I have doubts coming up....again

[Linde]

When I read here all the life stories of other people, i start to wonder again, whether I am really tansgender or a fluke of nature!
I The first five or six years of my life are mostly a blur with memories of being hungry at least half of the time.   I grew up in post WWII Germany, my father was prisoner of war in Siberia and my mother tried to keep herself and my two year old sister alive.  I know form pictures that I was wearing the old clothing of my sister, but that was out of necessity, and had nothing to do with gender preference.  I can't remember anything really except being hungry.

Later I was trying hard to fill my allocated gender role (which was not really my gender, as I know now), and tried to be a "real" boy and a "real" man.  I was always filled with envy that my friends could do all those manly things better than I!.  The fist thoughts of womanhood started to come up about 15 or so years ago, but that was not much, and It was easy to bottle them up again (a gender neutral job helped very much with that).  I really started to get female feeling about 5 or 6 years ago, when I always saw myself as a woman in my dreams  A lot of times I admired my vulva/vagina during those dreams - which, of course I do not have in reality!  The last big push to transit came when my breast started to grow a few years ago, but the urge to dress female happened during the course of the last few months only.  I am now more or less in female mode for 100% of my time.
But Is till don't have those feelings described by many here, for me it is more like that I reclaimed my body that was taken away from me many years ago.  I always was a girl who tried very hard to be a boy and a man (my body was never manly), and now I do not have to pretend to be a man anymore, and can relax back into my real self again.

I still have a hard time to connect with the feelings others here have.  I had breasts long before I even heard of HRT, I did never experience hair loss, but also never experienced body hair.  I always wondered why I did not have an Adams Apple and why I could not speak as low as my peers.
I wonder again, if I am really trans or if i am just a woman who was born with /assigned to the male plumbing bits?
I bet none of the "normal" trans women had a female menopause, I did!

I know that I want to be a woman, but am I a trans woman or what am I?  Do I belong to you girls, or am I just some kind of trans actor?

[Kirsteneklund7]

When I read here all the life stories of other people, i start to wonder again, whether I am really tansgender or a fluke of nature!
I The first five or six years of my life are mostly a blur with memories of being hungry at least half of the time.   I grew up in post WWII Germany, my father was prisoner of war in Siberia and my mother tried to keep herself and my two year old sister alive.  I know form pictures that I was wearing the old clothing of my sister, but that was out of necessity, and had nothing to do with gender preference.  I can't remember anything really except being hungry.

Later I was trying hard to fill my allocated gender role (which was not really my gender, as I know now), and tried to be a "real" boy and a "real" man.  I was always filled with envy that my friends could do all those manly things better than I!.  The fist thoughts of womanhood started to come up about 15 or so years ago, but that was not much, and It was easy to bottle them up again (a gender neutral job helped very much with that).  I really started to get female feeling about 5 or 6 years ago, when I always saw myself as a woman in my dreams  A lot of times I admired my vulva/vagina during those dreams - which, of course I do not have in reality!  The last big push to transit came when my breast started to grow a few years ago, but the urge to dress female happened during the course of the last few months only.  I am now more or less in female mode for 100% of my time.
But Is till don't have those feelings described by many here, for me it is more like that I reclaimed my body that was taken away from me many years ago.  I always was a girl who tried very hard to be a boy and a man (my body was never manly), and now I do not have to pretend to be a man anymore, and can relax back into my real self again.

I still have a hard time to connect with the feelings others here have.  I had breasts long before I even heard of HRT, I did never experience hair loss, but also never experienced body hair.  I always wondered why I did not have an Adams Apple and why I could not speak as low as my peers.
I wonder again, if I am really trans or if i am just a woman who was born with /assigned to the male plumbing bits?
I bet none of the "normal" trans women had a female menopause, I did!

I know that I want to be a woman, but am I a trans woman or what am I?  Do I belong to you girls, or am I just some kind of trans actor?

Hi Dietlind,
                    I think just expressing ourselves without suppression is the best we can do. This may or may not lead to transitioning genders. Many trans people have no choice but to undertake a full transition - others have the luxury of choice & how long they take. Others find out they are happy not transitioning at all.

I believe the key is living authentically and just letting the inner woman have as much expression as she needs.

Your intersex  frame of reference is interesting. I personally had surgery on my bits at age ten to correct a couple  underdeveloped structures. I discovered I am genetically normal XY & fertile but I believe in utero I was left with a lifelong lack of firm gender identity.

Your story is intriguing.

Kind regards, Kirsten.

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[MeTony]

You belong here. I am somewhat experiencing the same but from opposite side of the spectrum. I'm a guy. I always was. My shoulders are broad. I pass as a guy, even with my G-cup. It's more to it then gender parts. It's how you move, how you are as a person. I'm a dude. There's no doubt. But I was born with female attributes. I've never had PMS. Shark week was just a messy experience that I hated.
I also tried hard to be a woman when I became pregnant. I failed misserably and almost ended my life.

Because I am not a woman.

You are a woman, you know it. If you want to identify as transgender woman or just simply  woman, is up to you.

I identify as transgender guy until I'm done with the procedures. Then I'm just a guy. For me it's a small era in my life, transitioning.

Tony

[Kirsteneklund7]

You belong here. I am somewhat experiencing the same but from opposite side of the spectrum. I'm a guy. I always was. My shoulders are broad. I pass as a guy, even with my G-cup. It's more to it then gender parts. It's how you move, how you are as a person. I'm a dude. There's no doubt. But I was born with female attributes. I've never had PMS. Shark week was just a messy experience that I hated.
I also tried hard to be a woman when I became pregnant. I failed misserably and almost ended my life.

Because I am not a woman.

You are a woman, you know it. If you want to identify as transgender woman or just simply  woman, is up to you.

I identify as transgender guy until I'm done with the procedures. Then I'm just a guy. For me it's a small era in my life, transitioning.

Tony

I wish I had your clarity Tony.

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[HappyMoni]

Dietlind,
   You do indeed have an interesting background. Thank you for sharing it. I think if we look at the data of trans people's backgrounds we would see a bell curve, not a bar graph with two categories, "fit in" and "not fit in." I think it is a mistake to look at our pasts and try to fit in with those in the exact middle of that bell curve. Any differences you have from the people you hear here is totally okay, not disqualifying of being in this (elite, much sought after, lol) group. I think it most important that you do what you are comfortable doing in your life. I get what you are saying I think, though. People do the DNA testing all the time. "I always thought I was Korean, but when I got my results back, I found I was 52% Antarctican." If it bothers you, get the testing to see if you are intersex (or Antartican.) You do fit in here though, either way.
Moni

[Linde]

You belong here. I am somewhat experiencing the same but from opposite side of the spectrum. I'm a guy. I always was. My shoulders are broad. I pass as a guy, even with my G-cup. It's more to it then gender parts. It's how you move, how you are as a person. I'm a dude. There's no doubt. But I was born with female attributes. I've never had PMS. Shark week was just a messy experience that I hated.
I also tried hard to be a woman when I became pregnant. I failed misserably and almost ended my life.

Because I am not a woman.

You are a woman, you know it. If you want to identify as transgender woman or just simply  woman, is up to you.

I identify as transgender guy until I'm done with the procedures. Then I'm just a guy. For me it's a small era in my life, transitioning.

Tony

You are lucky that you always had that gender identity!
I am like Kirsteneklund7, I had no real gender identity.  I tried for most of my life to be a man, because that was the gender role assigned to me, but as I know now, my biology was more female than male.  Nobody allowed me to be female, I was told that I was male, and by god, I wanted to be a male, but never being able to achieve this goal because of my bodies biology.  This constant trying to reach the stars of manhood, without having the tools to do so, did wear me out a lot, and caused increased anger in me, until I finally broke and had to admit that I never could reach that manly icon. 
I think very much, and hope it is true that I am a woman now, the way I was supposed to be all my life.
But can I achieve the goal of being a woman?  There will always be that part man inside me that I cannot shed.  The plight of being born intersex.  The Chromosomes will not go away, some of them will always be male, and may prevent me from being a woman for 100%!

[Linde]

Dietlind,
   You do indeed have an interesting background. Thank you for sharing it. I think if we look at the data of trans people's backgrounds we would see a bell curve, not a bar graph with two categories, "fit in" and "not fit in." I think it is a mistake to look at our pasts and try to fit in with those in the exact middle of that bell curve. Any differences you have from the people you hear here is totally okay, not disqualifying of being in this (elite, much sought after, lol) group. I think it most important that you do what you are comfortable doing in your life. I get what you are saying I think, though. People do the DNA testing all the time. "I always thought I was Korean, but when I got my results back, I found I was 52% Antarctican." If it bothers you, get the testing to see if you are intersex (or Antartican.) You do fit in here though, either way.
Moni

Thank you Moni
I was tested now and I know that I am a XXY person, which means, I am intersex.  That is the reason why my body never developed into a real male body, it was always in between the two worlds.  More testing revealed that I seam to always have been more female than male, including a female type menopause about 16 years ago (genome analysis indicates this).
With other words, I was mostly a biological woman but with male plumbing!  And that plumbing decided how I was supposed to grow up and live!
I tried very hard to be a real man.  It was not that hard to do this until puberty hit, and the real real man showed that by developing secondary sex characteristics.  My body decided to do puberty only partially (as I know now, because I am currently finishing it, by growing breasts), and I was really different from my peers!
I never had that desire to be or act like a girl, my entire world was focused on how to be a real guy, because I knew that this was what I was supposed to be!
Therefore it hit me very hard, when my body decided to go down the female route (with that stupid menopause thing), and decided that it wanted to be more female now (stupid chromosomes).  A few years ago, my mind caught finally up with my body, and I was excited that I do not have to pretend to be a guy anymore. 
But Is till don't feel that unbelievable strong drive that I read here about, when members say they can think way back into their early life and felt that they wanted to be a girl!
For me being female just means, I do that what my body wants me to be, and being female seems to be easier for me than pretending to be male.  I think it is almost the same feeling a cis woman has, not yearning for it, but just being it (but I still have the male chromosomes inside me and that darn male plumbing down there).  This means, I never can be a real cis woman the same way I never could be a real cis man!  I am afraid that I now have to try to fill the woman role without ever being able to achieve it fully?

I really envy you "normal" trans women, because you always knew who you were supposed to be, no matter which body you were in!

[Lacy]

Dietlind,
Thanks for sharing more about your experience as intersex. Most of us can never experience the exact feelings you have due to our genetic make up.

There is no doubt you belong with us! The labels used to describe everyone on here are more for society to be able to hopefully understand us more. They try to put everything in neat little boxes.

You cannot put individual people that are unique into replicate boxes.

Forget the labels, embrace your inner self and live life freely!

Much love,
Lacy

[KathyLauren]

But can I achieve the goal of being a woman? 

I think very much, and hope it is true that I am a woman now

I think you just answered your own question.  You are a woman.  Whether or not you are comfortable living in that social role is a question that only you can answer.  But if you think you are a woman, you are.

The Chromosomes will not go away, some of them will always be male, and may prevent me from being a woman for 100%!

Yeah, chromosomes.   As far as I know, my chromosomes are pure XY.  I have no reason or desire to have them tested, because it really doesn't matter.  I was permanently influenced by estrogen in the womb, and now I am under its influence once more, by choice this time.

By all means get your chromosomes tested if it will answer some of your questions.  But who you are is just who you are.  You don't have to fit into anyone's pigeonhole.

[Linde]

Dietlind,
Thanks for sharing more about your experience as intersex. Most of us can never experience the exact feelings you have due to our genetic make up.

There is no doubt you belong with us! The labels used to describe everyone on here are more for society to be able to hopefully understand us more. They try to put everything in neat little boxes.

You cannot put individual people that are unique into replicate boxes.

Forget the labels, embrace you inner self and live life freely!

Much love,
Lacy

Thank you Lacy, i try very hard to live my life the way it feels best, but it is difficult to turn that darn brain off!
I feel very comfortable being a woman, but there is that little corner in my brain trying to tell me "you never could be a real man, you might no be able to be a real woman either".

Interestingly, I feel no gender dysphoria about my male parts, I have no dysphoria wearing male clothing.  And now that i found out that I can find nice looking women shoes for my large feet that dysphoria is gone, too.
I think I am still pretty gender fluid, with a current preference towards the female side, but could switch to male (i think) without any problem if I need to.  In fact, when I go to car repair shops or do-it-yourself outfits, I always go as a male  because of the better treatment!  I have no problems with this, and will do so for as long as I can hide my breasts underneath a male shirt.

That stupid intersex thing is really confusing for my poor brain!

[Linde]

By all means get your chromosomes tested if it will answer some of your questions.  But who you are is just who you are.  You don't have to fit into anyone's pigeonhole.

As I wrote earlier, I had them tested and I am XXY with a strong leaning toward female (had female type menopause about 16 years ago)
And I hope that it is the right thing to give into the desires of my body to let the girl out for good no!

[Dena]

"A rose by any other name would smell as sweet". Don't worry about the label you apply to yourself, just worry about reaching your goal. If you want to call yourself transgender feel free to. Being transgender is a self diagnosed condition and doctors only confirm the condition. A doctor would never class you as transgender unless you had at least some doubt at the start.

As for doubt about being transgender, you may want to read more introductions. Many of us join the site not knowing if they are transgender or if we have a fetish. After years of experience, I find it difficult to believe that fetishes exist and if they do, I would think they are very rare. What we think is a fetish is nearly always somebody who hasn't explored their feelings enough to understand why they feel the way they do.

In the time I have been on this site, I have learned the stories of many of our members. Some are intersex like you and have had to deal with the same conflicts that you are dealing with. A few were female at birth who where surgically converted to males shortly after birth then raised as males. They also tried hard to live up to what was expected of them and some where fairly successful at it however the feeling that something was wrong at some point drove them to this site.

Don't worry about a label but try to find where your comfortable in life. This site is here to help anybody who wants it. I have worked with multiple personality members, CIS women interested in FFS, many people who are transgender and a number of assorted other members. Just be true to yourself and give it time.

[Maid Marion]

Like you, I'm somewhere in the middle.  I have fully functional male plumbing, but I'm short and easily pass as a woman.  Especially if the I'm on the telephone or if they get to watch me walk!  Which are the hardest things for people transitioning to accomplish. 

But, I've always been different, so I've never been burdened with the idea that I had to live up to some "standard" set by society.

[Linde]

Thank you Dena for the re encouragement!  I feel like a woman.  As I said, it maybe like a cis woman feels, because I do not wake up with the desire to be a woman, I am one! 
But at some point that corner of my brain comes in and tries to put doubt into me being a woman, and tries to pull me into the gender fluid mode again!

Because of my body, it is way easier for my exterior appearance to be a woman than it is for "normal" trans women.  I do not have to deal with many of the masculine body features that require changing.   
But I also do not have that strong determination and drive that "normal" trans women seem to have, to be a woman, and nothing but a woman!  To a large extend, I am a biological woman (except for the genitals), and I always was one.  One who tried to play male very hard. 
I wish I had that strong drive, that many of you have, to be a woman.  But as I asked before, do cis women have that drive?  I just may feel like any given cis woman?

[Linde]

Like you, I'm somewhere in the middle.  I have fully functional male plumbing, but I'm short and easily pass as a woman.  Especially if the I'm on the telephone or if they get to watch me walk!  Which are the hardest things for people transitioning to accomplish. 

But, I've always been different, so I've never been burdened with the idea that I had to live up to some "standard" set by society.

Marion, you seem to pretty young, and you are lucky to be born way later than I was. 
When I was born and grew up (I am tall, 6', typical for XXY persons), there was no other gender than male or female.  Everybody who did not fall into one of those, was either a nut case or ready for the freak show in carnivals.  I assume that this was the reason that it was decided that I will be a male.  Society did not allow any exceptions.  I tried very hard to be a good male, but failed at the end!
I don't know if I walk like a woman, but I always was a runner (for many years at least 5 miles every day), and that may have altered the way I walk.  It definitely took away any kind of "bubble" butt I might have had, or could have developed. 
My voice pitch is in the lower female range, but my speech pattern seems to be more male.  If I watch it, I can easily sound like a female who has a lower voice (most older women have a lower voice anyway).

I hope that you can keep up your confidence, and achieve any goals you have.  It is ideal when you professional goals and you private/emotional goals can be achieved, and even better, match with each other.

I was pretty successful in my profession, but my job as a medical researcher was very gender neutral. My private goals collapsed at the end, because I could not continue to meet the male requirements for them!