Jennifer's Journey

[Sabrina Rei]

YOU DESERVE HAPPINESS!!!!

[Jennifer M]

There might, MIGHT, be a glimmer of hope.

Mom called me today and we talked for nearly an hour. She said she has read a lot more, and as of today, "don't know where I am on acceptance." She wants to find her own therapist for this.

The one thing she wants me to do right now is hold off on hormones two months until after niece's birthday. Done.

She is understanding, perhaps even welcoming, of the months it would take before I began to change, and I assured her that if I did not like what was happening I would stop.

"This is a big extreme to take. I hope it's not a case of 'if you can't beat 'em, join 'em'," in regards to my complete failure as a man with women. Truth be told, I've pondered that too.

If I have my parents' support, or at least non-hostility, I can see a way forward. But otherwise, given how absolutely in the pits I was yesterday, I love them too much to lose them, even at the cost of my own potential happiness.

[Sabrina Rei]

I'm relieved to hear it! Two months is a drop in the bucket.

[Kendra]

Jennifer I am very glad to see this, although I wouldn't stall much past that point unless you want to for other reasons.

I delayed my transition when I was convinced my parents would never accept me, before I talked to them.  I wasn't concerned about my career - if my current employer had issues I'd go work for a competitor.  My parents were my only barrier and a large one in my mind.  Having gone through this now, I believe talking to them earlier would have been a better option. 

You are doing the right thing by communicating well and accurately, and knowing some things require time for people to understand and process.  I have little patience with random peoples' opinions because it is my personal life and decision, not theirs to run.  But I make exceptions for helping family and partners understand - they may need more time.  Some people can change over time and some do not.

[Jennifer M]

I went to my first support group meeting yesterday. I was complimented on having good fashion sense. (I have now had multiple women say this about me in different outfits. One day I might believe it.)

I spilled everything about me and what happened the last two weeks. There were tears in the room and a few gasps.

I don't know how much else I can share, though, since one of the ground rules is not talking about it on social media.

[sarahc]

I came late to this thread but I am so sorry about your experience coming out to your mother and hope that over time she comes to accepting your wishes. I am in the same boat...my mother is NOT accepting, and I feel awful transitioning without her support, because (a) i love her and (b) she will need my support as she grows older (she's widowed and in her 70s and I am her only child). I too hope that over time she will come to accept things, but we're not there yet...

Hang in there...

Sarah

[Susan Baum]

Jennifer,
I just found this thread and wanted - no make that needed - to crawl through cyberspace after I read the details of your mother's rant just to encircle you with loving arms and hold you in the biggest hug I can muster. And now there may be some signs of softening? Well perhaps.

I know that waiting two extra months could be excruciating. and I know not if your niece's birthday is a big family event but it strikes me as though she's afraid that she wants you to hold back just in case you would magically appear as a woman and embarrass her in some way. (Oh, would that hormones did their magic ever so quickly!)
Your mother may be exhibiting some signs of grief over the loss of her son; anger at a loss is often an initial response. If the time gives her a better chance to wrap her mind around what will be happening, it's only a few weeks out of the rest of your life.

I will repeat what Elle said because this is truly your life:
YOU DESERVE HAPPINESS!!!!

Susan

[Jennifer M]

Thank you, all, for the hugs, at least in spirit.

THREE HUNDRED AND TWENTY-SIX DOLLARS FOR BLOOD TESTS. I was not expecting that. Ow.

I met a family counselor for the first time today. This is not for me so much as it is for Mom to find someone to talk to. The counselor was very understanding, and though I was presenting as male she was fine with using my female name and pronouns. (I don't know how that will go over with Mom at this point, though, so I said male pronouns in reference to me when talking with her was fine.)

I gave the very condensed version of the past 20 years (or, really, 18 to 21 years ago plus the last two). I also gave her a copy of the letter I had written for Mom and Dad ("This is a beautiful letter"). The counselor said that I show very common signs of late onset gender dysphoria. It made me feel better.

Thinking back, now I realize she asked me if I "spent a lot of time comparing myself to other women" and I responded "Constantly" without even really thinking about it. I completely glossed over her saying other women.

I had a normal enough conversation with Mom regarding the rest of the year. I have a feeling that Christmas will very much be a "don't ask don't tell" event. But in less than two months, all bets are off.

[Jennifer M]

Christmas with the family was completely normal, perhaps even disturbingly so. The hitch was on my end, because I have been feeling like garbage since Saturday night and the doctor wouldn't give me anything for it but cough medicine.

That meant I couldn't play with the kids at my sister's. That hurt a bit. But otherwise, everything was as if I hadn't announced my plan to blow up the world. I honestly do not know what to make of it. It could have been making sure everyone had one last good Christmas. It could have been a group exercise in denial. But it could also be (consciously or not) a form of psychological intimidation: "You like this? You want these six hours of family next year, and the year after that, and those other days? Then deny yourself and that thing you want to do for happiness."

There is no way Mom is going through the stages of grief that quickly, so to speak. It's more likely that mentally she's just put it aside for now. She has not made an appointment to see a therapist (recommended by the other therapist) yet, probably because of the time of year, and I feel that things are stuck until that happens.

The only thing out of the ordinary was when Dad caught me before I walked out the door to hand me a present I'd forgotten. He hugged me and told me merry Christmas, and I said, "I hope it's not the last." I think he said "We'll see" but it was soft enough I'm not sure.

[Jennifer M]

It's official: Transitioning will split my family.

Sunday was my older niece's birthday. While it was the second time in a month I would go to my sister's house, it had the potential to be the last ever. I arrived early. She was watching a movie with the kids.

I asked my sister's husband if what I had heard was true, that if I transition she would never let me see the kids again.
"She is dead-set against what you plan to do, and I have to respect her wishes."
So should I treat this like the last time I'll ever see them?
"If you do what you plan to do, I think so."

She would rather unperson me than deal with explaining to the children about their new aunt. There will not be a chance to change her mind.

But I don't know how that's going to work. At some point the kids will ask questions. I don't know if I'll be allowed to even mail presents to them, under any name. There will inevitably be community things I want to go to that they will attend. And Christmas. And funerals, because there WILL BE funerals. Unless I'm disinvited/banned from everything, which I suppose is possible, or plain just not informed. It could depend on if Mom is going to hold to her initial demand for me never to show my face again at home or in town after beginning transition.

The only words my sister said directly to me (besides asking if I wanted to take some cupcakes) were at the end when she said "Take care of yourself" (as I gave an extra-long hug) and "Bye".

To describe my current state as anguished would be underselling it.

If I don't transition, I will be able to be part of their lives - and be miserable for the rest of mine. But there is a cloud over every interaction with her that no amount of _inaction_ on my part can repair. (I honestly do not know if she would let me be alone with her children, now that she knows this about me.) If I do transition, worst-case scenarios abound, but depending on how or if my parents come around, disavowing my existence is going to be easier said than done.

I did my best to hold the kids and let them know I loved them no matter what. But they're 6 1/2, 4, and 2. They won't remember.

[sarahc]

Ugh - I'm so sorry for what you're going through. Hopefully your mom eventually comes to terms with things and she forces the issue in your favor with your sister. I know what you're going through in terms of potentially losing contact with many members of the family and struggling to overcome the conflict between maintaining important friendships vs. embracing your identity. It's an ongoing challenge / emotional conflict for me as well.

[Kendra]

Jennifer I am sorry to hear about your sister's mindset.  Absolutely none of this is your fault.  You're made a very personal decision based on your past and future, and you are taking the initiative to aim for better. 

Some people drift through life and look back at an increasing pile of regrets and what-ifs as years go by.  Some people aim to experience a fulfilling life, setting goals for the long run and then going for it.  The sad part is those who attempt to destroy others for taking the initiative to truly live life.

This just my opinion.  I wasn't there so I don't know every nuance involved, but I think this is too significant to go unsaid with a third person conversation relayed through her husband.  I would ask her for a one-on-one talk, in person. 

Your sister needs to tell you her viewpoint directly and not hide behind someone else. 

[Jennifer M]

As of Friday, I am back on hormones. Here goes everything. Again.

[Northern Star Girl]

As of Friday, I am back on hormones. Here goes everything. Again.

@Jennifer M
Dear Jennifer:
This is wonderful news to read. 
I trust that this time around that things will go very well for you.

I will be checking in on you on your postings on your thread and other threads that you may post on, to offer any intelligent comments and thoughts that I may have.

Regarding family relationships and how they deal with your transition, if it offers any comfort to you, please know that you are not alone with having difficulties in that regard.  I have much turmoil and non-acceptance issues with my parents and my immediate family and with some of my old long term friend that knew me before... it is something that I am still focused on coming to amicable solutions with all of them.

One thing about parents and immediate family members they will always be your family and our love and respect for them should not be in question.  It is important that we take the high road and not say things or do things in anger   (even if they start the argument)  that we could later regret as life goes on or in the case of our older family members when sickness and death happen.  Words can never be taken back and once spoken will always be remembered.    Again, no regrets!!!!

Thanks again for sharing with us...
Hugs and best wishes,
Danielle

[Jennifer M]

I told my (regular) doctor today at my physical.

She said she was "excited" and "proud" for me, but was sad by what I told her about my sister. She also agreed to keep my HRT out of the general file.

She also said I had "great" skin and had lost 12 pounds in a year. I guess being sick to the point you don't WANT to eat twice in two months is a good diet plan.

She said she looked forward to seeing what I look like at our next meeting. We'll see.

As for the HRT itself, the spiro is having an effect for sure (or, at least, that's my perception). The E, on the other hand, I wouldn't know what I should feel differently about.

[Northern Star Girl]

I told my (regular) doctor today at my physical.

She said she was "excited" and "proud" for me, but was sad by what I told her about my sister. She also agreed to keep my HRT out of the general file.

She also said I had "great" skin and had lost 12 pounds in a year. I guess being sick to the point you don't WANT to eat twice in two months is a good diet plan.

She said she looked forward to seeing what I look like at our next meeting. We'll see.

As for the HRT itself, the spiro is having an effect for sure (or, at least, that's my perception). The E, on the other hand, I wouldn't know what I should feel differently about.

@Jennifer M
Dear Jennifer:
Wow, you have found yourself a great Doctor.  I am very excited to read about your Doctors' reaction to your coming-out announcement and your HRT medications.
... and WOW, she is "excited" and "proud" of you ....  and she had empathy for you regarding your sister...  and if that is not affirming enough for you, she said that she is looking forward to seeing what you look like at your next visit....  fantastic for sure.

If I were you I would definitely keep your Doctor.

Thank you so very much for sharing with all of us....
I will be eagerly looking for more of your updates.

Hugs and more hugs,
Danielle

[Jennifer M]

I made it to the support group again, where my issues dominated, again. Mainly it was my debate about how to contact my sister. My therapist flat out would not give an answer as to whether I should e-mail her asking what i can and cannot do for her kids or if I should e-mail to ask for a face to face talk to ask those questions.

In the larger scope of dealing with my family, I had to firmly explain that "F them" was not an acceptable option.

And now my schedule seems to be settling into a "worst-case scenario" where I will be unable to attend either band (where I am accepted) or the support group.

For the last two months, I have had trouble loading the forums on Firefox. It only loads occasionally. Did something change?

[Northern Star Girl]

I made it to the support group again, where my issues dominated, again. Mainly it was my debate about how to contact my sister. My therapist flat out would not give an answer as to whether I should e-mail her asking what i can and cannot do for her kids or if I should e-mail to ask for a face to face talk to ask those questions.

In the larger scope of dealing with my family, I had to firmly explain that "F them" was not an acceptable option.

And now my schedule seems to be settling into a "worst-case scenario" where I will be unable to attend either band (where I am accepted) or the support group.

For the last two months, I have had trouble loading the forums on Firefox. It only loads occasionally. Did something change?

@Jennifer M
Dear Jennifer:
Regarding your therapist and the fact that you were not "flat out" given an answer regarding just how your should contact your sister....  either by email or asking for a face to face meeting... 
... my own experiences with therapists is that they can lay out your options that you have discussed with them and the advantages and disadvantages of your possible next steps that you can take to solve an issue but ALWAYS the final decision is YOURS to determine how you will proceed....

Yes indeed, writing your family off is never an acceptable option.  They will always be your family, and with immediate family such as parents and siblings, I would never suggest that one should burn bridges.  It is way too easy in the heat of a moment to get into an argument and say things that you can never retract... once spoken, those words are out there forever, even if forgiveness is exchanged, those angry and hurtful words can still haunt you.   Later on in life you do not want to have regrets.

You can not control how they react but you can control how you react and what you say.   You should always show your parents your respect and love, your siblings too...  if a bridge gets does get burnt just be sure that it was not you that lit the match.

Regarding FIREFOX ...   I have always used Firefox exclusively and successfully on 3 different computers to login to Susan's Place and never ever had an issue.   
Just be sure that your Firefox is updated to the latest updates and look over your add-ons and other settings in FireFox that may cause issues.   
Worst case, delete the FireFox browser and then do a fresh download with the the factory default settings to see if that solves your problems....  if it does then you can start configuring the settings and add-ons as you see fit to do, but just a few at a time to make certain that they are not the cause of your log in issues.

Wishing you well with your life events.... proceed with lots of careful thought and choose your words with much care as you interface with family members.   Gaining acceptance from family members can be a most difficult gauntlet to get through, but remember it is also very difficult for them too.... thier son is now a daughter, brother is now a sister, etc...

Many HUGS and best wishes,   thanks for sharing ...
Danielle

[Jennifer M]

On the issue of bridges with family, I'm basically paralyzed right now for that exact reason. I'm walking on eggshells as it is, and don't want to push too hard. I've felt the best thing is to give them time, and right now, that's what I'm doing. But I also think I should be communicating with my sister before I start to show changes. E-mailing and not having any personal talk would significantly decrease the chance of a heated argument and angry words, that's for sure.

On the browser, if it's an issue of "now broken/not always working under old versions of Firefox" then I'll have to try it in Chrome because I can't update FF anymore. (Also I dislike the UI change that happened a while back.)

Of course, anger at things being broken online for no good reason, or getting broken in an "update", is a rant for some other forum.

Back on topic  , I relayed my scheduling issues at band tonight and the director said he would look at future concerts with an eye on "accommodating her", while meaning me. 

[LizK]

Jennifer

What an awful position to be in, families can be the most difficult to navigate. My brother was all supportive with me and then turned on me about 9 months into transition and took my parent with him. My parents still speak to me but just barely. Having said all of that I would not change it at all...it is really unfair for someone to use their relationship as a way of getting what they want at the expense of your happiness.

It is unfair in the extreme and to be honest there will come a time when you nieces and nephews will be old enough to make the choice themselves. Its messy and horrible with what feels like a lose lose situation. You only get one go around at this life and you sister is happily living her life as she wants it...don't you deserve the same?

I  hope you can work it out with the least amount of loss in your life.

Take care

Liz