Is this my journey?

[anna.changing]

I'm back... well a lot has happened since I last posted. After many months and years of back and forward on the relationship front my marriage ended about a year ago. I moved out and many of the stress levels of life faded away. Much of my gender dysphoria faded too, and I just subtly repressed the feelings of dysphoria that didn't fade and pretended that they weren't there (The rose coloured glasses are strong with this one).

It seems that at times I'm quite good at ignoring my dysphoric feelings, at least for a while.  Over the last year outwardly I've lived the life of a normal guy.  Gone to work, looked after my children, and done some dating.  I'm pretty lucky to have some means, a good job, and women seem to think I'm attractive because I'm friendly, thoughtful, and can emotionally connect, as well as being super good looking. OMG – almost like a good looking guy girlfriend would be, lol.  I enjoy the idea of a relationship, but I think the stress of my own expectations of being the man in the relationship subtly builds up stress as I consciously and unconsciously repress the less traditional aspects of my internal gender identity. I dated one amazing & beautiful women for quite a while this year, but that ended for two main reasons. 1) her future dreams involved more family & mine didn't (this was the obvious reason), 2) my stress levels were sneaking up & up and it wasn't until after we moved apart that the gender dysphoria really poured out and I started to realise that repressing my gender expression may have been causing the background increase in stress levels over the last few months.

So where to from here.  I want to start on hormones again, but I wonder if I should just wait a few weeks and see how I feel.  I've started and stopped about 4 times over the years, but this would be the first time that I won't have a marriage hanging over my head to worry about.  For me the decision point now is what to do long term.  I have a rough plan in my head and think I could do hormones for a couple of years, and hopefully the changes will be positive.  What if they're not though?  I am really scared of getting stuck in transition and failing to get to a place where I'm comfortable going out in public as a woman.  Or what if I'm not really transgendered and all these problems of the last decades are just fake in my head. I know I've been diagnosed by multiple therapists as having Gender Dysphoria, but what if they are wrong. I really want to start down the path of becoming a woman, but I'm also super scared about getting it wrong.  There have been so many times when I've been able to bury my dysphoria in the past, what if I'm successful at burying it the next time.  I think I need a friend to help me on the journey, but I don't want to stuff more people's lives up.  Please help me.

[Kirsteneklund7]

I'm back... well a lot has happened since I last posted. After many months and years of back and forward on the relationship front my marriage ended about a year ago. I moved out and many of the stress levels of life faded away. Much of my gender dysphoria faded too, and I just subtly repressed the feelings of dysphoria that didn't fade and pretended that they weren't there (The rose coloured glasses are strong with this one).

It seems that at times I'm quite good at ignoring my dysphoric feelings, at least for a while.  Over the last year outwardly I've lived the life of a normal guy.  Gone to work, looked after my children, and done some dating.  I'm pretty lucky to have some means, a good job, and women seem to think I'm attractive because I'm friendly, thoughtful, and can emotionally connect, as well as being super good looking. OMG – almost like a good looking guy girlfriend would be, lol.  I enjoy the idea of a relationship, but I think the stress of my own expectations of being the man in the relationship subtly builds up stress as I consciously and unconsciously repress the less traditional aspects of my internal gender identity. I dated one amazing & beautiful women for quite a while this year, but that ended for two main reasons. 1) her future dreams involved more family & mine didn't (this was the obvious reason), 2) my stress levels were sneaking up & up and it wasn't until after we moved apart that the gender dysphoria really poured out and I started to realise that repressing my gender expression may have been causing the background increase in stress levels over the last few months.

So where to from here.  I want to start on hormones again, but I wonder if I should just wait a few weeks and see how I feel.  I've started and stopped about 4 times over the years, but this would be the first time that I won't have a marriage hanging over my head to worry about.  For me the decision point now is what to do long term.  I have a rough plan in my head and think I could do hormones for a couple of years, and hopefully the changes will be positive.  What if they're not though?  I am really scared of getting stuck in transition and failing to get to a place where I'm comfortable going out in public as a woman.  Or what if I'm not really transgendered and all these problems of the last decades are just fake in my head. I know I've been diagnosed by multiple therapists as having Gender Dysphoria, but what if they are wrong. I really want to start down the path of becoming a woman, but I'm also super scared about getting it wrong.  There have been so many times when I've been able to bury my dysphoria in the past, what if I'm successful at burying it the next time.  I think I need a friend to help me on the journey, but I don't want to stuff more people's lives up.  Please help me.

Formulate a plan to get on HRT for a year as a proper test. Just express yourself naturally and authentically. Dont let the internal conflict build like we always do. HRT wont force you to transition but you may want to!
I personally got sick of the internal conflict maintaining an invulnerable male facade. HRT + feminine expression as required relieves the pressure. I haven't even transitioned after a couple of years but life is good.
Kind regards,  Kirsten.

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[anna.changing]

Formulate a plan to get on HRT for a year as a proper test. Just express yourself naturally and authentically. Dont let the internal conflict build like we always do. HRT wont force you to transition but you may want to!
I personally got sick of the internal conflict maintaining an invulnerable male facade. HRT + feminine expression as required relieves the pressure. I haven't even transitioned after a couple of years but life is good.

Thanks very much for the kind encouragement Kirsten.  I really needed to hear a friendly voice. 
Hugs Anna

[Kirsteneklund7]

Thanks very much for the kind encouragement Kirsten.  I really needed to hear a friendly voice. 
Hugs Anna

Anytime Anna.

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[KathyLauren]

Hi, Anna!

I know I've been diagnosed by multiple therapists as having Gender Dysphoria, but what if they are wrong. I really want to start down the path of becoming a woman, but I'm also super scared about getting it wrong.

I understand the doubts you are feeling.  Those doubts ruled my life for decades! 

It is unlikely that one gender therapist could diagnose gender dysphoria and be wrong about it.  If multiple therapists all agree on the diagnosis, they are not wrong.

You can't get it wrong.  There is no right way to transition.  Everyone's path is different.  So it follows that there is no wrong way. 

Well, there is one wrong way, and that is if you are not true to yourself.

[AnamethatstartswithE]

I enjoy the idea of a relationship, but I think the stress of my own expectations of being the man in the relationship subtly builds up stress as I consciously and unconsciously repress the less traditional aspects of my internal gender identity.

This sort of thing is what pushed me to actually try transitioning.I was so uncomfortable being "the man" in a relationship, and it stressed me out so much, that I realized that it was taking every ounce of effort I had to be a crummy boyfriend.

[anna.changing]

Hi, Anna!
...
You can't get it wrong.  There is no right way to transition.  Everyone's path is different.  So it follows that there is no wrong way. 

Well, there is one wrong way, and that is if you are not true to yourself.

Hi KathyLauren

Thanks so much for the feedback. Being consistently true to myself has been my biggest challenge to date. I feel like this time though I might have passed a bit of a milestone.  I am determined to find the right support locally and start to walk down my path toward whatever womanhood looks like for me.

Looking in the mirror I struggle to see myself, but I feel faint glimmers of hope, and an encouraged by the wonderful men & women sharing their stories here. 

For those looking for inspiration, or support, I will keep posting in this thread and share my journey in the hope that someone else is as encouraged as I have been by the many that share here.

The next step for me is seeing my doctor after Christmas and starting on hormones again.  I'm looking forward to adding a ticker to my postings soon.

Thanks
Anna

[anna.changing]

This sort of thing is what pushed me to actually try transitioning.I was so uncomfortable being "the man" in a relationship, and it stressed me out so much, that I realized that it was taking every ounce of effort I had to be a crummy boyfriend.

Hi AnamethatstartswithE, thanks for your message

I didn't realise how much effort & stress not being me again was taking until it got to almost boiling point.  I'm sure there will be challenges down the path to my womanhood, but at least I'm being honest with myself.

I love signing my messages.  Off and on, I've called myself Anna for a few years now.  It's the little things like that that bring joy to life.

Hugs
Anna

[anna.changing]

Hi

Well I'm booked in to see my doctor in the morning and hopefully start on hormones again.  I think this will be the fourth start for me.  Two of the last three times I was only on hormones for 5-6 weeks and then I started feeling better and thinking that I had GD sorted and would be able to stop.  Well, clearly that worked out really well
From the last two times the main changes I noticed was an almost instant sense of peace that came on in the first few days.  I felt like I'd been wrapped in a glorious cocoon of cotton wool and sunshine. I also noticed something different about my knees very early on.  It's almost like the joints relax a little and I feel a sence of warmth in them, and of course after two or three weeks I'd notice a slight difference in how my skin feels. I guess that may sound a bit odd to people that haven't experienced a change in hormones, but that's how it was for me.

On the very first time on hormones (about 10 years ago) I took them for about 3 months and experienced the above effects, but also changes in how some foods tasted. I seemed to notice the flavours more, especially with fruit and veges.  I also had the start of some small breast buds that first time. Only very small, but I can still feel them today and my little micro-A's have helped me feel a little feminine over the years when I was struggling.  On that occasion I stopped to save a marriage, but in the end that unfortunately hasn't worked out, so this time I'm in a much more independent place to just let me be me.

Well, fingers crossed for tomorrow and I look forward to staying on hormones a lot longer than a few weeks this time.

Much love to all
Anna

[anna.changing]

Well, Day One has started. Back from the doctors and have started hormones...

What will happen? How will I feel again? How long will I last (I hope forever)? What will happen with my job, friends, going out in public?. And thoughts of a hundred other things race through my mind. I'm so thankful that I have a place to share my thoughts here.

I'm mostly lucky on the home front (other than my marriage which ended a year ago), I came out to other family a few years ago, and know they are mostly accepting. So from here on it's up to me to make my real life a success and to no longer hide in the 5 o'clock shadows of a mans world, but to be truly me and let myself be free.

Love to all
Anna

[Lynne]

... then I started feeling better and thinking that I had GD sorted and would be able to stop.  Well, clearly that worked out really well ...

Well, Day One has started. Back from the doctors and have started hormones...

What will happen? How will I feel again? How long will I last (I hope forever)? What will happen with my job, friends, going out in public?. And thoughts of a hundred other things race through my mind. I'm so thankful that I have a place to share my thoughts here.

I'm mostly lucky on the home front (other than my marriage which ended a year ago), I came out to other family a few years ago, and know they are mostly accepting. So from here on it's up to me to make my real life a success and to no longer hide in the 5 o'clock shadows of a mans world, but to be truly me and let myself be free.

Love to all
Anna

I can very much relate to the feeling 'better and thinking I'm over it' train of thought. I don't even need HRT for that, a longer holiday is enough when I can be me. Starting to feel better, getting used to the situation and thinking I don't really need this, I'm fine. And then comes the first day after the holiday presenting as a male and I'm almost crying when I see all the women just living their lives.

Don't overthink this, I know from experience that it doesn't lead to much good. Just try to stick with it, one day at a time, one problem at a time, you will get through it.

Sometimes on good days I can catch a glimpse of a cheerful, smiling girl in the mirror. And then I have this feeling, that this is how I should normally be, not the grumpy zombie I'm slowly becoming. If you feel that transition can make the bad feelings go away then that's the path you should follow without stopping this time.

[anna.changing]

...
Don't overthink this, I know from experience that it doesn't lead to much good. Just try to stick with it, one day at a time, one problem at a time, you will get through it.

Sometimes on good days I can catch a glimpse of a cheerful, smiling girl in the mirror. And then I have this feeling, that this is how I should normally be, not the grumpy zombie I'm slowly becoming. If you feel that transition can make the bad feelings go away then that's the path you should follow without stopping this time.

Hi Lynne, and thanks for your lovely words. I'm really enjoying day one, and looking forward to tomorrow.

Hugs
Anna

[Artistic_Gene]

Or what if I'm not really transgendered and all these problems of the last decades are just fake in my head. I know I've been diagnosed by multiple therapists as having Gender Dysphoria, but what if they are wrong. I really want to start down the path of becoming a woman, but I'm also super scared about getting it wrong.  There have been so many times when I've been able to bury my dysphoria in the past, what if I'm successful at burying it the next time.  I think I need a friend to help me on the journey, but I don't want to stuff more people's lives up.  Please help me.

Whoa, this all sounds familiar in a sense. I was worried about getting it wrong too, and I think so has most transgender people I've met. It's a big change and it's okay to feel overwhelmed by it all, even if it's the fourth or fifth time around. I'm starting a second round of HRT after stopping a few years back (I stopped partly because of blood thickening on T and partly because I got scared and decided to stop to feel it out). I got that same "stuck in transition" feeling because after two and a half years of T, no one was seeing me as masculine at all. I felt like maybe I'd made a mistake.

However, I've been talking to a gender therapist again and have been reaching out to trans and nonbinary folks (good on ya for reaching out here! It's a good step to take) and it's been clearing up a lot for me lately. I've been feeling more confident about re-engaging with my gender journey, and am working on not caring if others see me as a man, woman, both, neither, or whatever. It's a process, and I'm so glad you shared this part of it with us so we can share encouraging words with you.

[anna.changing]

Whoa, this all sounds familiar in a sense. I was worried about getting it wrong too, ...

However, I've been talking to a gender therapist again and have been reaching out to trans and nonbinary folks (good on ya for reaching out here! It's a good step to take) and it's been clearing up a lot for me lately. I've been feeling more confident about re-engaging with my gender journey, and am working on not caring if others see me as a man, woman, both, neither, or whatever. It's a process, and I'm so glad you shared this part of it with us so we can share encouraging words with you.

Hi Artistic_Gene
Thanks very much for your message.  I really appreciate the encouragement. 

I've also reached out to a local trans advocacy group and firmed up some of my plans for the year ahead. Yesterday was the first time ever I've thrown out some guy clothes. I've also come out to a close friend, and am planning to come out again to my closest friends and family over the next week or so

With the lessons learnt from the last year I've come to a place of more acceptance of myself as a (trans)woman.  So after dithering for such a long time I'm really starting to look forward to the transition journey ahead.  No doubt there will be some ups and downs, and the final destination is a little unknown, but I'm excited to be moving forward again. 

Hugs to you
Anna

[anna.changing]

Well week one on the 'mones, and the super bliss and warm cocoon feeling of the first few days has eased back to a nice background feeling of calm & rightness.  I noticed that around day 3 & 4 my legs felt very weak walking up steps, and energy levels in general were very low, but today it seems like they are more or less normal again.  I guess some of that experience might be an initial hormonal adjustment ( but I'm not a doc, so just sharing my impressions ). 

The main thing I notice at this point is slightly less oily skin, the general sense of calm, and I could swear the heat in certain parts of my body is also slightly less than normal.  I had some very small breast nodules form when on hormones another time, & I've noticed a very slight itch there in the last couple of days.   Nothing at all like the tenderness from last time, but hopefully it's a good sign that something is happening. On one hand I worry that hormones will do nothing for me, and then on the other hand I worry I'll end up with EE boobs in 3 months (lol). I know that's a bit silly but, I worry, therefore I am,  lol  

On the social front I've been talking to a couple of family members (specifically parents) and letting them know where I'm at and where I'm planning to go. I was freaking out most of the day after having sent a long message to them, and then when I finally talked to them it was all OK.  No lecture, or negativity, but some words of love for me which was awesome.  They would rather it wasn't happening, but they have seen the effect on me over the years and so I'm blessed that I have their loving acceptance. 

I have some more disclosures planned for the coming week so hopefully they go OK.  As this is a kind of re-coming out, I'm not quite as nervous as I was originally, but it's still super nerve wracking telling people you're on a path to change gender. 

Hugs to all
Anna

[Kirsteneklund7]

Anna in all your E experience did you find the hormone makes you more interested in family.?
On natural T I found the tendency was to be isolationist and not miss (extended)family when they werent around.
 
Now on E Im more sentimental and enjoy extended  family and interacting with others in general.

Kind regards, Kirsten.

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[anna.changing]

Anna in all your E experience did you find the hormone makes you more interested in family.?
On natural T I found the tendency was to be isolationist and not miss (extended)family when they werent around.
 
Now on E Im more sentimental and enjoy extended  family and interacting with others in general.

Hi Kirsten

I'm certain it makes a difference for me.  The combination of being mentally and spiritually more authentic, and with the calming effect of E helps me feel more connected to the world around me in a number of different ways. 

I feel more settled, so I'm more comfortable to sit and talk, or sit and play, and I don't feel like I have to run out the door and do something as my anxiety levels are lower.  Just facing up to my inner self also helps me as when I'm openly sharing with my loved ones I feel much happier connecting with them.  For too long I held my feelings back, and ended up being isolationist at times too. 


Hugs Anna

[Myranda]

I'm back... well a lot has happened since I last posted. After many months and years of back and forward on the relationship front my marriage ended about a year ago. I moved out and many of the stress levels of life faded away. Much of my gender dysphoria faded too, and I just subtly repressed the feelings of dysphoria that didn't fade and pretended that they weren't there (The rose coloured glasses are strong with this one).

It seems that at times I'm quite good at ignoring my dysphoric feelings, at least for a while.  Over the last year outwardly I've lived the life of a normal guy.  Gone to work, looked after my children, and done some dating.  I'm pretty lucky to have some means, a good job, and women seem to think I'm attractive because I'm friendly, thoughtful, and can emotionally connect, as well as being super good looking. OMG – almost like a good looking guy girlfriend would be, lol.  I enjoy the idea of a relationship, but I think the stress of my own expectations of being the man in the relationship subtly builds up stress as I consciously and unconsciously repress the less traditional aspects of my internal gender identity. I dated one amazing & beautiful women for quite a while this year, but that ended for two main reasons. 1) her future dreams involved more family & mine didn't (this was the obvious reason), 2) my stress levels were sneaking up & up and it wasn't until after we moved apart that the gender dysphoria really poured out and I started to realise that repressing my gender expression may have been causing the background increase in stress levels over the last few months.

So where to from here.  I want to start on hormones again, but I wonder if I should just wait a few weeks and see how I feel.  I've started and stopped about 4 times over the years, but this would be the first time that I won't have a marriage hanging over my head to worry about.  For me the decision point now is what to do long term.  I have a rough plan in my head and think I could do hormones for a couple of years, and hopefully the changes will be positive.  What if they're not though?  I am really scared of getting stuck in transition and failing to get to a place where I'm comfortable going out in public as a woman.  Or what if I'm not really transgendered and all these problems of the last decades are just fake in my head. I know I've been diagnosed by multiple therapists as having Gender Dysphoria, but what if they are wrong. I really want to start down the path of becoming a woman, but I'm also super scared about getting it wrong.  There have been so many times when I've been able to bury my dysphoria in the past, what if I'm successful at burying it the next time.  I think I need a friend to help me on the journey, but I don't want to stuff more people's lives up.  Please help me.

So much of what you said here is exactly what I have been feeling for the past 2 years, and especially these past few months after Is topped my HRT at the beginning of the summer when I started dating.

I feel that my repressing it and diving into the new relationship just ultimately came pouring back out again, and I really need to get back on my Estrogen.  I felt alot calmer and more at peace and comfortable.  I was taking it without really thinking about it, it was just a part of me and felt natural and completely normal.