Being bullied

[MelissaAnn]

Recently I had asked a question on my Facebook page, have you ever been bullied in your life? Being transgender doesn't give us the market on being bullied. But trans-person after trans-person has been bullied. Both before and in some cases worse after transitioning.
Being bullied for me started at a very young age. I remember one of my favorite Halloweens was back in 4th grade. My mom dressed me in a dress. I was thinking to myself how wonderful t felt wearing that dress. Going to school wearing that dress as it turned out was a complete nightmare. That was the day the bullying started for me.
Not only was there verbal taunting and bullying, Mine got physical pretty fast. At that age what it did to me was make very self-conscious. I felt there was no where to turn and everything I did was wrong. My home life wasn't much better either. My father wasn't the most pleasant person to be around say the least. As an alcoholic he very much seemed to enjoy inflecting verbal pain on me. My older brother, he was different. He was in the drug crowd. A big-time pot head, he was embarrassed by me. He was into hard rock and I liked Elvis, Neal Diamond, and Kenny Rodgers. We were worlds apart and he made sure every one of his friends knew it.
It was always okay for his friends to pick on me. To bully me. I remember this one time, one of his friends jabbing me in the chest with a baseball bat that was okay but as soon as I had enough, I had the bat out of his friends' hands and on I was on top of him ready to pommel him and let him know how it felt. Of course, I was wrong and my brother was mad at me.
In High School I was always the freak. I was never good enough and always one of the last picked for anything in gym class. People would walk by me a punch me. Shove me into the corners of the lockers. I was called every name in the book. I never knew wear it would come from. I became introverted, shy and withdrawn.
I never understood how so many people could take such joy inflecting so much pain on others. As an adult I do now understand it's more about the pain they feel and are trying to make themselves feel better by putting others down.
Of course, the bullying followed me into my adulthood and my working career too. I followed me all my life up until I tried committing suicide the last time. That's when I started working on myself and healing all the pain in my life. One by one I have faced all the bullying once again and I have worked hard to over come it all. Now that I have transitioned, I have come to a couple of realizations. Most of the people that had bullied me wont even remember me but I remember them. The bullying I face now for the most part comes from afar. For the most part no one knows I'm transgender when I'm outside of the building I live in. The pubic in general doesn't care and are to busy on their phones to even notice anyway. The ones who do care have most likely never even know that they have dealt with a transgender person. They just know about us from the extremist's point of view and not on real life.

[Northern Star Girl]

@MelissaAnn
I am so very sorry to hear of your experiences of being bullied.... and especially with your bother as one of the instigators it obviously made it quite mentally painful for you.

If it gives you any comfort at all, many, if not all people are bullied starting at very young ages.  Bullying is not a new thing, it has gone on through the ages... but now with instant news, political correctness and social media we are all more aware of it now than ever before.
   
I started wearing glasses when I was 4 years old and had to endure young childhood bullying because of that...
...all the standard name calling like 4-eyes... etc.
Then as a junior high and high schooler I was a small diminutive boy...  only 5' 3" or 5' 4" tall, skinny, no muscles, longish blonde hair, soft feminine face and a voice to match... both male and female classmates taunted me, and the boys locker room scene was absolutely brutal for me.   There were always the bullies around, ganging up, taunting me with their verbal assaults and also physically pushing and punching.
I was made fun of by both girls and boys for what seemed like forever.

In college things got a little better, but there were still some adult themed bullying aimed at me.   Finally in my last few college years I pondered transitioning for a variety of reasons, but foremost because I had essentially a female body, mannerisms, and the emotions that matched....  then after I graduated I started down that road... and here I am today.   

The big gauntlets to get through were of course with my family, friends and co-workers.   Those issues were not bullying but the mental pressure of revealing my secret and to continue on was a very big barrier to break through on so many levels.   Each time I revealed my past and my future plans it was like a big weight was lifted off of my shoulders... each subsequent time I came-out it got just a little easier ... and today I no longer harbor that secret... the vast majority of those that knew me "before" have accepted me... with a few heartbreaking exceptions to be sure.  Almost everyone that has only known me as a woman, and finding out that I am a transwoman has accepted me for what I am today... again with very few exceptions.

My opinion is that what virtually all of us go through with teasing and bullying, and what we experience growing up and becoming adults can make us what we are today.   I would like to think that having firsthand experience being bullied has made me a better person and more aware that my words and actions can hurt others. 

We can not change what has happened in the past, we need to apply the lessons learned in the past to our present and future journey and become the person that we can be happy with.

Thank you MellisaAnn for sharing your story.  Just going through the effort of writing about these kinds of unhappy experiences can really help us to process all of it in our minds and to finally put all of that past unhappiness to rest.

I trust that your words and my words will be of help to some others that read your posting...
...  onward we all go to our personal success in our journeys.

Hugs and well wishes
Danielle

[Linde]

I feel so bad for you!
My life was quite the opposite.  I was a measly week little guy when I went to school, but I was lucky.  My 4 older cousins were pretty much the strongest guys around, and they had decided to be my body guard.  Nobody messed with me, because they all knew that the knuckle sandwiches of my cousins did hurt very bad!

I grew up in a very loving environment.  we lived in a big city house which had several apartments.  My grandmother owned the house, and she lived in one apartment, my family in another, and my uncle with family (those 4 strong guys) in the 3rd apartment.  It was almost like living in a little village.  My sister, I and the cousins all played together on the grounds.  We had a lot of fun, and always had family around to take care of our needs.

I think, every story is different, but we all end up with our life stories here at Susan's, and here is it where all of us create ouer on kind of family which supports each of us!

[GordonG]

I agree with Danielle, I think most it not all people experience some bullying in their life. I know i certainly did. And it wasn't because I was fem. That didn't come out till later in life.

[BritneyX]

I have been bullied several times when I was young. It was always by boys who had broken Families.  I learned early that they can't make sense of their world and lash out in anger.  Sometimes I was able to turn that negative into a positive, making a friend in the process and try to help them.  Those boys or girls were easy to pick out from the group of bullies who need more than a hug to wake up.  With this subset of bullies, you fix their wagon by taking away their power...the power of fear.   Now, you won't be making any friends and you sure as tarnation ain't gonna fix what is broken.  However, you will put an end to their bullying, once and for all.  The two solutions are to embarrass the heck out of them and the latter is to basically beat the snot out of them.  The latter is always a last resort, but there are times when it is either take a stand or take the punishment.  I ain't no saint, so when I was in the 8th Grade, I had to knock some sense into the Senior that used to bully me all the time when I was younger.  He was in the local group of thugs that my older Brother use to run with, and yes, my Brother would allow them to pick on me.  Word got around town that I beat up a Senior, so no more bully problems.  However, whenever I saw anyone getting bullied or hazed, I would jump in and put a stop to it.  I, along with a good number of the Varsity Football Team in high school stepped up and put the entire Student Body on notice that we would not tolerate bullying, picking fights, cussing Teachers, being rude/forceful with girls, or any racist BS.  This was 85-87 time frame.  We were like our own campus police.  There were problems and we diffused them.   The adults gave us a lot of trust and never interfered.   

I know that has nothing to do with being bullied for being trans, non-binary, and all that, but how to deal with the bullying is not much different, in my honest opinion.  However, everything is situational so there are no absolutes.  I have just started my MTF journey and yet to experience that sort of bullying.  From what I gather, it goes beyond the scope of simple bullying, as it has cost the lives of too many trans folk.  That ain't mommy/daddy issues at home.  That is just pure evil.  In these cases, it is best to learn self-defense.  You should also study up on situational awareness techniques.  This is taught in the Military from combat, to traveling abroad or just going to the grocery store.  Being aware of your surroundings and learning how to read the situation is a life skill that we should all have in our toolkit.   One thing that you can easily do towards that goal is Kim's Game that we learned in Boy Scouts.  If you would like to learn about this game, you can find a good explanation at this link https://graywolfsurvival.com/2173/using-kims-game-to-train-your-mind-for-survival/.  It is simple, easy to do and can be loads of fun with others or by yourself.  You can make it as challenging as you want.

Stay safe!

[IzzyM]

My heart goes out to you MelissaAnn and to anyone who is bullied. I was bullied to some extent when I was younger, like Danielle, for having to wear glasses and for the fact I was the skinny boy ( I was 5' 9'' and weighed about 110lbs (wish my weight was closer to that now). The thing I learned though was bullying is about your fear and the power that gives the bullies. Standing up to bullies doesn't take away the fear but it takes away the power they have, although I can't say I knocked any sense into anyone but it did lead to an interest in Martial Arts when I was in my late teens and early 20s.

[krobinson103]

As a child I was skinny, effeminate, not into team sports, and couldn't care less about fitting in. This resulted in people seeing me as different. I never really enjoyed school, merely existing there to get an education. People tried to bully me, I faced them down. Beat up a few. Then people just left me alone. Kind of lonely but that's the way I liked it.

When I go married I chose a woman who couldn't accept me for myself and she was always trying to change me. Her tactics were quite aggressive in that she would be little me as much as possible always trying to establish her dominance. I developed good selective hearing but some damage was done.

At work when I started to transition certain staff and managers weren't able to adjust all that well and subtly put on pressure to 'conform' I ignored them. Currently I live and love as the person I've always been but never had the courage to let out. In a way, the people who tried to bully me made me stronger and capable of being the real me.

Being trans and visible there is some social and societal pressure. The more I transition the less visible I become and life gets easier. So the background and not not subtle discrimination (aka bullying) is getting less, but never really goes away.

[big kim]

Me too, up to 13 I was a punchbag.  One school holiday a friend's older brother came home on leave from the Army & I got him to teach  me to fight back. I learned how to put my weight behind a punch, to stand side on to make it more difficult to be hit & dirty fighting. I also read a couple of books. I started to win fights after that. On my 15th birthday I broke my class bully's nose when he started a fight with me. By this time I was generally left alone but he had  a crew of goons so thought he was a tough guy. He was with 3 of his goons waiting for me after rugby, I beat him up again & one of his crew. Another one knocked me out with a cricket bat & they all kicked me in the body as I lay semi concious. The games teacher found me & told me it didn't have to be like this someone would pay. I told him I wasn't a rat & would sort it myself. He said he'd no doubt I would & wished me good luck He also told me I wasn't like other boys & this was why I was getting bullied. Over the next few weeks I caught them one at a time & gave the worst ass kicking they ever had. One of the goons for many years later would cross himself & move out of my way if he saw me coming near.
What happened to the bullies? One in prison for sex offences, a couple dead from drugs & alcohol abuse, at least one is now living rough & begging. Bullies  are losers

[IzzyM]

Ouch Kim,

Someone once tried to hit me with a cricket bat, luckily I managed to dodge out of the way, ironically it was my brother's bat which we had put down when the trouble started to avoid the temptation of hitting anyone with it. Fortunately some adults turned up and the situation came to an end.

Izzy

[BrianaJ]

Being bullied for me started at a very young age. I remember one of my favorite Halloweens was back in 4th grade. My mom dressed me in a dress. I was thinking to myself how wonderful t felt wearing that dress. Going to school wearing that dress as it turned out was a complete nightmare.

Oh my Melissa Ann, I can so identify with this very thing as well as a few other instances in  your story.  I did the "dressed as a girl for Halloween" in 4th, 5th, and 6th grade.  For me, doing it in 6th grade is what really seemed to trigger or start the trouble.  I'm not sure what was different that year, but it was when the trouble really started for me.  Two brothers decided it was there mission in life to try and torment me.  Towards the end of that school year, while walking home I ran into one of the brothers.  They were a year apart but in the same grade...  This was the bigger fat brother.  When he saw me he came at me with the usual name calling and threats of total annihilation.  This time, I went straight at him and matched his name calling with my own childish insults.  Then up came the fists and I guess I totally surprised him cause it was over for him in less than a minute.  As he slunk away I told him I was going to do that every time I saw him.  They never bothered me again.  (Side note - his brother became a famous rock musician.  I still hate him though.)

I also had to deal with a few from the "mean girls" club in HS.  There was a group of 4 of them that just loved to taunt, name call, fill my locker with all kinds of fun things etc.  They never got the reaction out of me that I'm sure they hoped for though.  Later, just after we graduated HS one of the 4 actually apologized to me and said she really didn't know why they acted like that.  She actually wanted to date me.  We had some interesting conversations.  Hmpf, go figure.

As others have said, there's lots of bullying for many many different reasons and it's gone on since there were people on this earth.  It can have some absolutely terrible effects on those it happens to for sure.  For me, I realized what drove most to do it, to behave that way, and I chose to look above that or past that and push myself forward vs. letting it take me down. 

[Kylo]

Just about everyone experiences it at some point in life.

I'm glad it usually happens during childhood before people generally become strong enough and capable/inclined enough to inflict deadly violence.

I wasn't really bulled much which is surprising considering I used to go about by myself quite often and was visibly "different". I had a small number of close friends, in school and out, I even had a little gang of them of whom I was the leader, but I would also go around by myself at night, wandering the streets and sometimes foreign countries without much thought to personal safety. I think the worst episode of bullying I experienced was with a few local kids who decided to harass me on sight for a while. They never managed to actually "get me" even though they claimed they were going to beat me to death. The closest they came to that was for one of them to attempt to kick me in a swimming pool, and a few others threw some stones that never hit. They followed me about, even called at my door one day with sticks in their hands and I laughed and shut the door on them. I'm not sure if that was supposed to be serious bullying or not, to be honest. They weren't smart enough to get the jump on me, or if they had the opportunity, they never really took it.

But I was also something of a bully myself to my younger siblings. I can hardly call myself a victim when I was just as capable of doing the same thing. I know why too - taking out your frustrations on someone who is weaker or younger and getting high on the idea of calling the shots just has a tendency to happen. I could be extremely nasty, selfish and belligerent too. I don't recall feeling sorry for myself when I was harassed by other kids, in the same way I barely thought about why I was lording it over my siblings.

I'm glad I had the experience in a way because I know now how to temper myself. I don't bully people and I don't put up with bullying. Of course it's not something everyone deals with so easily nor deserves. I feel as if I did deserve it, I benefited to know what being bullied felt like, and it went some way toward educating me in how to be a better person.

As for being bullied while trans, it has never happened to date. I'm not really concerned with things people may say, or call me, even though this also has never really happened to any degree that it hurts me. I have a very thick skin and a belligerent nature under the exterior that would enjoy destroying an adversary, or even finding one that is capable of putting a dent in my confidence or mental defenses. More interested in whether or not I might find myself in a dangerous situation and on being able to either escape it or fight my way out of it. Hopefully that will never happen, but if it does, I am mentally prepared.

I do believe that because people saw a female, they left me alone. Only the kids led by another girl felt justified in harassing me and "beating me to death" as they put it. Had I been seen as a boy I would have got a lot more grief. It's interesting though... that a bunch of boys did go along with the campaign against me, throwing rocks, turning up at my house with sticks and so on. Would they have really done it? I wonder. I know if they'd attempted to, I wouldn't have held back, anyway. I did actually go myself to challenge them in their street one night after I got sick of it. But no-one came out to fight.

Maybe it was all just a little campaign of intimidation. It didn't work.

[big kim]

As a kid in the 60s & 70s I just assumed everyone was bullied & it was a part of growing up. You never told anyone as to be seen as a rat would just make it worse

[Michelle_P]

Bullying seems to be a common experience for any child other than the alpha male/females and their immediate pack of friends.  Those folks seem to become the bullies.

I had the usual stuff happen to me, as a smaller, weaker child with poor coordination.  Around second grade one of the bullies in our parochial school decided I was 'girly', and therefor should be beaten regularly.  For several years I ended each school week being assaulted in some way.  A punch to the gut, being collared and slammed into a wall, tripped and kicked before I could get up, always with the same bully and his friends.

To this day, I still suspect the nuns were aware of this and ignoring the behavior, so I would eventually 'man up', perhaps, or because the bully was the son of a wealthy donor.

In 8th grade and on into a religious high school, the nature of the assaults changed somewhat.  I was still a small child, no body or facial hair, and experiencing a little breast growth.  (I cover this in my biography). The assaults became more sexual, eventually ending with a rape.  I was actually left alone after that.

About a decade ago, I learned that my bully had died in a messy motorcycle accident, and I have to confess that brought me some perverse pleasure. 

Being bullied caused some serious damage to me.  It has taken a very long time to work through the worst of it, and to this day I have very few male friends, and being alone with males makes me nervous.

[BritneyX]

Me too, up to 13 I was a punchbag.  One school holiday a friend's older brother came home on leave from the Army & I got him to teach  me to fight back. I learned how to put my weight behind a punch, to stand side on to make it more difficult to be hit & dirty fighting. I also read a couple of books. I started to win fights after that. On my 15th birthday I broke my class bully's nose when he started a fight with me. By this time I was generally left alone but he had  a crew of goons so thought he was a tough guy. He was with 3 of his goons waiting for me after rugby, I beat him up again & one of his crew. Another one knocked me out with a cricket bat & they all kicked me in the body as I lay semi concious. The games teacher found me & told me it didn't have to be like this someone would pay. I told him I wasn't a rat & would sort it myself. He said he'd no doubt I would & wished me good luck He also told me I wasn't like other boys & this was why I was getting bullied. Over the next few weeks I caught them one at a time & gave the worst ass kicking they ever had. One of the goons for many years later would cross himself & move out of my way if he saw me coming near.
What happened to the bullies? One in prison for sex offences, a couple dead from drugs & alcohol abuse, at least one is now living rough & begging. Bullies  are losers

I had something like that happen about 4 years ago with a rough cut family from Dominican Republic that moved in 2 doors down.  They were trouble from the start, from the adults on down to the kids.  Less than a month after they moved in, they were having this huge New Year's Eve party.  After asking them to not allow their kids to shoot roman candles at my vehicles, I went off to have a talk to "Fat Joe" and about 12-16 adult males, their gf/wives and about 30 kids.  He immediately got up in my face to stare me down while he regaled to me about being a gang leader, his crew and that he now owned the street.  He was a bit perplexed when I sternly replied, "Well good then.  Start fixin' the damn sidewalks and pot holes. He amped it up.  After I laughed an told him that I was a Navy Veteran and a Texan and that I wasn't the least be scared by him or his little motley, a group pulled him back saying, "It ain't worth it man.  He is just a punk".  And as predicted, his #2 strong arm got up in my face to garner my attention away from the big bull that had peeled off to the side and was now charging, full bore to waylay a sucker punch from the side.  I have a high degree of peripheral vision and I did warn the silly fool that I was a Texan and a Veteran.  In a microsecond, I contemplated dropping low with superman punch to his kidney, just rotate out of the way and prepare for what comes next or allow him to hit me.  I chose the latter of the 3 but with a caveat.  I positioned my stance at a 45 degree angle, as if to do a marching facing maneuver, while keeping my upper body square with his his pal, who was now stepping back out of the way.  So the moment this guy, twice my weight and girth, made contact, I quickly rotated my body with the punch.  This deflected most of the energy of his punch like how a parachutists makes a falling stick landing.  The effect came off perfect.  While Fat Joe was getting ready for his victory lap, all of his crew just stood there with their jaws gaping.  By all rights, I should have been on the ground suffering from a brain hemorrhage.  From their perspective, it looked like I took Fat Joe's entire thrust like I was literally Superman.  Not to let a good time go to waste.  I asked Fat Joe if he would like another try at not hitting like a little kid.  At that moment, I could see the bravado, the anger, the full of himself surety leave his face as his eyes filled with pain and fear.  I took away his power, the fear that he wielded upon others and used it against him. More correctly, he used it upon himself.  I almost felt sorry for the guy as he now has zero street cred with his boys.  This became so evident when his crew abandoned him, never to return, and the fact that he would never look me when I drove by or was out working in the yard.   

I am no Billy Bad Arse or have any formal training in self-defense tactics, though I did watch a lot of Chuck Norris movies!    I don't start fights and I try to avoid or defuse them.  However, I do have instinct and the power of my mind.  I learned a long time ago that, like with the 24/7 severe nerve pain that I live with, fear is just an emotion. I  that I can control.   I can let it take hold, I can use it as a life kit safety valve or I can tell it to bugger off.   I realize that we all are different, and that everyone must choose what it right for them.  Please do not take what I am saying as disparaging in any shape, form, or matter or boasting about myself.  I am just providing my experiences to the topic at hand, so that it may serve some useful purpose to help others.  Also, that may mean the mistakes of my experiences.  I ain't perfect or have all the answers, so constructional criticisms or further advice is warmly welcomed!

[Linde]

I am absolutely amazed about the lives you ladies live, respectively have lived.  I have never been in any physical fight since I left middle school. 
This kind of violence is absolutely foreign to me.  I would not want to live in an area in which I would have to be prepared to fight at any given time of the day!

[BritneyX]

(I cover this in my biography).

I read your blog, Michelle.  It was very insightful.  Glad to see that you weathered through.  Thanks for sharing and your Service, Shipmate!

From an Airedale.

[Julia1996]

Im so sorry you all had to go through that. I was bullied a lot myself. But thankfully my older brother has always been very loving and very protective. My dad was always very accepting. He never pushed masculinity on me. He let me have shoulder length hair and wear androgynous clothes. My uncle was bullying verbally but my dad always yelled at him for it. My dad's friends were all nice to me too. Which surprised me because they are all ex military or cops.He did have one friend who would say things to me but my dad dropped him as a friend because of it. My brothers friends were nice to me as well. My brother wouldn't have tolerated any of them being mean to me.

So for the most part my family accepted me. School was another matter though. I was just too good of a target. Albino, very small and very feminine.  I am lucky that I was never beaten up. My brother made sure that everyone knew he would beat the crap out of anyone who messed with me. They knew that he absolutely would do it so I escaped being beaten up. But I was called everything you could think of. ->-bleeped-<-, queer, fudge packer, snow queen, ice princess, etc. On and on. I was tripped, had my books knocked out of my hands, had my food spat in or my tray thrown on the floor. One ass hole loved slamming his fist down on ketchup packets so it sprayed all over me. Once this guy told me I needed some color and threw a cup of blue food coloring in my face. When I was 14 these boys came up behind me and sprayed some kind of rubber sealant in my hair. My dad tried really hard to get it out but he finally had to cut it out. That left my hair so messed up all he could do was buzz all of it. I cried for two weeks over that. The worst thing that happened to me was being sexually assaulted when I was in eleventh grade
This jock guy made me give him oral sex and he wasn't gentle about it. He told me if I bit him he would throw me down the stairs and I didn't doubt he meant it. I didn't report it because I was ashamed it had happened, because the police would have gotten involved and I didn't want my dad to be embarrassed and awkward with his coworkers because it would have gotten around to other cops. And finally I was afraid if my brother found out he might do something to that guy that would get him arrested.

I wish people knew the long term emotional damage bullying causes. A few months ago I ran into a guy I went to school with. He bullied me though not as bad as others. He recognized me of course. He apologized for the stuff he had done to me. I asked him exactly why he had done it. His explanation was that I had scared and confused a lot of the guys at school including him. He said even when I was in high school I was pretty and looked like a girl. He said because guys found me attractive it threatened their masculinity.  So they bullied me to make themselves feel better and to prove to the other guys they didn't like me. I found that to be a strange excuse. But knowing how fragile a guys masculinity can be I found it logical. I did accept his apology.

[BritneyX]

His explanation was that I had scared and confused a lot of the guys at school including him. He said even when I was in high school I was pretty and looked like a girl. He said because guys found me attractive it threatened their masculinity.

That about sums it up for most of them.  This was sort of brought up in the movie American Beauty when the man next door thought his son was having a sexual relation with the main character (the actor that will not be named).  If I remember correctly, the father was all homophobic and treating his son like crap.  He then goes to confront the main character and ends up wanting to have a tryst with him.  Still for others, it is just bad parenting or lack thereof.   Kudos to your Brother.  Mine just stood there and watched me be bullied by his pals.