How do you deal with your extended family and family friends?

[galayogeda]

Hello Everyone, I am a transwomon, currently non-op. Now that I have finally found myself a family doctor who is comfortable prescribing hormones replacement therapy, I would like to start my journey of transition. But one thing that is holding me back is that I have yet come out to most of my extended family yet and my family friends.

Coming from a traditional Chinese family, the chances are they are not going to react positively, which might complicate my journey of transition. It is because parents are just starting to accept me being transgender. If my extended family and family friends question and judge my parents after I come out to them, I worried that it will really stressed my parents out and even turn them back to being " not accepting at all".
 
However, I feel like I must come out to them at some point. I mean I can't hide from them forever and I don't want to too, esp when there is nothing wrong with being trans. Why should I feel like I have the need to avoid them. Besides, even if I don't tell my extended family, they are going to notice differences in my physical appearance after I start my transition journey. 

So I feel really confused & I don't really know how I should deal with this situation.  So I would really appreciate it if anyone can share their insight upon this situation, or how you deal with your extended family and family friends in the past. Thanks so much!!

[gracefulhat]

Hello Everyone, I am a transwomon, currently non-op. Now that I have finally found myself a family doctor who is comfortable prescribing hormones replacement therapy, I would like to start my journey of transition. But one thing that is holding me back is that I have yet come out to most of my extended family yet and my family friends.

Coming from a traditional Chinese family, the chances are they are not going to react positively, which might complicate my journey of transition. It is because parents are just starting to accept me being transgender. If my extended family and family friends question and judge my parents after I come out to them, I worried that it will really stressed my parents out and even turn them back to being " not accepting at all".
 
However, I feel like I must come out to them at some point. I mean I can't hide from them forever and I don't want to too, esp when there is nothing wrong with being trans. Why should I feel like I have the need to avoid them. Besides, even if I don't tell my extended family, they are going to notice differences in my physical appearance after I start my transition journey. 

So I feel really confused & I don't really know how I should deal with this situation.  So I would really appreciate it if anyone can share their insight upon this situation, or how you deal with your extended family and family friends in the past. Thanks so much!!

Hello galayogeda! I am so happy for you that you are about to begin your medical transitioning. As far as your family are concerned, have you spoken with your parents about this yet? If not, then maybe you should sit down with them and express exactly what you wrote. There is a good chance that your extended family will not accept who you really are unless they are very open minded and know/love you, so you may want to be prepared for that. If you let your parents decide about when and who to tell first in the family, then they will certainly be pleased with you for that instead of taking it into your own hands. I am obviously not Chinese, but I have been married to a wonderful South Korean for 14 years and have thus learned alot about east asian culture/expectations. You definately have some hurdles ahead of you. I hope you will keep us updated and if no one has told you yet, welcome! You are always welcome here. XO

[KathyLauren]

However, I feel like I must come out to them at some point. I mean I can't hide from them forever and I don't want to too, esp when there is nothing wrong with being trans.

This is very true!

I understand that, in your culture, responsibilities towards one's extendad family are felt differently than in my culture.  Still, you have to do what you have to do.

Much of the stress in coming out comes from trying to control everyone's reactions.  You can't, of course.  The people around you, friends and family, are all their own people and will react however they react.  You can't control them.  All you can do is be ready for whatever reaction they might have.

You say that your parents are starting to accept you, so that is good news.  It means there is a chance that extended family, who probably have the same upbringing, might accept you too.

Do what you have to do.  Be kind about it.  And then whatever your extended family members do is their responsibility.

[sarahc]

I come from a family where there are definitely a range of viewpoints from totally supportive to sad/upset to angry.

My strategy has been to first come out to the people (a) whom I knew would be supportive AND (b) can keep things a secret. Get them as allies and a support network. Then, at the right time in your transition, progressively move down the list to less supportive people. For the least supportive people, I'm probably not going to give them much of a heads-up ahead of me going full-time. It's just going to happen and they can whine but there is not going to be much they can do about it. And the least supportive people can gripe to the more supportive family members, but the gripers are not going to get much sympathy from the supporters because the supporters have been with you for months.

My advice is to be concise, confident yet modest in communicating the path you are taking and let them do most of the talking. Answer questions, but keep it short. Then give people space to digest and let them come back to you.

[barbie]

It will not be easy, but time will eventually solve it.
For extended family, your social performance may be more important than your gender identity and appearance.

barbie~~