Dee's Slow Journey Into Transgender Womanhood

[dee82]

In this thread I am going to chronicle my journey of discovering my identity as a transgender woman. I want to share this because I think it may help others who don't have strong childhood experiences of knowing they were the opposite gender, or had overt behaviours that suggested their transgender identity.

I am not going to post the entire story in one go, but will add more parts as I have the time. I am not the best typist, so this is not a flowing narrative, more like a series of micro vignettes that capture feelings, or moments in time.

PART I

As chance would have it, I was born with a male body and raised as a boy. Quite content with the boy toys I was given, and had no problem with wearing boys clothes. Although, my mum did sometimes dress me in white sandals in my preschool and kindergarten years. I thought they were a bit "girly" and used to complain about them, but at age 5 I didn't have much choice and wore them without a fuss.

Throughout primary school a lot of family effort was made to get me involved in "boys" activities like cubs/scouts and team sports like football. (Which means Rugby here.) But I would always push back and refuse. At school I was always intrigued by the games the girls would play, like elastics and knuckles.

My sister had the coolest toys with dolls house ovens and the like, but I was quite content with my toy cars (Matchbox and Hot Wheels) and increasingly Space oriented toys. I fitted in as best as I could with a very small group of "nerdy" boys, but didn't have good friends. I always felt separate from the other boys and never had a close mate.

High school comes around and increased knowledge of sex. All second or third hand stories with no experience. School is pretty painful socially, but I remember there was a boy who socialised with the girls at lunch time. Behind his back, the boys I hung with (a pretty awful bunch, but they accepted me as someone who could be at the bottom of their pecking order) said "Oh, he must be gay!" They didn't use that word, but one I won't repeat here.

Despite the way they talked about him, I always felt jealous of his time at school. He did what I wanted to do. His friends were girls and he was accepted by them. Lucky guy.

In high school I discovered the music and songs of David Bowie. I was introduced to his older tracks via a Greatest Hits compilation album I bought sometime in the late seventies.

David Bowie - Rebel Rebel

Rebel Rebel, you've torn your dress
Rebel Rebel, your face is a mess
Rebel Rebel, how could they know?
Hot tramp, I love you so!

You've got your mother in a whirl 'cause she's
Not sure if you're a boy or a girl
Hey babe, your hair's alright
Hey babe, let's stay out tonight

David Bowie was my first exposure to the term "gender bender". I knew my mum didn't like him because of that, but I was fascinated.

You've got your mother in a whirl 'cause she's
Not sure if you're a boy or a girl

Those words stuck in my head and were part of my weekly thoughts while at high school. But I had no concept of transgender or transexualism. This is pre-internet and information resources were few and far between. I grew up in a family that had hardly any books and no encyclopedias. I knew something about me was different, but it never occurred to me that I was, or could be, a girl.

To Be Continued...



~Dee.

[Anne Blake]

Hi Dee,

Thank you for starting your thread. Other than not being a David Bowie fan, you could be telling my story. I can't count the number of times that I have said, "I knew something about me was different, but it never occurred to me that I was, or could be, a girl."

I look forward to following your journey as you tell your tale.

Tia Anne

[KathyLauren]

I agree, Dee, your story sure sounds familiar! 

Well, all except the "increased knowledge of sex" part in high school.  I was kept in the dark about that subject, and the kids at schools were all like, "Well if you don't know, I'm not going to tell you."  The situation got corrected eventually, but it threw a giant monkey wrench into my attempts to understand myself and why I wasn't "normal".

[Lisa89125]

Dee, Your story sure sounds awfully familiar!

Lisa

[Northern Star Girl]

@dee82
Dear Dee:
Thank you from all of us for starting your personal transition thread.  What you have described in your very first post on your new thread are things that most of us here can readily identify with.   Please know that you are not alone with the your feelings and experiences that you wrote about.... hopefully that fact will provide some solace to you to help you get through your rough times.

It is so very important to have one place that you can chronicle your journey.   You can share your high points and happy moments and we will rejoice with you, and you can also share your low and disappointing moments and we will always have an ear available to listen and a shoulder to lean on.
Please know that we are your biggest fans and we will always be rooting for your success.

In addition to your personal transition thread I would like to suggest that you keep a personal journal of your own for more private stuff.  I personally maintain an old-school pen & paper journal complete with colorful doodling and perhaps some photos as well.
I believe it is good therapy to write out positive and negative feelings and happenings that we go through.  Reviewing the journal at a later time allows us to postulate possible positive actions to help resolve our difficult times.

Many times on a cold and rainy night I will curly up in my comfy chair in front of my fireplace and do some reading and soul searching in my journal....  again, terrific personal therapy for sure.

Again Dee, thank you for sharing your thoughts with us.  I will be eagerly looking forward to reading your future update postings on this thread and other threads that you post on.   Please post and share only as you feel comfortable doing.

Hugs and well wishes as always,
Danielle

[Karen]

Hi Dee.   Thanks for sharing. 

Very similar story to mine.   

Karen

[Linde]

Dee, the beginning of your storry could have been mine, too.  But once puberty rolled around, i did not only feel that i was different, everybody could see and hear it.  My voice got a little lower when I was 15 or 16 years old, but I did not develop any of the other typical characteristics that separate boys from girls.  I stayed a kid (now I know that  never really went through full puberty).
Starting with puberty (or the time my peers went through it), my storry will be entirely different from yours.

[HappyMoni]

"At school I was always intrigued by the games the girls would play, like elastics and knuckles."

Could you fill in this dumb American? After all, I might want to play.

[randim]

Thanks for sharing your story Dee.  I think most people here (and most LGBT people in general) can relate to that feeling of being different.

[dee82]

Thank you everyone for the encouraging comments!

"At school I was always intrigued by the games the girls would play, like elastics and knuckles."

Could you fill in this dumb American? After all, I might want to play.

Moni, Knuckles is also called Jacks and Knucklebones. It's that game with 5 items, that you play sitting on the ground. It's all about different ways of throwing and picking up the items in particular combinations. Sometimes there is a ball you bounce while doing the moves.

When I was at school they were brightly coloured pieces of plastic that were shaped like the knuckle bone.

It all looked like a lot of fun and required skill. Girls would sit around in small circles and play it at recess and lunch time.

Elastics has the proper name of "Chinese jump rope". It was very popular with girls in Australia (and other countries I am sure) in the 1960's and 70's. A video is probably the best explanation.



There's nothing to say boys couldn't enjoy both of these, but certainly at my primary school they were exclusively for the girls, unless you were a brave soul ready and willing to be teased. (Which I wasn't.)

~Dee.