Transition Update: 8 Months in the Good, the bad and the in Between

[TranSketch]

So it now marks 8 months since I started self medding due to the NHS not being quite so understanding of my situation,  (aka not presenting/living as a female full time because of the area I live in so basically safety reasons)in that time there has been some developments, breast growth though not great and maybe skin softening but still no reduction in muscle/shoulder mass also the weight has ballooned so it looks like I have a beer gut and moobs instead of an developing chest.

Now after all this time I have been referred to an Endocrinologist at the start of next year to see about getting HRT through the safe and cordoned NHS method as opposed to my unchecked self med ways, I do not recommend this method but in my situation the refusal to authorise them sent me to a deep low that I needed to act and I was willing to play devils advocate with my health but no one else really should.

Now in theory the good is as mentioned the Endocrinologist which means they're finally taking me seriously, the London Gender Clinic has my details on there system for whenever there is an actual appointment for me and yes some minor physical changes.

The bad my emotions are up and down so much one day I can wake up just fine or other days I'm seemingly depressed for no reason or I'm snappy when someone says something that rubs me the wrong way, I dislike the fact development has taken so long and feel without having tests for the correct dose of medication I am in need of a higher dosage, I hate the fact I have such a stomach and feel overweight and ugly and when presenting as female on the rare occasion I do  and that all people see is some overweight guy in drag.

I am now at a point having seen examples of before and after M to F transitions and seeing the little progress with my own developments that maybe this was a bad idea and the expectations I had of being passable and attractive are about as likely as I am to pick the winning lottery tickets everytime there's a major jackpot (aka very little chance), I'm currently a size 18 - 20 UK and even if by some miracle went down to a 14 have my serious doubts I'd look little more than just a thinner male then, I'm debating whether doing this as a whole is realistic anymore or do I just give up on it and accept my lot in life as a miserable guy as I'm no more happier for doing this than if I hadn't started transitioning.

I just am curious of peoples take on this as I very much doubt I'm the first to experience this situation but honestly I've set such a mental high bar of how I want to turn out if I get less than that picture in my head I know I will be unhappy with that to and be stuck with irreversible changes that make me stand out in a bad way.

[Arianna Valentine]

Okay so I read through your 8 months update I'm actually on my 8 month update as well first I want to apologize that you were not able to actually start transitioning with an endocrinologist although I give you major Kudos and it Round of Applause for being brave enough to start medicating yourself to transition that is very brave as far as the stomach growth but the breast not growing I completely understand that I am going through the exact same thing I know in my pictures it looks like I have breast growth which I do but it's so minor that you can't really tell it does look more like moobs but I use a ball that increases the look of my cup size by two sizes currently I have the moob issue as well I do think that you have not made a mistake and transitioning you felt like you should be a woman and you are taking steps to make your body the correct gender the same as I am just because you're not seeing results right now does not mean it wasn't a right move if you feel honestly deep inside that it was the right move then it was just because everything's not happening as fast as we'd like doesn't mean we're wrong also I completely feel you on the emotions aspect I can go from ecstatic to sassy to angry too depressed to sad so quick but it's crazy really you will get their sister stay strong and I am sure that your efforts to self-medicate have helped even if they don't show when you get to the see the endocrinologist you will see when you get the blood work that it has helped stay strong if you ever need to talk I'm here for you you can private message me anytime day or night and I will reply as soon as I can

If you can't accept yourself,  how can you expect others to accept you?

[TranSketch]

Okay so I read through your 8 months update I'm actually on my 8 month update as well first I want to apologize that you were not able to actually start transitioning with an endocrinologist although I give you major Kudos and it Round of Applause for being brave enough to start medicating yourself to transition that is very brave as far as the stomach growth but the breast not growing I completely understand that I am going through the exact same thing I know in my pictures it looks like I have breast growth which I do but it's so minor that you can't really tell it does look more like moobs but I use a ball that increases the look of my cup size by two sizes currently I have the moob issue as well I do think that you have not made a mistake and transitioning you felt like you should be a woman and you are taking steps to make your body the correct gender the same as I am just because you're not seeing results right now does not mean it wasn't a right move if you feel honestly deep inside that it was the right move then it was just because everything's not happening as fast as we'd like doesn't mean we're wrong also I completely feel you on the emotions aspect I can go from ecstatic to sassy to angry too depressed to sad so quick but it's crazy really you will get their sister stay strong and I am sure that your efforts to self-medicate have helped even if they don't show when you get to the see the endocrinologist you will see when you get the blood work that it has helped stay strong if you ever need to talk I'm here for you you can private message me anytime day or night and I will reply as soon as I can

If you can't accept yourself,  how can you expect others to accept you?

The letter specifies a urine sample rather than blood for the Endocrinologist, no idea as to why as I would have thought blood would be the more obvious test.

In regards to self medding it was a serious and potentially dangerous gamble which is why I don't encourage anyone to do that, just the fact that when my Therapist refused me them I hit a dangerous low, the kind of low suicidal tendencies start to swim about your mind, it wasn't brave just me being reckless and playing devils advocate but my hand was forced.

Up to now most of this transition has just been me battling against the system instead of the support I should have been getting actually provided which has left a bitter taste in my mouth I must admit as thus far I have felt people in our situation are less prioritised despite the potential risks of self harm/suicide and psyche damage it causes an individual waiting to transition through the official means.

[Arianna Valentine]

The letter specifies a urine sample rather than blood for the Endocrinologist, no idea as to why as I would have thought blood would be the more obvious test.

In regards to self medding it was a serious and potentially dangerous gamble which is why I don't encourage anyone to do that, just the fact that when my Therapist refused me them I hit a dangerous low, the kind of low suicidal tendencies start to swim about your mind, it wasn't brave just me being reckless and playing devils advocate but my hand was forced.

Up to now most of this transition has just been me battling against the system instead of the support I should have been getting actually provided which has left a bitter taste in my mouth I must admit as thus far I have felt people in our situation are less prioritised despite the potential risks of self harm/suicide and psyche damage it causes an individual waiting to transition through the official means.

I completely agree we don't get the priority that some of us should me when I saw my therapist she told me that I would have to see her for up to a year before she would allow me to start hormones I understood this for me I could deal because I still had to take steps in my life to be ready basically dressing feminine all the time which even now I don't hundred percent of the time cuz my dad doesn't accept me and I take care of him but I did receive acceptance from other family members and stuff and you from everything you said have not received that and I am sorry that you haven't received that I know how horrible it is for just one person not accepting me I can't imagine nobody accepting me I do agree with you I would not recommend self-medicating to anybody but I think you were very brave. And it was that you felt you needed to take yes it usually is a blood test so I'm not completely sure why they want a urine test unless it's too test for other drug use I I don't think that you're in would tell your current estrogen level but I don't know all I can say is I do wish you the best of luck on your appointment and I do hope that everything goes perfectly and that you can be on medical hormones and start transitioning with the help of an endocrinologist and again if you ever need to talk please feel free to private message me anytime

If you can't accept yourself,  how can you expect others to accept you?

[pamelatransuk]

Hello again TranSketch

As you know we have corresponded before and it is nice to hear from you again. As you may see, I am 10 months HRT.

First of all, as you say Transgender Care under UK NHS system is inadequately funded and it is ridiculous that NHS usually insist on presenting female fulltime before HRT. As you know I decided therefore to go private with GenderGP but I know that was not possible for you.

I am delighted that you have now broken through the NHS barriers and that you are on the London GIC system; I hope you do not have to wait too long into 2019 for your appointment. Do you know why they selected London GIC instead of another nearer to you? There are GICs in the North and Midlands of course.

You are correct in that it is usually Blood Tests which are taken as opposed to urine tests. I am sure BTs for Estradiol and Testosterone will be performed after 3/4 months of HRT and regularly thereafter.

My advice is to give proper medically supervised HRT a reasonable amount of time before you come to any decision about giving up. You will be given low dose to start and even low dose should result in some changes - usually emotional before physical but physical will also happen on a gradual basis. Just to give you an example, I developed breast buds within 3 months but I did not develop proper boobs till 8 months HRT.

I truly wish you the best when you see your Endo and that you are granted an early start on HRT. I believe you should see some minor fast benefits on HRT but it does take time and patience.

Please keep us informed (either here on Transgender Talk Board or after starting HRT on the HRT Board).

Sending Hugs to you.

Pamela