Hi, I'm Zoey and recently came out MtF. Like many of the stories I have read, there has always been part of me that knew I was a little different and more feminine than other men, it just took a long time to accept this.
My memories are full of signs - playing with the girls when I was under 10 years; dressing in my mom's panties, pantyhose, and bras when I was a teenager; preferring to be with and around women; attraction to more feminine clothes; fantasizing about being a woman; and some destructive behaviours as well, particularly a porn addiction that started with heterosexual images, to just women, to transgender (interestingly enough, since coming out the need to consume porn has disappeared!). I also never really understood men and the macho world we (they) have to live in.
I have managed general anxiety most of my life, seeking psychoanalytic treatment, CBT, using medications, and critical self-reflection through examining eastern religions, specifically Buddhism. One of my therapists diagnosed me with dysphoria and, at the time, I didn't clearly understand what he was saying. I left this therapist because I didn't think the treatment was really working (I told him I felt better), told my father, who is a psychiatrist trained as a psychoanalyst and he commented that the doctor probably told me I was struggling with being a "little girl".
Coming out has been a relief and I think my gender dysphoria was a strong contributor to my mental health issues. I have been asked often "why now" (I'm in my 50s). I lost my executive job in April 2018 and while this was difficult, I was angry, I also recognize that I was holding immense stress with this position. Losing my job allowed me time to decompress and allow the buried feelings to surface, allowing me the opportunity to understand who I am privately and professionally. I began to see signs around me that told me it is okay to accept being more feminine, to identify as a woman. I was more aware of stories about TG people, watching Lisa Ling's (CNN) documentary on gender fluidity, connecting with Freedy Mercury's story, a story about accepting who you are, in his case a gay man, from the film Bohemian Rhapsody. I was learning it is okay to accept who you are, in fact, it is so important to a positive life
I came out first to a friend of mine who works in the LGBTQ+ community. I knew he would understand my story and would provide a safe place to share my experience and feelings. I told my father who confirmed he saw this in me my entire life. I told my wife who told me she already knew for decades, well she thought I was gay, and was happy for me that I was accepting this part of me. I told my brother who doesn't understand what I am experience but loves me and will support me. I have told many some friends and colleagues who were supportive and happy for me.
I have loved shopping for new clothes and realized the selection of women's clothes is endless and why it takes so long to choose anything. I also don't understand why men are stuck with black, blue, grey, tan, and green as their only colour choice ... poor men!
I feel proper being tucked and having a flat groin area, its natural.
But, there are downsides to my acceptance. I haven't told my daughter who is 15 and my 20-year-old son. I am afraid how they will react. My marriage has been rocky for probably a decade and coming out was a way for my wife to accelerate our separation and eventual divorce. I have hurt my wife and realize now she is going through a difficult process as well. She told me she didn't agree to live with a "woman" even though she is genuinely happy for me and being good friends, co-parents to our children was not enough for her; she needs something I can't provide her.
I'm okay with all of this and I'm scared for the future. I realize both us will be released from our stressful marriage and each of us will be able to flourish in our own ways. What is most important to both of us is ensuring our children can work through this all of this change, supporting them, answering their questions, and providing opportunities to seek support. Our combined duty is to protect them.
I have also started seeing a gender therapist. I don't know where my acceptance will take me. HRT? GRS? What I do know is I want to be free to express me as me, as a woman in my own way. This is a process, a process of understanding that requires small steps and focusing on today and tomorrow, not weeks, months, or years ahead. I expect to experience discrimination and harassment for the first time in my life. I know some people won't accept my decision or just won't understand. I can't control what people think and I can only control my own behaviours and actions.
Dressing up in a feminine and tasteful outfit for a Xmas party with a non-profit board on which I serve was a wonderful experience. I told my colleagues I came out MtF. They told me I am more approachable and seem at ease with myself; I have found new friends that were always around me but now they clearly see me and I clearly see them.
My story is not unusual.
My story is about self-acceptance and living a life as my true self.
I am looking forward to this new phase in my life, to the highs and lows that I will experience.
Thank you for reading my story. I am grateful for a community like Susan's Place to share experiences, for a safe place to be me.
Zoey
