So, here's the thing. Making an analysis of my history in regards to my sexuality will drive you mad, I tell you. First there I was, forcing myself to be with a gender I wasn't attracted to for religious and societal reasons, then there I was giving up and accepting my own gender and going through a transition, which inevitably led my to the conclusion that I in fact like men, I'm heterosexual. Then, here I am, feeling quite confused thinking I might not be what you call "straight"
As some of you have read in my posts, I had this female friend with whom I had such a deep friendship that it very easily crossed the border of friendship itself. When I met'er, she instantly made feel confused because she was totally attracted to me, we bonded in mere seconds and at the end of that day(I met her at a new job) I felt that she wanted to kiss me but didn't because we were in a public place. We went to develop a very deep friendship, we had sex on several occasions usually involving a man with us. But we kissed, I gave oral to her, well, you get the picture. Unfortunately, I no longer have contact with her because of her crazy, freak evangelic parents who hate me to death.
All this kept me thinking about it all. I mean, it is true that the kind of bond you can have with another girl is something incredible! And...a man will never be able to give you that. On the other side, a woman shall never be able to provide you with the delights of being with a man, so there you go. I think it's like apples and oranges, different but both are enjoyable. Now, girls, add to that the fact that despite me being crazy about men, my heterosexual sexuality has been a complete disaster. I live in Brazil, in here we have a lot of religious freaks, which makes life for us so much more difficult. Doesn't matter what I try, any attempt to date a man will fail upon me telling him about my little piece of hell which will soon go to hell. So you see, I become quite a love and affection starved person because of this problem, which is why I think I got myself thinking about the possibility that I might like girls as well, after all, my old friend there gave me exactly what I crave so much: love and affection.
But here's the problem with this whole thing. When it comes to men, I'm normally attracted to them like any other girl. Unless he's actually very, very ugly, I'd make out with him, you know what I'm trying to say? Now when it comes to girls, for me to actually even so much as give it the mere though of a possibility of imagining anything sexual is, well, rare. It's just very rare. It has to be quite a very specific type, I don't know, dark skinned but not completely dark, a particular type of face, et cetera. Like yesterday I met this girl at a party which inspired such feelings, the second after my old friend. Otherwise, I will see a woman and feel no attraction whatsoever. Nada. Niente. Nothing at all.
At any rate, I don't think it matters at this point in my life because the same limitation I have with men, I'll obviously have with women as well and it I think it gets even worse. My old friend was an exception. What do you guys think about all this? I guess I'll let it cooking for until after the recovery of my SRS surgery.
Thanks for reading!
