Dealing with self hate??

[Chelsea]

I didn't really know where to post this so here goes. I'm pretty sure I am not the only one dealing with this. I have had this self hated for at least 30 years. Its something that has gotten worse through the years living a fake life as a guy and it is most of the reason I have not gone full time. I have Body dysmorphic disorder (BDD) and its really bad at times. My doctor put me on a antidepressant and after taking them a few days I had a panic attack and had to be rushed to the emergency room with a blood pressure of 148/128. That will be the very last SSRI pill I will ever take of any kind. That being said I'm asking all of you how to just be happy with myself?
  The HRT is helping some but its only every once and a while that I see a girl in the mirror looking back. I am hoping with more time on hormones it leaves me alone for once. If there is anything any of you can recommend I would greatly appreciate it.

Hugs,
           Chelesa

[Linde]

If the picture of the avatar is yours, I see a real pretty female looking at me!
You might try to talk with a psychologist who is specialized in transgender issues.

[Nina]

From my perspective and experience, I believe what you're going through is normal. I remember that first year on meds, and looking in the mirror. Effects of HrT will vary of course.
From the moment I took my first pill, I didn't look at it as it was going to change me to any significant degree. It wasn't a magic pill.
What changed for me was electrolysis, time living in my own skin, and looking in the mirror for positive things. Sort of like daily affirmation that I'm Nina, I'm a woman, and I belong.
Some benefit from surgeries, I opted for the tracheal shave and GRS...that's it. I could have spent money, but because I felt so comfortable with who I was and I saw in the mirror, I felt it'd be a waste of money.
Positive thinking!!

[Northern Star Girl]

I didn't really know where to post this so here goes. I'm pretty sure I am not the only one dealing with this. I have had this self hated for at least 30 years. Its something that has gotten worse through the years living a fake life as a guy and it is most of the reason I have not gone full time. I have Body dysmorphic disorder (BDD) and its really bad at times. My doctor put me on a antidepressant and after taking them a few days I had a panic attack and had to be rushed to the emergency room with a blood pressure of 148/128. That will be the very last SSRI pill I will ever take of any kind. That being said I'm asking all of you how to just be happy with myself?
  The HRT is helping some but its only every once and a while that I see a girl in the mirror looking back. I am hoping with more time on hormones it leaves me alone for once. If there is anything any of you can recommend I would greatly appreciate it.

Hugs,
           Chelesa

@Chelsea
Dear Chelsea:
I am not surprised to see this posting of your and the subject that you are discussing...  in many of your previous posting on your personal thread you have talked about these issues several times.

I really can't be very helpful with the medical issues that you mentioned, I have no expertise or personal experience to share with you about that.

I will tell you however, and you have heard it from me before, we are our own worst and most critical CRITICS !!!
For you to not see the beautiful transitioning female in the mirror or in you pictures is very difficult for all of us to understand.   
On your personal thread last week you posted a before and after picture comparison and the difference in your appearance from the pre-HRT obviously male presentation to the present day picture of you as a beautiful appearing female is stunning, the difference is very dramatic.   As many of the reply comments on that thread mentioned, it will NOT take years more of HRT to become passable and convincing... and you are getting very close to that goal as is evident by your latest photos.

I would suggest to help you continue on and to eventually get over your self-hatred is to dress and present yourself as Chelsea as close to full-time as often as possible ...  I know that you have had some self-perceived and unfortunately some actual failures going out and about as Chelsea... hey girl, most all of us have had those moments but do not be deterred, keep going out there, initially always being surrounded by your accepting female friends and even some of your male friends.....  SAFETY IN NUMBERS !!!   It will keep getting easier and more successful every time you do that.  Again, we can be our own worst and most critical CRITICS...  you need to start believing your friends when they tell you that you look just fine.

Oh, and remember, mirrors and cameras are NOT a Girl's Best Friend.

Thank you for sharing and I trust that you will soon start believing in yourself.
Hugs and well wishes,
Danielle

[Donica]

Hi Chelsea! I can only speak for my self in that antidepressants only mad things worse. HRT has helped a lot for me but not just in the physical changes, but also the fact of knowing I'm doing something about it and am on my way to becoming the real person I am.

May I ask if you have a therapist? A therapist with trans experience can help a lot with your BDD. I can't say if HRT is going to help but for me, I'm happier at 15 months than I was at 9 months HRT. Going full time has helped me a lot too.

Stay positive Chelsea!
Hugs, Donica.

[Chelsea]

Hi Chelsea! I can only speak for my self in that antidepressants only mad things worse. HRT has helped a lot for me but not just in the physical changes, but also the fact of knowing I'm doing something about it and am on my way to becoming the real person I am.

May I ask if you have a therapist? A therapist with trans experience can help a lot with your BDD. I can't say if HRT is going to help but for me, I'm happier at 15 months than I was at 9 months HRT. Going full time has helped me a lot too.

Stay positive Chelsea!
Hugs, Donica.

Yes I see a therapist every month that specializes in trans issues. So far its not helped the BDD.

Hugs,
           Chelsea

[Kylo]

A lot of self-hate comes from the idea we are different from everyone else. If everyone else on the planet also suffered our condition, would we hate ourselves quite so much? We'd still hate certain bits of ourselves I guess, but at least we wouldn't feel alone or freakish.

Just remember everyone else out there - while they may not be trans - is little better than you or me and they all have their own hidden insecurities and neuroses as well. Some are beating themselves up over things that from the outside just looks stupid to do or are trapped in harmful ways of thinking. We just tend to think we are the only ones suffering that badly or uniquely. Everybody else is far from perfect too. Knowing/believing that reduced my "problem" from a personal vendetta against myself to just another problem in the human experience (to be overcome and dealt with).

When you think everyone else is comparatively perfect, that's when you start to really hate yourself. Fact is, nobody's perfect. They're all flawed and have ugly aspects to them, inside or out. Accept that and you can accept yourself a bit more. 

[Faith]

<snip> .... its only every once and a while that I see a girl in the mirror looking back. I am hoping with more time on hormones it leaves me alone for once. If there is anything any of you can recommend I would greatly appreciate it ...

Time and distraction.

From your description you have it much worse than I do. I would break down and start crying if I looked too closely into a mirror or photo. I could only concentrate on one aspect at a time .. doing my hair? Only look at the hair. Brushing my teeth? look at the brush. etc.

I am getting better. Low dosage of seeing myself, distract when I can't, friends supporting me .. not by telling me what they thought I needed to hear, by telling me what they honestly see so that I began to see it as well.

I made the step to post a weekly selfie (mostly) in my thread. Some went away, some came back, new ones stayed. Now I have an avatar that when I first saw it I could not look at it, things have changed.

I've now shared my whole (unfiltered) pack of selfie photos with someone. I even granted them permission to host and post the ones they like. ACK!! (best be careful there ) anyways, this from a person that when someone posted a picture of me in a thought to help made me totally break down in tears, have my thread locked, and I stayed away from the forums. I had to EMAIL to have the photo removed, I couldn't even look at it long enough to hit the report button.

Little by little, day by day. positive reinforcement either from yourself or others or both. you will beat this. Chelsea will shine

have Faith
(sorry, I had to )

[krobinson103]

Self hate. I lived with self hate for over 30 years. I didn't like photos, or mirrors. The reason was quite simple. The person I saw wasn't the person I am. Now it took a long time but at 43 I started hrt and the changes came thick and fast. Now, just over a year later I went to the pool, put on my (female) bathing suit and played with my kid. I reflected that though the path has been rocky, and mostly up hill, as of this day I like my skin, like myself, and the negativity is gone.

Be true to your path, be patient, take each day as it comes, and the day will come when you look at your photo/reflection and go say "yes, that's who lives inside."

[MeTony]

Do you see a therapist for BDD? I think that is the thing making you hate your body. You are beautiful, but BDD makes your mind twisted.

I used to hate mirrors when I presented as a woman. Because I always saw a guy looking back at me. Even if I looked like a woman. But the feeling was a guy. I avoided mirrors and photos. But when I finally came out, I can see myself in the mirror and take selfies. I'm pre T but I see myself in a process of becoming the man I am.

The gender therapist is no expert on BDD. You should find yourself an expert to help you with that problem. You can see them both. No need to end the gender therapy.


Tony

[Artistic_Gene]

I think in a way we all suffer from a sort of "imposter" syndrome during transition. It can happen no matter how many years you're on HRT. It may not fully go away, but that doesn't mean we can't be ready—the best defense is a good offense. Find what activities, clothes, makeup, accessories, or anything that make you feel like the woman you are. Expand on those things until it's something you do normally, at least once a day. Paint your nails, put on Pat Benatar, read some kickass feminist literature, whatever. Then when you have those days where the mirror tells you cruel things, you can fall back on all these and be like "oh nah, I'm good actually. Not today, depression!" and be the fierce woman you are.