hi there
You know...I'm starting to loose that spark that keeps people going, I don't know, life has become so difficult and boring that I lost all my motivation.
I mean, my best friend terminated our friendship for reasons beyond this post, which considering the fact that I'm horrible at socializing, specially now that I seen to have become quite self defensive, I end up not letting people approach me unconsciously. The fact is, me and my once best friend had quite an intimate relationship, we even made out and had lesbian sex a few times(I'm not bi though, it was an experience), that made us quite intimate and it seemed to make me feel complete, compensating for my nonexistent sexual life, I had love, affection and human touch in a way. The result is that I have one friend, I really like her but it's nothing like my old best friend nor it could ever be. Whenever she's not available to go out, I'm simply alone at home.
All this made my cravings for love and affection go through the roof, my libido is out of control and my desire to have a man to fall in love with and have that thing, you know, in my life, is just too much. It hurts a lot because every single man I meet or talk to say no when I tell them about my curse...Brazilian culture, the fact that they expected me to have a pussy, I really don't know. But it's currently impossible for me to have an active sexual life cause there are no men who wanna be with me.
All that's left is...loneliness, bills to pay, problems, more loneliness, insane levels of libido and sexual desire that can never be fulfilled, a constant pressure I make on myself all the time that I'm not making enough money to save for the surgery, the time is passing and I really need to end my organs misery once and for all. You know what it's life? I have this on my head ALL THE TIME! My organ causes me too much havoc, sadness and disaster so I can never stop thinking about it.
All in all, life has become too much trouble and no pleasure. No sex. No social life. No excitement. No romance. Nothing. Just emptiness. And that's the thing, I'm just not being exactly successful in finding a reason to live. That spark that keeps you going every day. The only thing that really makes me go on is the hope that I'll get the money for the surgery and that it'll be a success without any major complications. I feel like I'm dying inside and I don't know what to do anymore to make life something I wanna live. I guess...I just failed.
