Hello Marsha, and all the others on this thread,
I asked Jesus to be the Captain of my life in high school in 1972 in a Pentacostal church. From there I ended up in a Southern Baptist Church in another town, while away from home. When I returned a friend invited me to his First Baptist Church. I finally left home and joined a communal ministry that was started from a team out of Chuck Smith's Calvary Chapel, with Kathryn Kuhlman, the healer. I went to Oregon, Washington, Alaska, Denver, Houston, and finally South Lake Tahoe. I went to the ministry school in Oregon. Denver, Houston and SLT I was staff after graduating. That was all in three years. All during that time and before I had this insatiable urge to wear girls clothes. I loved the silkiness and softness. It was not a sexual thing. I just preferred them to what I wore.
I had three years with my first wife. She lied to me and told me she was Christian, having left the faith, but needing to come back. She always avoided going to church. There was always one excuse or another. When I was standing with her and discussing how our three children that she ran off with and turned into Social Services, telling them I was dead and she could not take care of them on her own, were now in foster care and they were Christians. I thought if they could not be with us, at least they were in Christian homes. Well, my wife said to me that all that Christian stuff was b.s. and the only reason she told me she was a Christian was so I would stop telling her about Jesus. Oh, and she wanted a divorce. After that I was more careful.
My second wife and I celebrated thirteen years together before she crossed in late 98. During those years I realized, through therapy that the years of anger and temper were caused from frustrations from as early as five years old. The biggest one was I hated men, thereby hating myself because I was being raised one. From that point my therapist had me try an experiment and tell my second wife what we talked about and that he wanted me to go home and start dressing as a woman just at home until our appointment next week. When I did, I received unconditional support from my wife. I was 36. That started my transition and I have been a mtf pre-op ts ever since. I think now the proper term is trans woman before srs.
During all this time, from the beginning in high school, until today, I have had a very strong spiritual relationship with Jesus. The holy spirit has been powerful in my life. Everything else may have been falling apart, but that one thing is strong and powerful. I too struggled for a long time with whether what I was doing was wrong or something hated by God or out of His will. But no matter what pastors and others told me, that still voice told me all is well. I was even told by a pastor that I better listen to the printed word and stop listening to the voices in my head. Well, those voices, or spirit is what has brought me this far, and has not been wrong since. There are so many reasons for having dysphoria. We really do not know why it happens. One thing I know. God created me, just as I am. Even imperfect and unfinished. God is the Creator and knows what he is doing and what our purpose is. I don't believe for one second that anything big or small escapes his notice. So why would the fact we are dysphoric be a mistake? It was intended. There is a purpose and therefore it can not be an abomination to him. God loves us and all Creation. But all of creation do not all choose him because of lies and the smokescreen that satan places in our lives. We have to hold on to the truth that God made us this way and there is a purpose and therefore our life is blessed by God. If I was to try and deny a part of me, I would be thumbing my nose at God's purpose for my life. We actually go through what we go through so that we can help others when they have the same questions as us. I too went through the buy clothes, purge clothes cycle because of the devil's guilt. The devil gives us guilt. God convicts. There is a difference. That is what victory is all about. Realizing we are free from guilt and condemnation. As Christians we have the holy spirit, the expression of God, to guide us. We just have to learn to be still and listen. If you believe in your heart and confess with your mouth Jesus is the christ (Son of God, Messiah), you shall be saved. We are his children. We are heirs of the throne. We are God's royal family. We have to start reaffirming that in our hearts and not the lies and accusations of the devil.
If you ever want to talk to me, I am here. You can pm me anytime. Thank you for starting this thread. It is the work of God.
Maranatha!
ReubyLouise
