Quote from: AnamethatstartswithE on January 14, 2019, 08:44:23 PM
As per the beginning of this entire thread, I was assigned male at birth. Growing up I got the message loud and clear that someone like me liking boys was bad and wrong, and only broken, bad people did that. As I've transitioned I've found that not only am I attracted to women as I always knew, I'm also attracted to guys. However, since I was raised with "Me liking boys = bad" I internalized this and it still affects my thinking. Now, this is not the only reason I am hesitant to start exploring this side of my sexuality. Fertility is something that does concern me, if I end up with a woman then we could have biological children (I preserved fertility before starting HRT) with a man this would be more difficult. Furthermore, at the risk of TMI the sorts of things I could do with the "equipment" I have right now aren't all that arousing to me. However, the internalized homophobia is something I want to get rid of because I don't like having the kinds of attitudes that hurt so many people rattling around in my brain.
I also have internalized transphobia, I constantly have to fight the idea that I'm some sort of burden, and that asking "normal" people to accept me is unreasonable. When I see visibly trans women I will get this weird fear that she'll "give the rest of us a bad name." Acting out these roles is very harmful for us, and I want to be sure I'm not reinforcing them.
I'm assuming that this is something that gets better with time, but if anyone has any techniques on fixing this let me know.
I did many things that would have earned me the ire and angst from my male peers and some Family. My Dad was not much of a Family man. He was not mean spirited, foul, ill-tempered or missing. He was just there. I was the youngest of his second set of children and he was nearly 20 years my Mom's senior. By the time that I rolled around, Family life began to become benign to him. My Mother always babied me. However, she was never slow to scold. She knew that I played with girls mostly and we played house, dolls, and the odd dress-up. However, at home, I was all "boy". When I was younger, I would pull one of her bras out of the dresser drawer and ask where was mine and why didn't I have one. She would always just blurt out an abrupt answer, never explaining. She did catch me literally coming out of the closet. My Dad had received a pair of "Manty Hose" from Spencer's Gifts as a gag present. In one of my many junkets of exploring thru my Mother's clothes, I came across it. At that time, I knew that panty hose was made for women. So I wanted to try them out. I was a literal kid, so I took "Manty Hose" as an actual clothing item for men. So when my Mother went to see what all the rustling around in her closet was, out I pop sporting me some rather fetching Manty Hose! She tried to hide her laughing while scolding me take them off. She had a hard time explaining what they were when I told her, "Momma, I like them. Why can't I wear them? They even have a place for my manhood to fit." I always called my penis my "manhood" till I hit puberty. Not sure if that means anything. She never spoke to me again about that. It left me more confused as she did not really scold me to have me feel that it was "inappropriate", nor did she give any inclination that it was OK. I was really beginning to understand what it was like to feel left blowing in the wind.
Note: I later learned that panty hose were not just for women, that men used them for various reasons. My Scout Master would wear them on long hikes to wick the sweat off the legs so that the cotton boot socks would not get soaked in the Summer heat. Some of the boys would go "Ooh, yuck, that's girl stuff!" I was like, "Neat, I did not know that."
As for your perception of inside homophobia, don't sweat it. You are you and have no reason to conform your life based on the perceptions of others. You can't please everybody. Trying to only serves to hurt yourself.
"To thine own self, be true."
From what I have learned in the past couple of years is that there is no cookie cutter Transgender out there. As we were talking on another thread, the medical community is on an ebb and flow with the terminology as they develop a broader understanding of Transsexualism. When you throw the list of further terms and beliefs from the Trans community and the greater LGB crowd, it can get confusing, a somewhat daunting task for us discovering ourselves and those transitioning. Just think how confusing it is to the lay person, who may or may not even know a Trans person. There is always that atypical person in any group, including Trans Folk. Yes they are presenting an erroneous view of us, but they don't represent anyone but themselves. Ask yourself this, "Who represents the typical American?" Answer: No one!
Just be yourself. Be true to yourself. Feel how you want on the inside. Let it reflect how you want on the outside. Life is too short to worry about putting on a show for others. If anyone has a problem with that, just move on. There are 6 billion more people in the world that you can choose to associate with.
There is bias in every single group. It comes in all sorts of forms and fashion. It is called, human nature.
