questioning

[ann45]

a little history, I am 73 years old and still struggling with my Gender. I began hormones through my doctor about 6 months ago. I feel like I am on a rollercoaster, when I am on hormones I become worried that I don't have the strength to go through with a transition and that maybe I would be better off continuing to live as a male so I stop hormones. But then the feelings of dysphoria return and I can't stand the idea of continuing in a male body so I go back on hormones. I have repeated this cycle several times and I am sure it can't be good for my general health. My therapist I think regrets approving my use of hormones and says that in her experience her trans patients have no doubts about their decision to transistion. I don't seem to be able to get myself off this fence and land on one side or the other. Am I alone in these feelings. I am in a good long term marriage and my wife accepts that I am trans but I am not sure it would survive if I transitioned. I have really good grown children who I think could handle my transistion but it would definitly add a real challenge to their lives.I welcome any advice

[Ayla]

Ann
You are in a tricky position but it may be similar to one which many of us have wrestled with.  First, only you can determine what is best for you.  Second, only you can set your course, write your story, and accept and express your truth.
It is natural to have fears,  to question your feelings and to second guess your self.  As you are already working with a therapist you are already seeking expert help in enabling you to determine how best to live your life.
As someone who at 61, has spent more than 10 years on low dose and transition dose hrt I have had similar thoughts to you.  In my case I had a simple choice - did I want a life where I accepted and lived my truth or one in which I was somehow less than I could be.  Did I seek truth, uncertainty and euphoria or denial, dysphoria and a compromised life?
Finding the answer and deciding to transition was the most difficult thing I have ever done, even though my friends and therapist say that they have known for some time as to where I would head.
As I reflect on this somewhat tortuous and attenuated process, I am fairly certain that I was internally transphobic so self acceptance and self love took a while.  I am also clear that my desire to support, love and protect everyone in my life, rather than to nurture my self, also hindered my progress.  I decided to take my time to question my identity, seek multiple diagnoses and to find a safe space in which to transition.  This meant that I publicly  identified as non binary and presented as androgynous.. and this is ok.  In my case my journey is likely to be more important that than my ultimate destination.
So where am I?   Well, 3 weeks ago, my wife of 33 years asked for a divorce.  Strangely, after initial distress and hurt, I am good with this.  She said that she was holding me up, knew that she couldn't live with a trans partner, but as her best friend wanted me to be happy and to be a major part of her life.
My take away is this.  Be open and self loving.  You have one life and one truth.  Seek to find, love and to express this truth.  Don't stress over your age or the schedule.  This will take as long as it takes.  You are the author of your story, the hero of your quest. To have no regrets, to have found and to have lived your life purpose is important. A human incarnation is precious.  Don't waste it.
Ann, I hope this helps but ymmv and every one of us has a different life experience, find a different answer and must author our own life
Safe travels
Aisla

[DawnOday]

Being 67 myself, there are many things to consider. I overcome my fears by realizing for the first time in a long, long time I am not depressed. I have also made new friends and acquaintances. After a lifetime of hiding. Right now I still don't present all the time because I have a 35 year relationship to protect but I do get to go out a couple times a week with my support group and that seems to appease me most the time. I do wear my panties and bra under my clothes full time and that seems to be enough to ease the dysphoria. Being the age we are we have built up fears and some would say unwarranted but they have not walked in our shoes. Did you hear of Transgender people before the 90's? If not for computers and social networks I would remain clueless. Also, when I started going to therapy in the early 80's there were no gender therapists, so I got treated for stress. I have now attended seven Mindfulness seminars. The only thing that eliminated the stress was retiring. I hope you can rectify your dilemna to your satisfaction. Being fearful is debilitating. It had little effect on my job capability but it did affect my relationships with my co workers  Luckily, while I don't have "Carte Blanc" with my family I do have their support.

Hugs
Dawn

[Ryuichi13]

I haven't read anyone else's response, since I wanted to give you my true thoughts on the matter.

First and foremost, as long as YOU are happy, it really doesn't matter what everyone else thinks.  If transitioning will make you happy, then do it.  If it won't, then don't transition.  Sounds simple, but it can be a hard choice. 

A big reasons for me to transitioning was the fact that I didn't want to be buried as a female.  I want to go to my grave as the man I should have been born as.  That was one of many, many reasons for me to transition.  My kid is grown and accepts my transitioning, and my grandchildren are young enough to start calling me Grampy with no problems.   

Maybe you should consider low dose HRT whenever you start to feel doubtful.  That way you're not doing the yo-yo transitioning, you're simply slowing it down to give yourself time to think.  Talk to your endocrinologist doctor about doing so. 

There is no "law" that says you "must have surgery" either.  You can stop wherever you want in your transition, or do whatever you want, after all, its your body.  Not all transgender people choose to physically transition either.  Some simply wear the clothes they want, do their hair the way they want, choose their name and preferred pronouns and go on with their lives.   

Only you know what would be best for you.  Do what makes you happy.

Good luck.     

Ryuichi

[KathyLauren]

My therapist I think regrets approving my use of hormones and says that in her experience her trans patients have no doubts about their decision to transistion.

That is a surprising attitude for a therapist.  Reading the posts of members here, it is clear that most trans people have doubts.  Your therapist should know that, and should be helping you to work through them.

Whether and how much to transition is, of course, entirely your decision.  Taking into account your family situation, do whatever will make you happy.  Yes, you can do it, if that is what you want.  I started transitioning at age 62, and there are plenty of others of us in the over-60 club, so you are not alone.

Like Ryuichi, I looked ahead at how my remaining years would be, and I didn't want to live them as male.   I knew by that time, that the dysphoria would never go away, and that it would get progressively worse.  So I could see that my life would become a spiral of depression if I didn't do something.  I didn't want to lie on my deathbed and regret not having transitioned.  That, to me, would have been the ultimate horror.

I am not saying that that is how you "should" think.  I am just decribing a thought process that helped me to deal with the doubts.

[KathyLauren]

Ann, I see that, although you have been a member of Susan's Place for a long time, you have never been officially welcomed.  So please allow me to belatedly welcome you!

Please feel free to stop by the Introductions forum to tell the members about yourself.  Here is some information that we like to share with new members:

Things that you should read

Site Terms of Service & Rules to Live By	Standard Terms & Definitions	Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar)
Reputation rules	Cautionary Note	Photo, avatars, & signature images policy

[Dena]

What your describing has happened to other on the site though not recently. For some of us HRT can suppress the dysphoria enough that we feel we are cured. We then quit HRT and the dysphoria returns. Others like you go through this cycle several times before they realize they need to remain on HRT to control the dysphoria. Most transition however we have members who don't but remain on HRT to suppress the dysphoria. I am not saying the following links are your solution but I am offering them as an alternative view to the normal transition that takes place on the site.

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,130268.0.html
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,209589.0.html
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,207785.0.html

[Kirsteneklund7]

a little history, I am 73 years old and still struggling with my Gender. I began hormones through my doctor about 6 months ago. I feel like I am on a rollercoaster, when I am on hormones I become worried that I don't have the strength to go through with a transition and that maybe I would be better off continuing to live as a male so I stop hormones. But then the feelings of dysphoria return and I can't stand the idea of continuing in a male body so I go back on hormones. I have repeated this cycle several times and I am sure it can't be good for my general health. My therapist I think regrets approving my use of hormones and says that in her experience her trans patients have no doubts about their decision to transistion. I don't seem to be able to get myself off this fence and land on one side or the other. Am I alone in these feelings. I am in a good long term marriage and my wife accepts that I am trans but I am not sure it would survive if I transitioned. I have really good grown children who I think could handle my transistion but it would definitly add a real challenge to their lives.I welcome any advice

Hi Ann45,
                 HRT is one way to treat dysphoria, transitioning is another. HRT does not force you to transition. Just be a feminine as you want to.

I personally run on full dose HRT for mental relief and I still havent transitioned after a couple of years.

HRT alone can be a solution.

Hope this helps,
                            kind regards, Kirsten.

Sent from my SM-G930F using Tapatalk

[ann45]

I want to thank everyone for the good advice. I am on low dose hormones and that seems to be working for me. I feel like I am living with a foot in each door, somewhere between male and female. Maybe at some point I will move off that null but for now it seems to be where I am most comfortable. Thanks again, I will keep in touch.

[GordonG]

What your describing has happened to other on the site though not recently. For some of us HRT can suppress the dysphoria enough that we feel we are cured. We then quit HRT and the dysphoria returns. Others like you go through this cycle several times before they realize they need to remain on HRT to control the dysphoria. Most transition however we have members who don't but remain on HRT to suppress the dysphoria. I am not saying the following links are your solution but I am offering them as an alternative view to the normal transition that takes place on the site.

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,130268.0.html
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,209589.0.html
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,207785.0.html

Those are good ones. I know I read those before I decided to go the low E route.

[Linde]

a little history, I am 73 years old and still struggling with my Gender. I began hormones through my doctor about 6 months ago. I feel like I am on a rollercoaster, when I am on hormones I become worried that I don't have the strength to go through with a transition and that maybe I would be better off continuing to live as a male so I stop hormones. But then the feelings of dysphoria return and I can't stand the idea of continuing in a male body so I go back on hormones. I have repeated this cycle several times and I am sure it can't be good for my general health. My therapist I think regrets approving my use of hormones and says that in her experience her trans patients have no doubts about their decision to transistion. I don't seem to be able to get myself off this fence and land on one side or the other. Am I alone in these feelings. I am in a good long term marriage and my wife accepts that I am trans but I am not sure it would survive if I transitioned. I have really good grown children who I think could handle my transistion but it would definitly add a real challenge to their lives.I welcome any advice

You are nothing than a youngster!  I am 75 heading pretty quick toward 76, and I am transitioning, and am having a ball with it!
You, like I have nothing to loose, but everything to win - our real self!  I have a 35 years old son, and when I came out to him, he was all excited and set up an appointment with the therapist to find out, how he could help me!

I have to say that this whole journey made me feel way younger and more energized.  I am taking way better care of my health and my body now, (going several times a week to the gym, and being very active), and I seem to be in a way better shape than many much younger persons!  I want to live for a very long time, to be able to enjoy the new me for as long as possible.  But one thing is sure, if I have to throw in the towel, I want to do this as a woman!

I wish you good luck and the strength to walk the path you need to walk to be happy again!

Hugs
Linde

[pamelatransuk]

Hello Ann

I lived with the trans problem and GD for decades and only took action when the situation became so dominant that I could no longer suppress. I started therapy in 2017 aged 62 followed by HRT since Feb 8th.

At the start I was technically "exploring" but soon felt a sense of peace. After 3 months I knew I was on "the right fuel". I had fears earlier but HRT has given me confidence and motivation. I shall publicly transition in 2019.

My advice is stick with HRT and consider increase in dosage if and when you and your doctor deem it appropriate.

Hugs

Pamela

[Zoey421]

Ann
You are in a tricky position but it may be similar to one which many of us have wrestled with.  First, only you can determine what is best for you.  Second, only you can set your course, write your story, and accept and express your truth.
It is natural to have fears,  to question your feelings and to second guess your self.  As you are already working with a therapist you are already seeking expert help in enabling you to determine how best to live your life.
As someone who at 61, has spent more than 10 years on low dose and transition dose hrt I have had similar thoughts to you.  In my case I had a simple choice - did I want a life where I accepted and lived my truth or one in which I was somehow less than I could be.  Did I seek truth, uncertainty and euphoria or denial, dysphoria and a compromised life?
Finding the answer and deciding to transition was the most difficult thing I have ever done, even though my friends and therapist say that they have known for some time as to where I would head.
As I reflect on this so what tortuous and attenuated process, I am fairly certain that I was internally transphobic so self acceptance and self love took a while.  I am also clear that my desire to support, love and protect everyone in my life, rather than to nurture my self, also hindered my progress.  I decided to take my time to question my identity, seek multiple diagnoses and to find a safe space in which to transition.  This meant that I publicly  identified as non binary and presented as androgynous.. and this is ok.  In my case my journey is likely to be more important that than my ultimate destination.
So where am I?   Well, 3 weeks ago, my wife of 33 years asked for a divorce.  Strangely, after initial distress and hurt, I am good with this.  She said that she was holding me up, knew that she couldn't live with a trans partner, but as her best friend wanted me to be happy and to be a major part of her life.
My take away is this.  Be open and self loving.  You have one life and one truth.  Seek to find, love and to express this truth.  Don't stress over your age or the schedule.  This will take as long as it takes.  You are the author of your story, the hero of your quest. To have no regrets, to have found and to have lived your life purpose is important. A human incarnation is precious.  Don't waste it.
Ann, I hope this helps but ymmv and every one of us has a different life experience, find a different answer and must author our own life
Safe travels
Aisla

@aisla, I can completely relate to your story. My wife of 21 years had a similar reaction and we are divorcing too. I know this is best for both us and ultimately for the kids. She will be happier and hopefully find someone with whom she can share a life. I will be happier because I can live my life the way it is meant to be.

Control what you can. Believe in yourself. Trust the process.

Hugs Zoey.