Positively Allison

[Allison R]

I have been dragging my feet a bit getting this new blog started. As stated in the title, I want to be a lot more of a positive person, and frankly, the new year is always a bit of a downer for me. But here I am! I am a 54 year old transgender woman who has been in therapy since 2021, and have only been working on the internal parts of transitioning. I not only denied my identity to the world, but from myself as well, even at times falling into the trap of not being a very nice person at times to reinforce to myself and those around me that I was a man. I am glad to have shed that need.

I came out to my wife right at a year ago, and a rocky relationship suddenly became like a scene out of and Indiana Jones movie, but I am finally able to say that I have found a side passage to scoot down and am perfectly fine with however that relationship may or may not work out. Mostly because I finally found acceptance for myself. That was o e of the very first bits of advice given to me when I started my first blog, and I had no clue what that really meant, let alone how to achieve it. But here I am.

My first appointment with an endo to start HRT is next Tuesday. Excited is a loaded word in this instance, but I am. I know this whole journey means a new Rubicon almost weekly, but this one is one that will start to push me out of the door.

There are so many people here who have been inspirations as well as sources of envy, and to everyone I say welcome back, I am very glad to see you all. And like Sara, I have a goal to be one of the cool kids.

I know over the last few months my posts have dwindled to almost nothing, feeling, and it has been pointed out to me several times is wrong thinking, that I had nothing to add. Well no longer.

Love and hugs

Positively,
Allison

[Jessica_Rose]

Allison, from what I can see no one has posted much at all for over four years! No apologies necessary.

Some people don't like to post, and they are as welcome here as everyone else... except the spammers. Spammers are not welcome.

Congrats on the HRT appointment! Don't worry, it isn't painful. Once you get a prescription, you may feel a mixture of relief, freedom, and joy. It usually takes a while before you start noticing any effects. For me, the squirrels running around inside my head began to calm down after 2 - 3 months.

Relationships can be tricky, no matter who you are. Adding a possible transition into the mix does complicate things, but it isn't impossible. Just take it slow, and be patient.

Love always -- Jessica Rose

[REM.1126]

Hello again Allison.  It is good to see you here again.  I look forward to following your thread as your life unfolds.

Welcome back.

[Allison R]

That's funny Jessica! I still need to go to the wayback thing and see if any of my blog is available. Or maybe not. A lot of stuff I would like to have record of. Most of it from early on though and I dl'd it at some point awhile back. And hello Rachel! Glad you're back!

I haven't been posting the last few days because my wife brought home the gift of an upper respiratory infection and we have been pretty much bedridden the last half of the week and the weekend. Nasty stuff! What bothers me more though is I had to postpone my endo appointment. Again. At least it wasn't by choice this time. I don't have another set yet because it was all I could do to cancel this one. It amazes me just how much energy it takes to do basic tasks. Otherwise I guess the only thing new that is worth talking about is my new puppy. We've had him since just before Christmas. He is already showing his genes. Headstrong is a nice way to put it. He is being a bugger about being potty trained, but he is still young and really just now getting used to us. And the awesome thing (to me) is that since I am home all the time he is really bonding with me. He will play like the dickens with my wife, but it was me he laid next to all weekend long while we have been sick and really anytime he isn't playing he has to be touching me. It makes me feel pretty good, which is always needed. He seems like he has doubled in size too already. Eats like a horse this one does.

Well I just wanted to drop a quick line. I hope everyone had a great weekend!

Love and hugs

Allison

[REM.1126]

What breed is your puppy?

[Jessica_Rose]

A puppy! I love puppies! They can be a pain at times, but when you stare into those eyes you can't stay mad for long.

Susan and I had something really bad about four years ago, just getting out of bed was difficult. We got prescriptions for albuterol inhalers, and they worked magic. It still took several weeks to recover, but at least we could breath. Hope you and your wife get better soon.

Love always -- Jessica Rose

[Allison R]

Thanks Jessica. We are feeling better tonight, and are doing a warm honey/lemon/ginger concoction to hopefully break up what's in our chests.

And the puppy is a chihuahua/jack russell mix. Lying in the crook of my arm right now sleeping. He eases my heart a great deal. He doesn't fill the hole that our late fur baby left, but he is still a blessing. Full of energy. We had the last one for almost 14 years and he had gotten as old and sedentary as we are, so a brand new puppy is an adjustment for sure. And when I say brand new, he was weaned less than a week when we got him, and I am not entirely sure that he was properly weaned. He was eating solid foods, but his mother didn't really mother him. He watched her kill his brothers and sisters and he was the last of that litter. Hopefully they have had her fixed. But he is adjusting along with us. But just like all babies he is a mix of laughs and frustrations. I am so grateful though. Someone who gives me unconditional love and is always happy to see me and shows it. Not to mention he is my only touch. My wife and I have been at arms length for years and our old baby was a lifesaver in that respect as well.

And yep, I am a proud momma! When I can post pics I will. He is beautiful. Brown spots interspersed with brown and white mix with a white blaze on top of his head so pure it glows in a black light.

[TXSara]

Hi Allison!  Welcome back, and I'm glad you started your blog back up!

I'm looking forward to hearing about how things go as you switch your hormones!

~Sara

There are so many people here who have been inspirations as well as sources of envy, and to everyone I say welcome back, I am very glad to see you all. And like Sara, I have a goal to be one of the cool kids.

You're so sweet!  Thank you! <blushing>

[Allison R]

You're very welcome Sara. Watching your journey has been a highlight for sure. My appointment yesterday was canceled because the offices were closed due to the storm system we all had to deal with. We had 30 or 40 MPH winds with much higher gusts. Besides, when rescheduling they realized they had me seeing an NP instead of the doctor, and in Florida they are the only people who can prescribe for HRT. The new appointment is still over a month away, Feb 20th, but it also gives my therapist a chance to send over an updated letter showing the length of time I have had in therapy. Otherwise it has been a blessedly boring week!

I hope everyone has a beautiful day today, and for those of us in the northern climes, stay warm!

Love and hugs

Allison

[imallie]

A new puppy and potentially new HRT levels? Your tear ducts might get quite the "crying from cuteness" overload 😂

Heading to my own Endo tomorrow for an expected HRT bump.  But while our 14-year old kitty is quite the snuggler at time, he's no match for a puppy. Pretty much nothing on the planet is!

Can't wait to see pics!

Love,
Allie

[Allison R]

Puppies are the best! Unless it is at 2 in the morning. Well, I guess technically they are still the best, since everything is measurably worse at that time of morning.

In keeping with the positive mindset, I get to tell y'all about a new position I took today. It is selling insurance with a company that reps the biggest insurance carrier in the country. All warm leads, most coming with recommendations from union bosses or high level management in large companies. Seems like good training and high commissions as well as high residual income(p. much my only hope for any kind of retirement). Hopefully my financial issues will go away again! Although I need to get better at saving money for sure. I have always spent it as fast or faster than I could make it, no matter how fast it came in! I am very excited to get started. I am starting the course work for a Life+Health license in my state and the companies home state this weekend with the goal of being able to take my state test by the end of the week next week, and then I will be off to the races.

I hope everyone has had a good week this week, and for those of us in the US, please stay safe and warm as these wintry waves pass us by.

Love and hugs

Allison

[TXSara]

Allison,

I'm really glad that you seem to have found a new gig that you're excited about!  Awesome!

I'm sorry your appointment has been pushed back.  It seems like you have been waiting for this for a VERY long time.  On a side note, Feb 20th will be a banner day for us both.  You have your HRT appointment, and I have my GRS with Dr. McGinn!

~Sara

[Allison R]

I knew you were coming up shortly after the new year Sara. It will be a day of firsts for both of us! And you will be in my thoughts!

And I have been waiting for a very long time, but it is me that I've been waiting on. I was no where near ready for this step at first. If I'd've done the online thing or PP it would not have ended well at all. Even now I sometimes question if the time is right. I was able to hide this even from myself. I knew I'd rather have been born a girl, but that never translated to "I am transgender" in anyway at all. So there is a lot of deconstructing going on in the background. Probably a lifetime of it left too. But I am at a point of self-acceptance that it is time for more concrete steps and less experimentation. That has had it's place, and has helped with dysphoria, but not enough for me to feel more like a whole person yet. I am really hoping I get the "quieted squirrels" Jessica was talking about once I start. Althougb I have always tended to think whats up there is a spider nest. I know that the first visit will be labs and IC discussions and not likely an actual prescription, and I am steeling myself for the possibility that the damage I've done self medicating may require some time and work to get past as well, but I am hoping that by mid spring I will have the prescriptions in hand. I don't really know if there are things I have done to myself in the past that can slow or stop this from moving forward, but I am going to hope for the best while expecting delays and headaches.

I also have an appointment with my PCP on Monday to get started with an anti-depressant. My therapist has recommended it(moths ago) and I have also had some good advice from a woman I trust completely about the necessity and how it will help with the really dark days I sometimes have.

My puppy continues to grow and become his own little personality. He is so funny. He has an overbite so bad it should be a Simpsons gag. You can literally rub his chin and upper teeth while his mouth is closed. Like he got a jack russell top jaw and a chihuahua lower! I can't wait to post pictures of him. He is absolutley adorable!

I am working the online couses to get my insurance licenses today. Lots of reading, but the suggestion was to work to the quizzes if that makes sense. Like a drivers license, having one won't make you a good driver, only time and experience can do that. So the goal is simply to pass the state tests for the license for now, and then trust my managers and trainers at the company to teach me what I really need to know.

Well I hope everyone is safe, dry, and warm today and having a wonderful one at that!

Love and hugs

Allison

[Allison R]

Wow! Still getting used to the new site and just discovered the alerts! It seems like functionality is very much improved on the new site! I like it a lot!

[Gina P]

Nice to hear about the puppy. I am a dog lover and have had 4 pups from birth to death. They all were the same breed (Lab) but with so much individual personalities. The love and kindness they provide is amazing as well as the destructive habits of trying to chew up the furniture. But just like having a kid we child proofed the house as much as possible. We found the use of a crate was very useful when house breaking but like all things it takes time. Good luck and I can't wait to see the pic's.
Gina 

[Allison R]

He is starting to get the hang of puppy pads now, Gina, so I am starting to move them closer to the door outside. Lots and lots of positive reinforcement. I got too many suggestions to rub his nose in it, and I just can't. That is straight abuse in my opinion. If you did it to a skin baby you'd rightly go to jail!

It is update day! I had a very busy week. I had to postpone my PCP appointment til this morning, but I made it today and after talking with her we decided to start Prozac and then see how that is doing in a few weeks. Of course tweaking dosages or changing the prescription altogether are possibilities. I will be taking my first dose tomorrow evening. I also had a very good visit with my therapist this afternoon. We spoke about a lot of things, the endo appointment next month was a major one. I told her that I am getting more comfortable with that step. I have been dealing with fear that I am making a mistake. Not whether I am a transgender woman or not, that hadn't been in question for quite awhile now, but whether I am making a mistake as far as what I need to do to make my dysphoria livable. And the reason I am getting more comfortable with the appointment next month is because wherever the point of it being livable is, I am not there yet. So that appointment is in the same vein as the one this morning for an anti-depressant. Simply taking care of myself.

And even with all of that going on I was still able to finish the last few hours of the 60 hours of coursework and pass the final exam this afternoon for the certificate to take my Life+Health insurance license exam. I am now waiting on the state. Once I get that resident license I can apply for the non resident license in the state that the company is in and I can start training. I am hoping for the next cycle which starts on the 29th, otherwise it'll be two more weeks out before I can start. And I have put too much time in this week to get myself where I am now to want to wait.

And just a quick update about my relationship with me wife, mostly because I discussed it with my therapist today and she was very happy with how I am dealing with things. I was told last night, again, that my wife wants me to hurry up and go back to the way I was before. She still refuses to try to learn anything about what this all really is, and I have decided that she will get the barest minimum of my trust and time talking with her about it. It is hard to explain how I am feeling to someone who doesn't want to believe this is not a choice or to even consider anyone other than herself and the effects on her. I pointed out that we have promised the whole better or worse, sickness and health, richer or poorer, and I have stood on that promise and expected her to as well. I asked what would happen if I had an accident and became completely dependent on someone for daily living. And her response was no response. Which I pointed out was a response in and of itself. She said she was going to stick around for as long as she can and if it got too much she would bail, and I finished my part of the conversation by telling her I am completely OK with her bailing whenever she chooses.

Well that was my week this week! It has been good if for no other reason than I was too busy to spend much time in my head, but also because it has definitely built up my self esteem quite a bit.

I hope everyone had a wonderful week and have plans for a better weekend (even if that means just trying to relax after a long week like me!).

Love and hugs

Allison