In spring of 2018 I started HRT (spiro and estradiol). Things were going well, but a series of personal issues arose (including the death of my father) that left me very stressed out and doubting whether transitioning was a rational choice given the turmoil in my life. So, stopped around July, I think.
In the months that followed, I suffered badly from gender dysphoria as I always have. The problem now was that I knew how much better I felt on HRT. For the couple of short months I was on it, my life was so much better. More energy, stable moods and emotions, etc. This made me depressed and angry because it felt at the time I just wasn't meant to transition. I nearly attempted suicide, and my emotions and moods became very unstable and dangerous at times.
In December of 2018, I decided that enough was enough. I had to accept that transitioning was the best and safest thing for me and my family. I refilled both prescriptions (which Walgreens still listed as active) and within hours of taking my first dose was feeling better than I had since July. I contact my LGBT clinic and met with my doctor and informed her of what I was up to. She was very glad to see me and grateful that I wanted to stay under medical supervision. She discovered that there was an error in my Spiro and Estradiol prescriptions, I was supposed to be taking each one twice a day and had only been taking them once per day.
Making the change from once per day to twice per day brought even more improvement in mental clarity and emotional stability. It also completely eradicated my male sexual functions (which for me is a VERY positive change). I still feel the same dysphoria regarding my anatomy, but at least that part of me doesn't do anything anymore besides simply occupying real estate like an unwanted squatter that I can't (yet) evict. One thing that I never realized prior to HRT was just how rigid the penis is even while flaccid while at a normal male testosterone level. Since doubling my HRT dosage to twice per day, things have become quite...floppy...down there. Smaller, but limp in a way that I never knew was possible. Although it is shrinking a bit, it flops about in an uncomfortable way and I am thinking about trying tighter underwear and tucking simply for the benefit of comfort.
Only being about a month into my re-entry into the HRT journey, there is no breast development. Toward the end of my previous HRT experience, I was experiencing a lot of soreness and tenderness in my breasts. So far, that has not recurred, but I expect it will. The weird thing is prior to this I didn't give breasts much of a thought. I figured if they developed and became noticeable, then great, if I never had much breast development, I was okay with that. For some reason, I now find myself really wanting breast development. I'm not sure why this change has happened, maybe because I wasn't fully committed to transitioning last time and now I am.
Since re-starting HRT I have lost 18 pounds. I don't attribute this to HRT. I was diagnosed in November with Eosinophilic Esophagitis, and was put on a heavily restricted diet (no dairy, wheat, eggs, seafood, soy, or nuts). It is astonishing how many foods have at least one of these ingredients. Things you would not even suspect. For example, I purchased some steam-in-bag pouches of brown rice and quinoa. I was halfway through eating the first bag when my wife read the ingrediets. It had soy lecithin added to it. Why does rice and quinoa need to have soy lecithen? I don't know. But this has become a common problem with nearly all packaged foods. Dang near everything has soy in it. Because it is so hard to find foods that I can eat, I have a very simple and consistent diet of things that are okay. Most meals are garbanzo beans, rice or rice noodles, some type of meat, and water or juice.
The thing that is really noticeable to my wife and family is the emotional and mood stabilization. Prior to doubling my HRT dosage to twice daily, I was very calm and stable throughout the day but started becoming a bit crabby toward the evening. It was still a big improvement over my non-HRT. After switching to twice per day I am stable throughout the day and evening. The level of calm I feel is slowly becoming my new "normal" but I am still shocked at times at how calm I feel. The old baseline level of agitation, anger, and depression is pretty much gone. I can still get angry or depressed about things, but whereas on a scale of 1-10 my baseline level of anger and depression was around 8 I would say I am now around like 2 or 3. And when I do feel angry or sad about something, the feelings don't escalate quickly like they used to.
