Hii
I'm new to this site although I think I have visited it a couple of times during the years. But never as a member.
My name is Josefin and I'm a 22 years old trans girl. I live in south Sweden and Sweden is located in Europe if somebody does not know that. Now during the winter times it is very cold and dark here but it is a beautiful country and people av very progressive and tolerant. It is very nice.
I was born as a boy and I have felt very misplaced in my body my entire life. I have never understood why I was not born female. When I was a little kid I was though very afraid of telling anyone about it. I remember having nightmares and fears about geting locked up at a mental institotion if I told anyone. So I never dared to talk about my feelings and I was ashamed. I felt that I had to full fill what I thought was other peoples expectations on me. And I tried to do so for a long time. It is just recently that I have understood that my thoughts about other peoples expectations on me are just my own prejudgement. They where untrue, false and destructive.
But I never understood this as a kid so I kept my feelings to myself. Scared and sad. But I dreamed about the future. I thought that when I would become an adult I would certainly become the girl or woman that I am. I tried to live as good as I could because I was hoping for things to get better. I did not have all the answers but I had trust in the future.
The years went on and on and I was getting more and more sad and it effected me. Especially after puberty kicked in. I tried to deny to myself that it was happening. But I got more and more masculine. It was horrible. And I was getting more and more away from myself and more and more scared and frighten to talk about it. I more and more developed a facade, a persona that I thought would please my surroundings. But not being true to your self is horrible, when you are not yourself it is like going thru hell.
Eventually at the age of 20 I could not make it any longer. I still haven't been brave enough to tell anyone and I thought that my world would go under if I did. There where no logical thinking in this. Fear does not use logic. It locks you up and create all kinds of destructive ideas and emotions.
So when I could sustain my happy fake facade my friends started to notice it. I just could not function anymore. I could not hang out with friends, I could not do school work, I could not do anything. I had panic attacks and cried. Because I was so sad and so exhausted. So frighted and so evil to myself.
My closest friends wondered what was happening with me and one night they asked me straight out. And I just couldn't hide anymore. I tried to be as strong as possible and just nodded with the idea of me being a girl, a transgender person. It was very tough but at the same time it felt as if there where so much weight liften up from my shoulders. Pain and liberty in the same time. As a rebirth. Painful but beautiful.
My friends hugged me and said that they really loved me for who I am. That I was okay just the way that I am. For who I really am. They even felt that it was a little bit cool. I was so great full for them and for having them as friends. It felt so good. I am so thankful. Gosh where would I bee with out them.
So the months when by and I felt that I had to tell my family. This was so hard. I tried to tell them so many times but I just couldn't. So I wrote a letter and left it at home. And then I ran away. I just ran. It felt so strange and everything felt so slow. Like some. Hollywood movie effect. But it was real. I sent a text massage to my mother to read my letter when she came home. She did. She later replied that she always wanted a girl and that she loved me so much.
I cried. Did but did not dear to come home until it was in the middle of the night. When I knew she was asleep. The house felt so strange when I came home. It was completely dark and I sneaked to my room but the house felt so welcoming some how. Like a really good home. It was a very magical feeling.
Afterwards I asked my mother to tell the rest of my family. They all took it very good.
So I had to try to start to get things started now when I became true to myself.
In Sweden the we have government founded healthcare only. And the quality of the treatment is very very high but it is tough to get it. There are a lot of gatekeepers. It is a very bureaucratic system. And I knew this of course.
So I started to book an appointment with a nurse at a youth clinic. Because in Sweden we have youth clinics al across the country and there you can make appointments with doctors, nurses, psychologists and so on and it is free. They help youths between the ages of 15 and 23 with all kinds of things but they only do basic medical care. If you need more than that they send you to another clinic or the hospital.
Anyways I meet a nurse there and told him about my situation. The nurse sent me to a psychologist but she sent me to a psychiatrist before seeing me. So I told the psychiatrist about my situation. She wrote an referral to a gender identity clinic in Lund, a city in south of Sweden. So I went home very happy. Shortly after I got a letter from them that told me that the waiting time for care was at least 16 months at that time. I collapsed.
But soon I did as good as I could to make the best of it. I tried to check the queue to other gender identity clinics in Sweden and I soon found out that in our capital Stockholm the waiting time was "only" six months. So booked an appointment with my doctor and asked them to change my referral from Lund to Stockholm. He did.
Then begun a time of waiting. In the meantime I had several meetings with a therapist.
At the spring of this year I had my first meeting with my doctor at the gender identity clinic in Stockholm. They begun what we in Swedish call a gender identity investigation, in other words they begun to examine me, my health, my social and economical situation and my gender dysphoria. Also they wanted to know what kind of treatments I wanted.
My case was closed in late august of this year. Way sooner then I expected it to be but I was sooo happy. The doctor gave me the diagnosis "transgender" and told me that they did not se me as sick in any way but it is the only way to be able to get medical care. To have that diagnosis.
So they sent out referrals for removing unwanted hair, for hormone replacement therapy, for fertility-preserving treatment (freezing you know what), for trach shave surgery, speech therapist and for breast and genital surgery.
I have now done some blood testes, my fertility-preserving treatment and yeast day I had my first laser appointment. And it was so extremely painful but the nurse told me it was the worst the first time and it would get better. But it is so worth the pain. Not anyway near the mental pain that I have felt for such a long time. This was only short physical pain.
And in the next week I will have a phone call from my endocrinologist and will get prescription for hrt. I will begin as quickly as I can.
So this is just a little about me
Other than being a trans girl I am very interested in human behavior, fashion, design and architecture. I love to learn, listen and meet new people.
Sincerely
Josefin
