Unsure how to respond

[randim]

I have been wrestling with gender issues for a while now.  As part of that, about six weeks or so ago I went to a trans meetup event at a nearby LGBT center and met a transwoman about my age.  I called her up and met her for coffee before the holidays and that seemed to go pretty well.  During the conversation she mentioned that she had a girdle fetish, but it was sort of said in passing, and I didn't think much of it.  A few days later she invited me to come over  to her home to "femme out a bit."  I interpreted that to mean just visit and chat en femme, which seemed fine to me.  There were scheduling issues.  It didn't happen but we had agreed we would do that sometime.  Last night she invites me over and sends a series of pix that show her pulling a dress up to reveal a girdle and stockings with the text basically "thinking of you." I am not quite sure what to make of that.  All I'm looking for is a sisterly trans friend.  Seems like she might want something more.  Am I being overly sensitive?  Maybe just a matter of communication and establishing clear boundaries? Having a friend in the area would be awfully sweet. 

[CindyLouFromCO]

Nothing like going to a meet up and dealing with pervs doing this for their fetish. A support group I went to 3 or 4 years ago always had that issue.  It was in a major metro area so we just delt with them.  We had a sissy show up a lot.  The sissy just sat there and waited for their ride.  We figured they were being forced to go for some role play thing.

At least it was not a support group meeting where you met this person.  People like that person can make our community look bad.  That's why people treat us like we are a fetish.  That's why dating sucks at first. 

Who cares about a fetish.  Just don't come around us thinking or assuming we are part of your fetish.

And that's what this person is doing since they don't even know you very well.

I would just ignore them and tell them you're not a fetish and are not looking to satisfy their fetish.

You will find more friends.  The friends will probably be someone transitioning in your transition timeline.

[BlueJaye]

->-bleeped-<-s and other weirdos are one of my biggest anxieties about transitioning full time. I'm already married, so dating isn't a concern. But there are some really scary people out there.

I have old school friend who I purposely lost contact with after college who scares me. He got really, really weird during college after doing a ton of drugs. He recently got my phone number from his brother (whom I still speak to) and called me. It was one of the creepiest conversations I have ever had. He wanted to know how my sex life was with my wife (yes, after not speaking for like 15 years this is what he wanted to ask). I have no doubt if he finds me after transitioning he will try to assault me sexually.

[dee82]

Hi Randi,

The pics and the "thinking of you" is way too much too soon.

I have no experience with fetishists, but what you describe would ring alarm bells in head.

Maybe the friendship can develop and be on the level you want. But I don't think you are being too sensitive.

I would stick to meeting for coffee in public places, and politely decline any invitations to visit them at home, to give them a chance and the benefit of the doubt.

But if she persists with the inappropriate behaviour, then no more contact outside of the group.

~Dee.

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[BlueJaye]

I personally would stop communicating with that person. You don't owe anyone anything, and you are not obligated to be friends with people who seem questionable.

[KathyLauren]

A couple of people I met at a trans support group turned out to be into BDSM stuff.  Not that they weren't trans - I have no doubt that they were - but they were into stuff that I am not into.  I got invited to join them, but I just politely declined and said that I am not into that, thank you.

I have nothing against whatever kink people are into, but sometimes there is an implied suggestion that, if you are trans, you are automatically into kinky stuff, too.  The kink doesn't offend me, but the suggestion that I should be into it too does. 

[luckygirl]

I would just tell her I misunderstood and that isn't my thing, then wish her luck and ghost her.

[Michelle_P]

A couple of people I met at a trans support group turned out to be into BDSM stuff.  Not that they weren't trans - I have no doubt that they were - but they were into stuff that I am not into.  I got invited to join them, but I just politely declined and said that I am not into that, thank you.

I have nothing against whatever kink people are into, but sometimes there is an implied suggestion that, if you are trans, you are automatically into kinky stuff, too.  The kink doesn't offend me, but the suggestion that I should be into it too does.

I doubt they meant to offend.  The kink community, including all the cispeople in it, seems to be far more accepting of trans people than any other segment of the "Q" Universe of gender nonconforming folks (LGBTQQIA2SPM+).

"Kink" strictly speaking is far, far broader than just the hardcore BDSM community.  It's more about acting out fantasies each of us may have, expressing parts of ourselves we would not normally let out to play, in a safe and permissive environment with people we deeply trust.  This can be an interesting area to explore, although hardly necessary for most of us.

[Devlyn]

Some really good responses so far...and some bollocks ones. I have a dollar in the pool that says 95% of us started down this path by putting on a bra and panties and having a good wank. I know I did. There's no point in hurling around terms like fetishist or sissy as insults.

[AnneK]

The kink community, including all the cispeople in it, seems to be far more accepting of trans people than any other segment of the "Q" Universe of gender nonconforming folks (LGBTQQIA2SPM+).

I agree.  When I first started cross dressing, I used to go to "Fetish Night", where everyone was welcome.

They had a list of rules, such as don't touch without permission and the last item on the list was "No white pumps after Labour Day".   

[Kirsteneklund7]

Some really good responses so far...and some bollocks ones. I have a dollar in the pool that says 95% of us started down this path by putting on a bra and panties and having a good wank. I know I did. There's no point in hurling around terms like fetishist or sissy as insults.

Well put Devlyn!

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[Kirsteneklund7]

I have been wrestling with gender issues for a while now.  As part of that, about six weeks or so ago I went to a trans meetup event at a nearby LGBT center and met a transwoman about my age.  I called her up and met her for coffee before the holidays and that seemed to go pretty well.  During the conversation she mentioned that she had a girdle fetish, but it was sort of said in passing, and I didn't think much of it.  A few days later she invited me to come over  to her home to "femme out a bit."  I interpreted that to mean just visit and chat en femme, which seemed fine to me.  There were scheduling issues.  It didn't happen but we had agreed we would do that sometime.  Last night she invites me over and sends a series of pix that show her pulling a dress up to reveal a girdle and stockings with the text basically "thinking of you." I am not quite sure what to make of that.  All I'm looking for is a sisterly trans friend.  Seems like she might want something more.  Am I being overly sensitive?  Maybe just a matter of communication and establishing clear boundaries? Having a friend in the area would be awfully sweet.

I think the lovely lady in the girdle is most likely harmless - albeit a bit forward. Firmly but tactfully let her down. You never know you might be good mates down the track.



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[JaslineUK]

My life journey took me into the fetish/BDSM scene. I'm still there and have been in the scene for a long time now. And that is long enough to say there are some really nice trans people in the scene. However there are also lots and lots with hidden agendas. You need to trust your intuition as that will guide you. From what you are saying you already have doubts, so listen to that voice in your head. If you were to ask me I would say she wanted more, especially if she referred to a "fetish".

P.S. Just want to add that I am still into the fetish scene. I now believe that this is some sort of gender dysphoria as the more I journey down the path of transformation the more my fetish needs diminish. If I wanted some sort of fetish relationship I would be on a fetish site. This site is clearly something totally different and you only have to read a few posts to understand that. I feel more at home here than I have ever done on any fetish site.

Jas x