Is It Really Being Selfish?

[MelissaAnn]

On October 1st, 2014 I started my transition. Leading up to that day I had developed a close friendship with a gentleman that works at the front desk in the building I live in. After about a month and a half into my transition or friendship fell apart and became very contentious at best. Neither one of us talked very well of the other. I wondered what happened because I was very close to him and in the very beginning of my transition, I leaned on him a lot.
In my mind, I was telling myself it was because I was getting so much attention from the residents and he was jealous of me. Day after day or friendship disintegrated into contempt on my part. I blamed him for it all because, after all, I was telling myself that I was the same person on the inside. But that wasn't true.   
I have come to realize something. I wasn't the same person. I became very selfish. I was mean and if someone didn't agree with me or said something I deemed out of line, I went on the offensive. I truly became a self-centered bitch. Steve (not his real name) did call me out on it. But I didn't hear what he was truly saying. I didn't want to hear it. Afterall I had found myself and I was hell bent on my transition and at that time didn't care who I left in the wake.
Here is the thing and I see so clearly now. I needed to become very selfish for myself and to get through the beginning of my transition. The beginning was not easy for me at all. I had no one in person who was transitioning or had transitioned to lean on or help me go out for the first time. No one to go shopping with. No one to help develop my style with. I delved deep into Facebook support groups and Susan's place for support.
Delving in deep like I did left very little room for anyone in person. My old friendships were strained to their absolute limits and some broke. I do have some regrets about this now. I ask myself now was I just to selfish? I just don't know, and it's impossible for me to answer now.
After thinking about this for a while I approached Steve and told him I missed our friendship and asked if we could put everything in the past. He said he missed our friendship also and we are moving forward.
The growth in who I am is nothing short of amazing. My experiences over the past 4-1/2 years have changed me forever. Embracing your true self is the key and a whole lot easier to say than to do. I speak to a lot of people in this community and have learned so much as I have tried helping others. I am always searching now for a deeper meaning and understanding of myself and life. I understand now just how selfish a transition is, but it is necessary. More importantly I have learned that people are reacting more to what I put out than anything else. Which means to me if I want to attract deep friendships I have to give to those friendships. To Steve, I say I am truly sorry and hope we can become the friends we once were...!

[Northern Star Girl]

@MelissaAnn
Dear Melissa:
Thank you for sharing your story regarding some of the details of your first 4 years of transition.

A lot of members here, including myself, can identify with some of what you were experiencing with our own previous friends and with our mental attitude.....   blame it on the HORMONES and the turmoil that transition can bring into our lives... everything is changing and people around us that we know can react in dramatically different ways toward us and not always in pleasant and accepting ways.   

Many of my pre-transition long time friends are no longer friends and I have had unfortunate and non-accepting responses from family and loved ones.   My visit back "home" over the Christmas holidays revealed that some of that is starting to get a little better but still not back to the way I would want it to be.

We have to realize that we are not the same person any longer in a lot of ways, not just visually but also with our actions, attitude and interfacing with others.  Those that "knew" us before can have a difficult time with our changes and that can be somewhat understandable.

Hang in there, girl.....   we are in this for the long run.   I hope that your friendship with Steve and others can improve and be restored.

Thank you for sharing and posting your heartfelt thoughts.
We are your biggest fans and are always rooting for you.

I am always wishing you well...
Hugs, and more hugs
Danielle

[Melinda@heart]

It is so great to see someone who realizes that the way they acted was to blaim and to take responsibility for it! Kudos.

This gives me hope that some of us humans can take the time reflect on our actions and reactions to others and hopefully be an example to others.

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