I spent a full week of depression trying to come to terms with my fear... it is not so much about the changes it will do to me but the reaction it will cause in my social sphere. I've finally made progress with my wife and we are becoming closer once more but I am not 100% sure if that is her trying to stop me or she genuinely is becoming more accepting. When she finds out I am starting HRT, that will be a big turning point in our relationship. So I am anxious and worry about it a lot.
It is scary. It is frightening. I think that is normal.
I can imagine if it wasn't right for you, then you would start feeling dysphoria in reverse.
As for the masculine activities... the only thing I do that is male dominated these days is mountain climbing. But I met a young woman in the summer who was amazing... she's bagged a lot more hills than I have and she's half my age. So I figured, if she can do it as a woman, then there is nothing stopping me continuing as a woman. There are plenty of women doing things traditionally considered masculine and they tend to be better at it than most average men. It was one of the biggest sticking points I had when it all exploded inside of me. What will change by transitioning? And honestly, the only positive I could come up with was I would finally be happy being myself and that is because gender roles are a lot less rigid these days. So I wouldn't worry about what is masculine and what is feminine in terms of the things you like doing. The need to transition is a lot deeper than that. It is something from inside us, not what is on the outside.
