I need some love, I'm spinning out

[blackcat]

I'm currently off T after my dose was botched. My levels were higher than what the lab was able to record, and I still had enough estrogen to ovulate.

I endured a month of nocturnal panic attacks and so little sleep I was afraid I'd end up in the psych ward (it's okay, my ex works there, and he left me because I'm trans lolololol /bitterness). I would have hours-long episodes of uncontrollable full body tremors where I had to get under four blankets and freeze. I had horrendous muscle flutters and contractions all over my body that were painful. My GI tract was constantly disturbed by the overstimulation, I could barely eat or keep food inside me and all the cramping made my stomach ache.

Every. Single. Night.

This would happen predictably after dosing, and now whenever I feel tired I am terrified, because I don't know if I will wake up 1, 2, 3 times during the night and have to ride the crazy train until my body calms down.

I tapered my dose, but by the time I started tapering, I think it was too late and my body was flipped out and shocked so I had to stop T completely a few days ago.

I think the last of it just left my system because my smell is gone and I've melted into crying fits three times tonight.

I'm all alone and I just wish I had someone to hold me. I seriously considered calling one of those phone numbers because I was melting down so hard.

I'm switching doctors, but I have to wait a month to get in somewhere else. I need to be monitored a lot more closely than my current clinic is willing. I had to fight them to get my E tested. I asked about switching administration methods and they gave no answer. Two different people tried to tell me I just had a stomach bug.

Being on T was the best thing of my life, until my levels went through the roof. I need to be on it, mentally.

I've never felt so at home in my body. I never realized how tightly wound I was until I had the right chemicals in my head. It's worked magic socially. So many things that brought me anguish have simply disappeared because I was free to be myself. I was catching glimpses of myself in the mirror. I don't want to die without anyone ever being able to see the person I really am.

And now I have to stop because everything got screwed up. My baseline on estrogen is being covered with crushing rocks of sadness, and now it's even worse because my changes were like a high water mark that's going to recede. A few subtle things are disappearing already.

I know I can get it back, but I'm frustrated with lost time. I'm probably going to have to postpone surgery.

I don't even know if this new doctor will put me on T right away, I hope to god he does.

I'm terrified for some obscure reason I won't be able to take it. I don't think that's likely, I think my levels were so extreme I'm just literally coming off a prolonged massive steroid overdose.

I just want to feel normal

Thanks to anyone who took the time to read this.

[Chloe]

I just want to feel normal

          BC hang in there! Is that you over at CDL? I sympathize with your plight FtM's have it rougher than most I've never depended on "gov" or medical for anything but know some have NO CHOICE. I'd be totally upset if my hair started falling out . . . and if The World as we know it were to come to an end as well? Am unsure which would be worst!
          As a "prepper" I know there are some things an independent, successful man cannot set-up, plan for but don't think the sky is falling just yet. Get Well!

Let Us Know if anything we can do!

[Maid Marion]

Sorry to hear about the setback.  But, you made a step forward before making two steps back, so you now where you need to go.  Best of luck.

[sally0196]

Hopefully, you'll be able to look back on this episode as just another step on the stairway to your transition.  Hang in there and be patient.  Setbacks are an inevitable part of any endeavor, and it's our job to press on, in spite of the challenges they present us with.  Once the correct dosing gets sorted out, you'll be back on track.  I wish you all the best.

Hugs,

Sally

[Sephirah]

Sweetie, in the grand scheme of your life, a postponement is nothing, okay? It isn't.

*gives you a big, snuggly hug*

You're not alone. You're really not. As much as you may feel like it, you have hundreds of people here who know what you're going through. People who want the best for you... even if they've never met you.

You can get through this. This is just a small setback. But to quote the great sage Rocky Balboa: "Life isn't about how hard you can hit, it's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward. How much you can take, and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done!"

You will get there, sweetie. You'll get to where you want to be. I believe in you. Hang in there. You ARE normal. You just need a few things in your life to realise that fact and let you live that way. *extra hug*

[blackcat]

Thanks, everyone. Hugs and Rocky quotes are a winning combination 

It's really strange what having the right chemicals vs. the wrong chemicals in your brain can feel like. It's only been a couple of days, but I feel this empty static when I look in the mirror, like I can't connect with what's in front of me. My attention span dropped off to nothing. It makes me feel dead inside.

It IS kind of an interesting thought experiment - like I know even more now that I could never go off HRT, and I'm already missing things I had never previously contemplated.

The new doctor I'm going to doesn't have a waiting list, but my therapist said she'd call and see what she could do. I thought it was sweet my therapist said that and wasn't expecting anything. Lo and behold my appointment got bumped forward, so I'm going in ten days now. Miraculous.

My dose was probably just way off, but the whole experience has me frightened my body can't handle HRT. I know there are a million options to exhaust between now and then, however.

I'm also learning that no matter how much you plan your transition, you'll have to keep replanning it and NOTHING is linear. Whew.