Hello, I'm Nadia, though I really don't get to use that name very often. I've lived most of my almost fifty years in the closet. I only really came out to myself five years ago. Before that, I considered myself mentally ill. Somehow, that was more comfortable to accept when I was younger than being transgender. After a while, it became habit, and I looked on my need to be a woman with fear, self-loathing, and denial.
What finally changed for me? Well, a funny thing happened eight years ago. I work in a high school, and we've had a GSA for about ten or twelve years. The previous advisor was retiring, and she needed someone to take over. Several emails went unanswered until I finally found the courage to take it on. I felt that having no one take on GSA would send the absolute worst message possible. I took it on, although I, oddly enough, still didn't consider myself to be a part of the community GSA served.
I learned a LOT from those students about gender. I worked with them to fight for them to gain acceptance and respect. Well, what I found is that while I worked for them to build acceptance, I was also, slowly, having to accept myself and who I was. After fighting myself and living in self-hated from middle school until my early forties, I finally started to heal.
I came out to my wife three years ago, and she's been incredibly supportive. Her first responses were "It sounds like you've been wanting to say that for a really long time," and "Of all the bombshells you could drop after fifteen years of marriage, this is the least concerning thing I can think of." I am unspeakably proud of her and her generosity and acceptance. I honestly think she's more accepting of me than I am. I still fight the decades of habitual loathing I feel toward myself. Therapy is helping with that, and my wife's patience gives me strength.
I'm definitively NOT out in most of the rest of my life. I've been teaching for 25 years, and while our school has done the right thing by our kids time and time again, I'm not sure the community is ready for its first trans teacher. It's a VERY conservative, right-wing community, and I'm just not willing to bet my pension on them accepting me. After so long in the closet, a few more years won't do me in.
I have lots of questions, and I look forward to digging into this site to find answers. Since I don't see myself able to transition any time in the near future, I'm looking to learn about things like push up bras and breast forms, makeup and body hair removal. Of all the things that make me dysphoric, body hair is the worst. The very first thing I did after coming out to my wife was shave my armpits. *chuckle* I waited so long to do that.
I welcome anyone who's interested to share resources that fit or to simply say hello. I'd love to connect to the community I've denied for so long.
Thanks.
