So, for any who are interested, a recap of my journey so far. A little different from that of most other transwomen, I think, in that while I wished with all my heart that I could be a girl from the age of 11 or 12 on, I never thought of myself as a girl (or woman) trapped in a boy's (or man's) body; never felt that I was different from the other boys. You see, I never acknowledged my longing to be female as a legitimate part of me, as something emanating from inside me; I thought it was a sort of fetish, brought on my accidentally learning that thinking girly thoughts while masturbating was pleasurable, and that I would eventually shake, outgrow, or tire of the habit. I was so ashamed of the way I felt that I would not have been able to bear the thought of it being with me for life. And so of course I could not entertain the notion that I was different from the other boys either. I very rarely thought of girls when I masturbated; instead, I almost always imagined myself as a girl. Not as a girl having sex; just as a girl, doing everyday things. And each time I finished, I vowed never to do it again. The shame became exponentially greater once, toward the end of high school, I started dressing up when home alone. Looking at myself in the mirror wearing makeup and a dress was always absolute ecstasy, but I could never enjoy the experience very long, because I found it impossible to keep my hands off myself; and after climaxing, I couldn't rip my girl clothes off fast enough. And I would always feel deeply ashamed and vow that this was the last time (never, however, discarding my dresses and makeup!). I continued in this way up until I got married at the age of 32, dressing up whenever I had the house to myself for the day, which worked out to once or twice a month (I lived with my mother). When I got married, I got rid of all my girl things, because I could not bear the thought of my wife discovering my secret. And for the next 25 years I did not dress up, though the desire remained just as strong. Masturbation was my only outlet; greatly enhanced by the arrival of the Internet! I kept trying to stop being a girl in my mind while masturbating, or while having sex with my wife (yes, even then, almost every single time). I would often be able to last 3 months, sometimes 6; once I made it a whole year. But it was torture the whole time. Right up until November 2013, at the age of 57, I was still ashamed of myself, still dead-set on taking my secret to my grave, still terrified that I would never be able to cure myself of this affliction, as I viewed it. (I should make it clear that at no point in my history would I have preferred a magical "cure" to a magical transformation into an actual woman!) So, what changed in November 2013? I don't understand how or why, but I had an epiphany. I suddenly realized that my desires WERE coming from within me, were a part of my nature, and therefore were nothing to be ashamed of. It didn't hit me over the course of a day, or an hour; it was sudden, all at once. A psychologist might be able to explain how it happened that way (and I wish one would)--I'd been doing a lot more reading and thinking on the subject, and perhaps all the new information enabled my unconscious mind to finally get the upper hand over my stubborn conscious one. The next thing I did was send an e-mail to a woman who does transformations and also offers informal counseling. I used to look at the pictures on her website of the people she'd feminized and wish it were possible for me to have her do the same to me, but of course I never could, because of the risk of exposure--if it was even 1 in 100,000, that was too much. Even writing the e-mail, I thought of it as just a way to express my true feelings to another human being for the first time ever; I had no intention of making an appointment. But the letter she wrote back was so warm and welcoming that I decided to make an appointment for counseling over the phone. She wrote back, "Everyone feels the way you do at first. Let's not do this over the phone. Please come in." And I did. Dressed as macho as I could! After about 15 minutes there, she asked me a question to which I answered, "I knew by the time I was 12 I wanted to be a girl." I could hardly believe those words came out of my mouth!! Since then, it's been one milestone after another, a long series of doing things that I never thought I would dare to--first trip to the mall, first visit to an endo, first time to a salon, telling my wife!!! And ahead of me now is what I view as easily the greatest challenge yet--coming out to the world. Well, most of the world I can handle. It's my 24 year old daughter and 23 year old son (and mostly my son) that worry me. Both are very pro-transgender (my daughter, almost militantly so), but this is different--I'm their dad. I've already read accounts from many of you who have faced or are currently facing this same hurdle and I have drawn some strength from them. I hope to benefit from talking to many more of you in the days ahead. Thank you again for welcoming me to your wonderful group!
Stephanie
