Yay! I look like a woman! But I still don't think I'm a woman...

[Angela H]

Hi there everyone,

I'm looking for some advice and maybe some wisdom from those of you who have gone further than me on the road of transition. I'm feeling restless and it's hard to tell if this is something I should just ignore or if I need to untangle my feelings here before they get worse. Let me start at the beginning...

When I first went to see my therapist I told her that I wanted to be a woman desperately and that I had wanted it since as early as I could remember, but that I didn't think I was a woman and didn't think I could ever be one. She told me that a major goal of our therapy would be for me to realize that wanting to be a woman meant that I already was one. To be honest, I didn't believe her at all, but I kept going to therapy because I loved being told that I was a woman ( ).

I went ahead with my plans for HRT thinking that I would follow a "fake it til you make it" strategy and that I'd probably start feeling like a woman at some point after I started looking like one. I worried a lot about passing, in large part because I felt (and still feel) that I wouldn't actually be a woman until I passed as one. I loved the way the hormones made me feel, and I felt like I could put up with not passing since I was only in a temporary awkward phase.

Well, time went by and I got better at passing. I mostly stopped getting funny looks, and even though I would sometimes get misgendered I would also sometimes have people tell me they hadn't realized that I was trans until I told them. I still only felt like a woman when I was getting validation from other people, and I noticed that it was taking more and more for me to feel good about things (at first just being called "she" really brightened my day, then later it became routine). I assumed I wasn't passing well enough yet and I needed to be more patient...

And then, well, I downloaded that app that can show what you'd look like as the opposite gender and tried it out. I took a picture and told it to make it more feminine. I cried a lot looking at the photo. I showed my mom and she asked me why I was crying. "Because," I said, "that could be me. She's so beautiful!" My mom said I pretty much looked like the photo already and I was like, "Whatever, mom. You don't get it." (yeah, I know I'm childish  )

Then just last week I was on the way to a Christmas party and I wanted more pictures for the app so I took some selfies and... well... I feel like I must have passed some kind of threshold because I look like a girl in the pictures!

Here's one:



Okay, I'm wearing makeup and it's from the front, etc, etc. And maybe it's not fully, one hundred percent passable, but it passes for me. I passed for myself! For real, and not in a "well, you're beautiful on the inside" kind of way either. I think this really is a first for me. I didn't realize how good it would feel when it finally happened, it's kind of magical. It really made me feel good and I'm so, so happy that it did happen. Except...

Except I'm still getting misgendered. And I'm still practically overwhelmed with doubts about my ability to 'perform' womanhood ("how to sit, how to stand, how to talk, etc"). And I don't think I think of myself as being a woman. When I'm out interacting with the world I kind of see myself as someone who's not a woman, but looks like one and mostly get's treated like one by the people she meets. I want to see myself as a woman, but it's just not happening.

Today, I played a little game with myself where I'd narrate everything I did in third person so I could gender myself ("now she's typing on the computer, now she's getting a snack... etc"). And it felt amazing. Why would it feel so good if I already thought of myself as being a woman? Is it healthy to need this constant reinforcement of my gender identity?

So what do you ladies think? I'm pretty sure that regardless of anything else transitioning is right for me because it fulfills me in a way that nothing else in life ever has, but I'm worried that focusing on passing has let me ignore issues with my gender identity that I should be addressing. Do you think if I passed better for myself I would have an easier time seeing myself as a woman? Is this feeling of doubting my gender identity normal? Has anyone here ever felt this way and what helped you feel better in that situation?

edit: I changed the title and added this last paragraph so my question is hopefully more clear.

My main question is this: Will I have an easier time seeing myself as a woman if I pass better? Will it get easier with time? Or is this something I need to think about and work my way through? What do you think?

[Devlyn]

I don't identify as a woman, but I choose to present as one. I'm somewhere in the middle ground between
male and female. I wanted feminization of my body go with that presentation. I'm aware that isn't in line
with how a MTF transsexual (where you posted) thinks, so I hope my advice is welcome here. If not, feel
free to disregard it. 

Hugs, Devlyn

[AnonyMs]

I've no idea anymore what it means to be male or female, and I don't really care except out of intellectual curiosity. I know what makes me happy, and nothing else really matters.

[KathyLauren]

What does it even mean to "feel like a woman"?  Or to "feel like a man"?  It is not something that can be described, any more than you can describe a colour.

Every single person on the planet, all 7.5 billion of us, feels like "me"!  Ask any person what it feels like to be a man or a woman, respectively, and they will describe their version of "me".  They can't compare it to anything else, because they have not experienced anything else.  Perhaps a gender-fluid person can describe the difference between their male days and their female days, but no one who experiences gender as binary can.

Even those of us who transition our exterior and our social circumstances do not experience different genders.  We trans women were born as woman.  We have known what it was like to pretend to be male, but we do not know what it was like to be male because we have never been male.

Internally, you have always been a woman.  That does not change when you transition your exterior, so there is no change to feel.  Expecting to feel a change will be disappointing, because our gender doesn't change.  "Like a woman" is how you already feel.

I am two years on HRT and 20 months full-time.  I don't feel any different from how I felt before my transition.  I am still the same me that I always was, and that is a big comfort (and irritation, no doubt  ) to my wife.  What is different is that I now feel more authentic as myself.  This is the real me, not the fake put-on that I played for everyone else.

[Angela H]

I don't identify as a woman, but I choose to present as one. I'm somewhere in the middle ground between
male and female. I wanted feminization of my body go with that presentation. I'm aware that isn't in line
with how a MTF transsexual (where you posted) thinks, so I hope my advice is welcome here. If not, feel
free to disregard it. 

Hugs, Devlyn

Your advice is always welcome Devlyn! I love hearing your thoughts. 

What does it even mean to "feel like a woman"?  Or to "feel like a man"?  It is not something that can be described, any more than you can describe a colour.

Every single person on the planet, all 7.5 billion of us, feels like "me"!  Ask any person what it feels like to be a man or a woman, respectively, and they will describe their version of "me".  They can't compare it to anything else, because they have not experienced anything else.  Perhaps a gender-fluid person can describe the difference between their male days and their female days, but no one who experiences gender as binary can.

Even those of us who transition our exterior and our social circumstances do not experience different genders.  We trans women were born as woman.  We have known what it was like to pretend to be male, but we do not know what it was like to be male because we have never been male.

Internally, you have always been a woman.  That does not change when you transition your exterior, so there is no change to feel.  Expecting to feel a change will be disappointing, because our gender doesn't change.  "Like a woman" is how you already feel.

I am two years on HRT and 20 months full-time.  I don't feel any different from how I felt before my transition.  I am still the same me that I always was, and that is a big comfort (and irritation, no doubt  ) to my wife.  What is different is that I now feel more authentic as myself.  This is the real me, not the fake put-on that I played for everyone else.

Thanks Kathy, this is very insightful and it does help me a little.

The question I wanted to ask in my initial post is one that is hard for me to properly articulate, sometimes I feel very frustrated with my ability to communicate. Let me try again.

There's a difference between how we perceive ourselves and our own innate sense of gender. I can recognize (because transitioning has been so helpful) that I'm definitely a woman on the inside, but I have trouble perceiving myself as a woman. I don't really believe that I'm a woman on the inside or the outside and I'm not sure if I'm moving towards this belief or not.

So when I say that I don't feel like a woman, I'm saying that I'm not getting that sense of myself as a woman that I would have expected to have if I started passing. I feel like I'm just faking it, and I kind of hate it.

It sounds like you're saying that this feeling is not something that happens so I probably need to start thinking through my problems some more, does that sound right?

Thanks for responding Kathy, I always love to hear what you have to say. 

[Allison S]

Yeah, I know what you're saying. I think I get dysphoria that makes me think I look like a man. Also being called out or ridiculed doesn't help either. Sometimes I wonder if being a trans woman won't be enough either.
What it sounds like you're asking to me is if you'll be satisfied with being a trans woman once you pass? No one can answer that for you.
I think even cis women need affirmations in their daily lives. At least for their femininity they do, I think. That's why they have other female friends and some women are more interested and seek out masculine/macho partners. I'm not saying they question their gender or femininity because I really don't know. I just know that estrogen makes me want attention to be honest. 1

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[KathyLauren]

So when I say that I don't feel like a woman, I'm saying that I'm not getting that sense of myself as a woman that I would have expected to have if I started passing. I feel like I'm just faking it, and I kind of hate it.

It sounds like you're saying that this feeling is not something that happens so I probably need to start thinking through my problems some more, does that sound right?

It sounds like you are not feeling validated as a woman, and that your confidence right now needs some external validation.  Am I close?

I think all of us pass through that phase at some point in our transition.  External validation depends on a lot of things, many of which are not in our control.   It depends on how much and how quickly your body responds to HRT.  It depends, too, on the society in which we live.  If you live surrounded by rednecks looking for someone to hate, validation will be harder to obtain than if you live in a place where people are accepting and polite. 

All we can do is to work on our presentation, including voice, movement, dress and makeup, to improve our chances of being validated by others.  And, perhaps, work on how much of our self-worth depends on externalities and how much comes from within.

[April_TO]

It starts with our thoughts and belief. I was listening to Marisa Peers this morning and all of our perceptions of who we are starts with two things: The picture we hold in our heads and the things we say to ourselves.

Change that picture in your head and the things you say to yourself then your perception changes. It sounds simple but a lot of people struggle to do that. Because we are hard wired to think of what's familiar even if it's hurting us.

Hope this helps.

[Johnni Gyrl]

Well Angela, we all have our doubts and worries about looking the part, acting the part and being the part. I would say the bottom line is - if you feel like a woman on the inside, the outside changes will naturally follow through in time.

[JudiBlueEyes]

My main question is this: Will I have an easier time seeing myself as a woman if I pass better? Will it get easier with time? Or is this something I need to think about and work my way through? What do you think?

Well, I think the answer is maybe.  It certainly does get easier as time goes on but I think you may be overthinking the situation.  The goal (as I see it) is not to feel like a woman, but to feel like me (or yourself).  Ask any of your friends or family how they feel.  They will say they feel like themselves.  Cis-gender people don't think about their gender, their womanhood or manhood.  Take it easy on yourself.  I think your mother is correct, as she knows you well and has a vested interest in you. 

I don't worry about feeling like a woman, although I do work at looking like and presenting as a woman.  This is what others see and I want to be accepted as such.  How I feel is a separate issue.  I too used to be concerned but then I moderated as I became comfortable in my own skin.  I am me, a unique person. You are unique too.  Cherish this.

[Angela H]

Yeah, I know what you're saying. I think I get dysphoria that makes me think I look like a man. Also being called out or ridiculed doesn't help either. Sometimes I wonder if being a trans woman won't be enough either.
What it sounds like you're asking to me is if you'll be satisfied with being a trans woman once you pass? No one can answer that for you.
I think even cis women need affirmations in their daily lives. At least for their femininity they do, I think. That's why they have other female friends and some women are more interested and seek out masculine/macho partners. I'm not saying they question their gender or femininity because I really don't know. I just know that estrogen makes me want attention to be honest. 1

Sent from my VS501 using Tapatalk

I'll be satisfied, it just depends on how I get there. I'm really just kind of wondering if I'm making a big deal out of nothing or if I could be happier with the right mindset. 

It sounds like you are not feeling validated as a woman, and that your confidence right now needs some external validation.  Am I close?

I think all of us pass through that phase at some point in our transition.  External validation depends on a lot of things, many of which are not in our control.   It depends on how much and how quickly your body responds to HRT.  It depends, too, on the society in which we live.  If you live surrounded by rednecks looking for someone to hate, validation will be harder to obtain than if you live in a place where people are accepting and polite. 

All we can do is to work on our presentation, including voice, movement, dress and makeup, to improve our chances of being validated by others.  And, perhaps, work on how much of our self-worth depends on externalities and how much comes from within.

This hits very close to the mark. I feel like I look like a woman, but I still get misgendered a lot. Why? My sister says it's because they know I'm trans. So, even if I pass, they still think of me as being a man deep down inside. I couldn't get my sister to give me a straight answer when I ask her if she sees me as a woman. She just evades the question.

It starts with our thoughts and belief. I was listening to Marisa Peers this morning and all of our perceptions of who we are starts with two things: The picture we hold in our heads and the things we say to ourselves.

Change that picture in your head and the things you say to yourself then your perception changes. It sounds simple but a lot of people struggle to do that. Because we are hard wired to think of what's familiar even if it's hurting us.

Hope this helps.

I'm going to try this; thanks for the advice!

Well, I think the answer is maybe.  It certainly does get easier as time goes on but I think you may be overthinking the situation.  The goal (as I see it) is not to feel like a woman, but to feel like me (or yourself).  Ask any of your friends or family how they feel.  They will say they feel like themselves.  Cis-gender people don't think about their gender, their womanhood or manhood.  Take it easy on yourself.  I think your mother is correct, as she knows you well and has a vested interest in you. 

I don't worry about feeling like a woman, although I do work at looking like and presenting as a woman.  This is what others see and I want to be accepted as such.  How I feel is a separate issue.  I too used to be concerned but then I moderated as I became comfortable in my own skin.  I am me, a unique person. You are unique too.  Cherish this.

Thank you, I appreciate the feedback. I've gotten a lot of insightful answers today.

[HappyMoni]

Hi Angela,
   I honestly think you are okay. I hope you will be able to relax with the process as there is nothing wrong with how you feel at this point. Why do I say this? Well, I have used an analogy on here in the past and maybe it might help. Suppose you start a new job. It is a job you never have done before but you really are emotionally invested in as being a part of who you are. Let's pick Firewoman as an example. In your head, you see yourself as a Fire Woman, you have dreamed of being a Fire Woman. You are hired, you put on your gear on your first day. You look like a Fire Woman, in your head you think of yourself as a Fire Woman, but on that first day, you don't feel like you have the right to call yourself that. You haven't gone on fire calls, you haven't lived it day to day, you kind of feel like a pretender. And really, how could you get the feeling that the job and you are one until you experience it over a period of time. To apply it to your situation, you have been a "Fire Woman" for a few weeks. Just like a newbie in the fire department, maybe  you do something occasionally that lets someone know that you are new to the job (misgendering in your case.) It means nothing in the long run. Don't doubt yourself.
   Please don't think there is something wrong with you. You will feel like you are a woman a little at a time with each experience under your belt. Your improved presentation helps, sure, but if you looked like Pamela Anderson in her prime, it would not bring you what experience will. I am full time 2 1/2 years now. I am at  such a different place than a year ago, 6 months ago even. I feel like a woman more and more. There are still hills to climb despite having gotten over the mountains (of transition.)  It is certainly enough time to know that what I am telling you is true. You can proclaim womanhood and that is a correct statement. Feeling womanhood (for most people) involves just living it.
With warmth,
Moni

[GordonG]

Angela I would suggest as others have that you are overthinking this. We are all just trying to be our authentic selves. It appears from what you say that you're liking the progress so far. That is good, as long as you like it, it means that you're going in the right direction. Don't worry about what others think of you. You aren't here to impress anyone. Only to become who you really are. And I think you look great btw  .