotionally accepting me as a woman, and she certainly is not going to want me to be around her when any of her friends are around.

So I kinda realized...this could be the last season with my mother. Who knows if she'll want me to be in her company ever again? And she gets especially depressed during the holidays, so I don't think that's the time she's is going to want to see me, as it will make her especially upset.

All of this is not going to affect my decision to transition, but it still makes me sad.

[ChrissyRyan]

I think we all wish to be accepted and it hurts us deeply when we cannot be with loved ones.

But...  there is hope!  Things may become better with you two.  Moms love their kids, they may not like what we do, but moms do love us. 

Chrissy

[Northern Star Girl]

I always enjoy the holiday season, but I just realized that this may be the last holiday season I get to spend with my mother. She knows about me being trans, but I'm not full-time yet, and so in the meantime, we've been kinda living as if nothing has changed - she definitely does not want to talk about it. Deep down, I know she is going to have a hard time emotionally accepting me as a woman, and she certainly is not going to want me to be around her when any of her friends are around.

So I kinda realized...this could be the last season with my mother. Who knows if she'll want me to be in her company ever again? And she gets especially depressed during the holidays, so I don't think that's the time she's is going to want to see me, as it will make her especially upset.

All of this is not going to affect my decision to transition, but it still makes me sad.

@sarahc2
Dear Sarah:
I hear you and I definitely feel your pain. 

I am in a similar situation that has been going on with my parents, other extended family... and my old long term friends back home.
After 4 years of my transition announcement and beginning HRT and then 2 years ago going full time and relocating to where I am now, I am still not accepted by any of them and can not get my phone calls or emails answered...   and if I do talk to my parents, it is always a very brief and guarded conversation coming from them.  My dad will usually not take the phone from my mom so I can say hello...

I am making tentative plans to fly back home for Christmas or in the month or two after depending on some of my business commitments....   I do not expect an open-arms welcome and hug-fest but they are my parents and always will be so I will keep trying... and trying.

Wishing you well, I hope that things work out for you and your mom...  perhaps better than you may expect.

As the old saying goes: "Hope for everything, and expect nothing"

Hugs and well wishes,
Danielle

[Angela H]

Sarahc, I'm really sorry about your Mom. That's a really hard situation to be in and I hope she eventually comes around.

Reading stories like yours and Danielle's really makes me appreciate how lucky I am that my parents support me. I wish our society was less transphobic and people could transition without being shunned by family members, but sadly we're still far from it.

Culturally, we're moving in the right direction and I'm really happy for the kids today who are being allowed to socially transition very young. They are a good sign that things are getting better [emoji16]

I wish you a happy holidays. Try not to think about the future too much if it makes you unhappy, maybe it'll be brighter than you think!


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[Linde]

SarahC, It could be that your mon wants to be with you as much as she can!
I had the same feelings you have concerning my son 33) and my ex who I have a good relation with.

And it turns out that those two belong to my best supporters and help on my new path!
It might be that your mother will become your main support, just give her a little time to digest!

[Kirsteneklund7]

I always enjoy the holiday season, but I just realized that this may be the last holiday season I get to spend with my mother. She knows about me being trans, but I'm not full-time yet, and so in the meantime, we've been kinda living as if nothing has changed - she definitely does not want to talk about it. Deep down, I know she is going to have a hard time emotionally accepting me as a woman, and she certainly is not going to want me to be around her when any of her friends are around.

So I kinda realized...this could be the last season with my mother. Who knows if she'll want me to be in her company ever again? And she gets especially depressed during the holidays, so I don't think that's the time she's is going to want to see me, as it will make her especially upset.

All of this is not going to affect my decision to transition, but it still makes me sad.

It may mean you will have to take the initiative in the end. You may have to actively show her you care and despite herself she will be happy to see you anyway. You may have to show some leadership in the way forward. She will probably be happier in the end if you do. A bit of education from you to her may break the ice may lead to regular interaction. I know its not the easiest situation at the moment.

  Kind regards,  Kirsten.

[sarahc]

It may mean you will have to take the initiative in the end. You may have to actively show her you care and despite herself she will be happy to see you anyway. You may have to show some leadership in the way forward. She will probably be happier in the end if you do. A bit of education from you to her may break the ice may lead to regular interaction. I know its not the easiest situation at the moment.

  Kind regards,  Kirsten.

It's a really tricky thing trying to figure out how to talk to her. We're having a good relationship now, kinda like nothing has changed...but that's because we're not talking about the elephant in the room, which is my transition. I kinda want to gauge how she's feeling, because she hasn't talked about my transition with me (or anyone else besides her therapist) since I told I was transgender. I just get the sense that she's preparing to say good-bye to me once I go full-time, because it will be too upsetting for her to see me as a woman. It's just a bad situation.

[Kirsteneklund7]

Your gut feeling is on the money no doubt
Yes that is tough. In the end showing you care is all you can do. If you did that en femme how do you think it would go?

Yours, Kirsten.

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[CarlyMcx]

I am in the same boat as you, unfortunately.  My parents are in their eighties, and in very poor health.

One big reason why I transitioned is they never treated me well even though I spent my whole life, until I was 46, trying as hard as I could, to be the boy and then the man they wanted me to be.  I suffered a lifetime of psychological (and some physical when I was little) abuse.

They lionized an older cousin they took in.  They doted on my younger brother and sister.  I was a throwaway kid.

So I strip the nail polish, ponytail my hair, and wear baggy T shirts and sweatshirts when I see them.

Dad had a stroke in 2009 and has been in a sub acute facility ever since.  He always was a whiny, passive aggressive creepy stalker kind of guy.  If the stroke had not robbed him of speech and mobility, he probably would have harassed me out of transitioning.  And he tries to stare at my crotch if I wear skinny jeans under my T shirt or sweatshirt.

Given that my whole life he was pressuring me hard to date, marry and have children, I think he knew about me even though I spent my whole life trying to hide it.

Every time my wife even mentions my long hair, he gives me the bad eye.

So no, I can't come out to my parents.  They never loved me when I tried to be what they wanted, and they will never love me for who I am.

Hugs, Carly

[MaryT]

It is easier to say than do but try not to feel as though the worst case scenario has already happened.  From your posts, I gather that your mother knows that you are trans and although she may not talk about it, she has not given you an ultimatum.  Also, the fact that she gets depressed during the holidays may mean that she desperately and unconditionally needs your company during these periods.

If she does not realise that yet and tells you to leave after you have transitioned, you still do not have to give up hope.  She would obviously be even more depressed if she spends holidays wihout you so, like Danielle, you could keep trying.

[HappyMoni]

Sarah,
  Have you considered a slow visual transition with your mother? I did it with my loved ones. I thought it gave them adjustment time. Later my sons told me how much they appreciated it. Introduce the new normal you a little at a time, keep talking to her, showing the positive mental/emotional aspects of the new you and help her along. Let her know that you understand it is hard for her. If in the end she can't handle it, at least you can say is that you handled yourself with class and gave her every chance to work through it. You can be at peace with what you did.
Moni

[Rachel]

My parents had died when I transitioned. When My mother died I started to transition, long story.

When I went full time my wife divorced me and my daughter said I was dead to her and she would never be with me again.

Tomorrow I am stopping by my ex's and having lunch. Then my daughter and I are going for a walk in the park. I see them on their terms and for brief periods.

I know this may sound bad but it is a great improvement from where it was. I assume it may get a little better in time.

Perhaps a parent may feel like they are partly responsible for their child being XYZ. They do not know what we learn about gender and sexuality. It is not fair of us to assume they try to understand the subject when it takes us so much to learn about ourselves.

Be kind to yourself,
Rachel

[sarahc]

Sarah,
  Have you considered a slow visual transition with your mother? I did it with my loved ones. I thought it gave them adjustment time. Later my sons told me how much they appreciated it. Introduce the new normal you a little at a time, keep talking to her, showing the positive mental/emotional aspects of the new you and help her along. Let her know that you understand it is hard for her. If in the end she can't handle it, at least you can say is that you handled yourself with class and gave her every chance to work through it. You can be at peace with what you did.
Moni

I'm still hopeful that over time, my mom will come to accept me and would be willing to see me. I'm less confident that she would be willing to be seen with me in the company of others. I'm also not confident she'll defend me when her friends disparage me. So at best, it's going to be conditional love.

She's got a very hard choice to make because most of her friends are not going to be accepting, and so she'll feel a lot of pressure to conform to her friends' opinion. So even if we get to a point where she privately supports me, I really don't think she'll ever publicly support me. And honestly, it's probably better for her mental health to maintain her social network than to maintain a strong relationship with me.

Sarah

[sarahc]

My parents had died when I transitioned. When My mother died I started to transition, long story.

When I went full time my wife divorced me and my daughter said I was dead to her and she would never be with me again.

Tomorrow I am stopping by my ex's and having lunch. Then my daughter and I are going for a walk in the park. I see them on their terms and for brief periods.

I know this may sound bad but it is a great improvement from where it was. I assume it may get a little better in time.

Perhaps a parent may feel like they are partly responsible for their child being XYZ. They do not know what we learn about gender and sexuality. It is not fair of us to assume they try to understand the subject when it takes us so much to learn about ourselves.

Be kind to yourself,
Rachel

Yes - it's going to be seeing mom on her terms as well. The main issue with my mother is that her network of friends are very conservative, and she is going to have a very hard time maintaining her friendships if she defends me. I know I'm putting her in a difficult position by asking her to choose between her social network and me. And if she chooses her friends, I can actually understand it. I'm not happy about it, but I can understand it.