“Stop, wait what about me?”

[Peggiann]

Your Spouse has told you that they are Transexual, that SRS is in the future. You have delt with initial shock and now realize, that things are now going to be different in your relationship. Can you share what those relationship differences are/ will be as you get to different stages of the transition? How does a spouse handle them. Is it ok to say,"Stop, wait what about me?" Or how about,"I need this are you willing to go this far for my needs " and "and...?" Are we still being supportive if we do ask these things?

Smiles,
Peggiann

[angelsgirl]

It's totally normal to be worried about your future, I bet you did when you thought you we a "normal" couple.  I hesitate to say that it's not supportive to tell your "Stop, wait, what about me?" as much as it a need to discuss how things are going to be with some certainty of what your future together is going to entail.  I know you probably all hate me because I got to choose my partner knowing she was transgender and am therefore a happier person for it. I haven't invested all those years in a relationship to be surprised in such a way.  But I am real good at seeing myself in another's position and the way I see it is that a transsexual has spent their entire life playing the role in society that their body places them in, including with you. Now it has become unbearable to them to continue on that way, they NEED to make their body match their mind, and they have about as much choice about it as you do.  Well, you also have to do for you.  If you absolutely know that you can't be in that kind of relationship, if you simply cannot be romatically involved with someone of the same sex physically, know matter how much your brain loves them, than that is something that you also don't have a choice on.  See, if I were in your shoes,  I would be okay with everything (after the initial shock, that is) because I'm okay with everything right now.  But if I wasn't bisexual, it would be a big problem for me.  The thing is, nobody really thinks about the possibility of their hetero spouse actually ending up being the same gender as them. And why would anybody?  Chances are, if you're not bisexual and you knew what was going to happen before you got involved with the person, you probably wouldn't have gotten involved with them. (If I'm way off on this, please tell me!)  If you find that you cannot continue to be in a committed relationship once the transition happens, it's not really that you're not being supportive, you can't help what your sexual preference is.  But you can't really ask them to not do it, either. Because they can't help being what they are (and if I were trapped in a man's body I would get right on that transition thing!)  So I guess it's really a fine line in terms of what is supportive, what is a neccessity for your own well-being, and what's not supportive.  Just my 2 cents!

~angelsgirl

[Peggiann]

I know you probably all hate me because I got to choose my partner knowing she was transgender and am therefore a happier person for it. Not at all! I never have understood the mind frame "missery loves company".

Well, you also have to do for you. I believe this is true also. One should always be Fair,Firm, and Friendly to ones self.

The thing is, nobody really thinks about the possibility of their hetero spouse actually ending up being the same gender as them. And why would anybody? Yes Point taken.

it's really a fine line in terms of what is supportive, what is a neccessity for your own well-being, and what's not supportive.

Thanks for your thoughts you and I agree on pretty much everything. Just through this out for comment in case someone needed to work through it. You make really good points others will find helpful I thinks.

Smiles,
Peggiann

[Gill]

I saw this post the other day and have thought a lot about it.  I had a reply set up ready to go a few times but then changed my mind about what it is I wanted to share.

The shock - will you really NEVER get over the shock do you?  Life as you know it is now changed forever (if you remain in the relationship).  Though for years I knew about Steph's "other life", as a family we worked hard at hiding it from everyone.  Towards the end this became more and more difficult as Steph didn't want to "hide" anymore.  This was definitely not what I bargained for or how I thought my life would end up.  All the deals, bargains, and agreements that were made along the way are now meaningless.  You have to begin from scratch - AGAIN.  Where do I stand in this relationship, where is it that you are going.  Do you both still have the same goals now.  As hard as I tried to keep Steph "in line"  it just didn't work.  I laughed then, but the experience was at times not pleasant.

Once the decision has been made to go forward, there is a multitude of emotions.  For the SO you begin to mourn the loss of your husband, a change in the friendship you once had, the loss of your marriage.  It is devastating, for me this mourning lasted for about a year.  And at times I still get weepy about the losses.  It is hard to focus on the positives because you feel there really isn't any.  You have had to tell your family, your children, co-workers.  All those years keeping that secret life inside.  For me it was the telling of the family that is and remains the most diffficult (except for Jack our 80 year old neighbour - funny that, but that's another story).  The risk of loosing just everyone you hold dear could be blown away in moment.  I have the best big brother and sister-in-law ever.  When we came out to them, it was they that did a lot of talking to the others.  When the others offered rejection they in no uncertain terms said "get off your high horse" you can't do this to them because of your own prejuidices.  That's what it is all about people have to face their prejuidices and they are not going to thank you it either.  For those that say I have told friends and not my family.  I understand that, you're scard - but you have to tell them.  Both you and the family are living a lie if they don't know.  If I had to do it all again - I would have been more up front with everyone, especially our daughter. 

Soooo to sum up.......

It all about the stages of a death in the family, the shock, the loss, the anger, then the acceptance.  Now the acceptance may be the decision to move on or to stay.

Once the acceptance stage hits - you begin to wake up from the fog.  For me it meant taking back some of my independance and doing the things I wanted to do - alone. 

Lots of words and emotions.

Gill

[Dennis]

I'm glad to see these posts. For those of us who are transitioning, there's so much going on for us that often we forget to think about the effects our changes are having on others and our relationship with others.

Dennis

[Gill]

Hello Dennis:

Yes, we all get caught up in this vortex that we forget that there is a world out there.  I think for the TS person, the elation of realizing a dream and for the SO it may be the death of the dream.  You have to, at times, say "Stop wait, what about me".  That may seem selfish, but you know everything is bruised and sometimes you have to take card of those bruises.  We are so busy taking care of everyone else we do get left behind a times.

Gill 

[Chaunte]

Gill,

This is something that weighs very heavy on my mind.

As of right now, I have not yet come out to my SO.  Every scenerio I have run through my mind has us seperating.  After talking with my therapist, she agrees that there is almost no hope of us staying together.

Now, to be honest, we have enough problems as it is.  This will be the straw that breaks the camel's back. 

So, like you, I have been in mourning.  I know that, once I come out, I will be pulling the trigger on a cascade of events - and I am not yet ready to let go.  And it causes me pain to think of the pain I will be causing.

Chaunte

[Dennis]

That's what I felt like, Chaunte. She kept asking the question, "what if I transitioned, what if you transitioned, would we stay together". Her answer was always no. Mine was not.

So I knew that if I transitioned, I was going to lose my marriage. And I did. So that was a factor in deciding to transition. Then, after thinking about it for three weeks before I told her, I got accused of being dishonest. Anyway, it did turn out to be for the better, but it was fairly agonizing at the time. Especially with my mother saying "who will love you now?".

Lots of people do, just not in a sexual way. Eventually that will come. But I do feel loved, and more importantly, I feel loved as me.

Dennis

[Peggiann]

Thank you (Everyone) for posting amd sharing,

I'm at a spot I still can't put into words what I'm feeling. I read over what each of you say and I just have rises of a burning sinsation in my chest, and tears well up in my eyes and I can't think or make head way at this time. Your post help me feel something even if I can't share more directly and distinkedly what. I need to read these post because the more I do the more clear I may become and the fog may too lift for me. So thanks.

Peggiann

[melissa_girl]

Coming out was one of the first steps I did with my transition.  I wanted to get the worst out of the way and I am glad I have at this point.  It sure makes a lot of the other stuff easier.  I have little resistance from those around me. 

It is hard to focus on the positives because you feel there really isn't any.

One thing about me transitioning, is I have come out to be a much better person as female than I was as male.  My wife says this and I found out my kids feel the same way.  That is one of the biggest reasons why she has been supportive of my transition.  When I first met my wife, I was quite feminine for a male and many of those traits are what attracted my wife to me.  As the years went by, I tried to act more masculine and as a result made everyone (including myself) unhappy.  Over the past 4 and a half months, I have improved significantly and still strive to be a much better female.

Melissa

[Alison]

I think Gill hit the nail on the head when she says you don't really ever stop mourning the loss... I look at wedding pictures, and other pictures (not too many, Jaycie hates the camera) that were taken before she started transition, and i do miss the guy in them... I still get slightly annoyed that our life will never be 'normal' to other people... and i know folks will say "who cares about what those other people think?"  Well sometimes I do... I hate the swapping back and forth with her and him, Jaycie and Jason... with almost all of our family and my work, its him, and Jason... with most of our friends, and at home, her and Jaycie... I accidentily slip, both ways, all the time... ><  It can get really mentally exhausting...

I had some of the stages of grief, but the biggest way I dealt with it, was to dive in head first, grasp the idea and make it part of me...  that was the only way I knew how to "deal" with it... Jason was never a "man's man"  and its plainly obvious shes more happy as female, a LOT more.. I just couldn't take that away from her.... besides, I loved the person, and I didn't want to let her go... so live like a lesbian is better then not having them at all... This is easier for me becuse I never had any hugely rigid 'straight' sexual identity... But I wouldn't have classified myself as "bi" before then either....

but dispite everything... I'm thankful she told me... and EARLY too... we'd only been together a few years... It would have been a LOT worse if she didn't tell me for 5, 10, 20+ years... now at least we have a leg up, and time is your friend with this stuff...

[Peggiann]

Yes I find it very frustrating to do this flip thing to. In private I can speak of it and out shopping we look for cloths and such but around here and with all our family I have to watch it. I'm such an honest person I feel like I'm being deceitful to those I love by knowing and not sharing with them something so important about someone they love so much too. At the same time I feel It's not my place to tell them. Oh I'll be there with Leah when she does and help answer what they ask of me, but at the same time It's her words and her emotion and her story they need to see inorder to understand the totality of it all.

We have a Grandbaby turning 1 year in another week and a birthday party is planned. In these pictures Leah will not be Leah but rather Grandpa and Dad. It would be easier for this baby to have started off with Leah and not have to switch in a while down the road. Later looking back in photos there will be some explaining to do.

Peggiann

[Gill]

Hi Chaunte:

That uncertainty is normal.  I know years before Steph actually went forward she would say "what if..., what would you do".  At the time I would say outright - "I wouldn't stay"  And I meant it, but you know it was preparation of what was to come.  It made me think about the what if's....  For me it was all part of the game plan. 

I agree that Steph is a much better/kinder woman than when she was a him, but I still miss him.  I can't lie about that, I do miss him terribly at times.  But things move on, life moves on.  For me the hardest part is the moving on.  It would have been easier to deal with him if he had completely gone/died.  Transitioning is way more difficult to deal with.

All that said Chaunte, and I don't know the troubles you and are your spouse have experienced, but I can tell you, our marriage had its troubles (big troubles).  At times it was like walking on eggshells.   Since the transition, and the decision was made to go forward, things were more out in the open.  This made things easier to deal with, to talk with Steph about deep down concerns.    Now don't get me wrong here, not everything was hunky dory, we still had some major discussions (to be polite  )  But the key is that we still talked about it.  If you don't talk about it, if there is no communication then things get really tough, issues never get resolved.

I guess that's the main message. the lesson we've learned through all of this - If you don't talk about it, if there is no communication, then things get really tough and issues never get resolved.

Gill

[angelsgirl]

I also hate doing the "flip-flop" thing with my family and co-workers (most of my friends know).  I also thought that "Josh" was kind of a boring dude and I actually didn't fall for "Josh" until I knew it was really "Jocelyn" that I loved.  That, for me, was the easy part because I didn't have any dreams to lose yet, only dreams to make.  The most difficult part for me is deciding when to tell my family.  I've spoken with her about holding off on certain things so that when we get married (yeah, we discussed that already!) it can actually be a legal marriage instead of a "civil union".  But even that is tricky thing, because I hate asking her to put her quest of self on hold just for a legal title.  Secondly, I wasn't planning on telling my family until the deal is sealed so that they can't think that they'll talk me out of it.

[Alison]

  Secondly, I wasn't planning on telling my family until the deal is sealed so that they can't think that they'll talk me out of it.

I strongly advise against this.... they love you, they want to know.... i think in the end your family will be more upset that you hid from them....

[Peggiann]

I must agree with Alison's take on "Secondly, I wasn't planning on telling my family until the deal is sealed so that they can't think that they'll talk me out of it."

While reading posts here at Susan's you will notice that so many of them contain the mindset that honesty and not hidding things is the best way to go in a relationship. In my opinon no one should ever start a marriage with any excess baggage to carry along as an extra burden. There will be enough adjustments to go through with out these issues. Out of respect for your future spouse, and so that your parent and anyone else you have not shared this with can not say later that "you didn't come clean with them before because you were ashamed of this issue." This will hurt you and them even more later when they are trying to bond with your new spouse. If anything would it not give your spouse umteen notches up for clueing you and them in before the marriage? Use this opportunity to have them admire your future spouse's courage and charactor. It will go farther that way than hidding will. Sure there will be shock and probably the worry you have of not wanting to listen to them trying to change your mind, but if you are truely strong enough to have this relationship and marry then you are strong enough to take what ever they dish out trying to change your mind. Love will see you through.

Communicate...Communicate...Communicate with your folks and your future spouce. Let there be no chance for dark clouds to form over head because you didn't be up front before you marry.

Just my thoughts about it.

Smiles,
Peggiann