Hey,
So my journey to transition started September of 2013. Little did I know how amazing the journey would be in good and bad ways. Many tears shed and years later and here I am. Fully transformed into a woman with all the wonderful and difficult things that come with that.
I was fortunate to have money for FFS and SRS and body shaping... and I have my own business and could work from home. My transition was about as easy as it can get but even so was difficult to navigate.
Wanting desperately to be seen as female I hated it when someone would mis gender me and even today those who know me from the past can slip up. I sound perfectly female..and pass totally so it always bugs me. At one point I thought I should take a pic of my vagina and if someone goofs hand them that as a shock factor.. LOL..
So anyway it does not bother me now. I get it.. I am strong enough to not let it get me down for long... just kind of makes me realize that they actually miss the person I was.. that died.
My previous spouse, my soulmate just sold her house that we had that was actually my childhood home and married and moved away.
I mourned this and became very depressed. I quit taking anti depressants about 8 months ago and should not have stopped. I started back again and has made a big difference in my ability to function.
I actually became a bit suicidal because although I have two wonderful kids and a bunch of children I had been married 32 years and feel so alone.
The loss of your past life can be traumatic. I am very sentimental about everything. Although happy to be normal now in my body I lost a hell of a lot when I lost my marriage.
Thing is you are so excited to transition you don't care at the time. I became very selfish which we have a right to do but it was all about me.
Now that the dust settled I was able to mourn deeply what I lost. I cried deeply with sorrow I have never known over the last three months. I looked back at my decision and that is why I am writing this to you and others now.
Without proper therapy and knowing myself well I think I don't think I would be here today.
I know I made the right decision but that is only through therapy and a lot of thought about the decision to transition.
For me I lost a really amazing marriage that was a happy one except for my hidden issue I lived with all my life.
I hurt my spouse so much and I now know the pain she suffered and the fear she endured.
And I never wanted to ever let anyone hurt her and would have given my life to protect her... But then I hurt her so much.. I carry guilt over it and always will.
So, transition is a serious matter to consider. You must take it seriously. Get all the facts. Be ready to face the consequences good and bad.
I would never go back to being a male.... NEVER.. but I do live with the past bad ass me.
My decision was a do or die one. I was done living as a male.. I hated it.
Now that I am female though its like no big deal actually.. I am just me and that is a good thing.
I don't wake up wishing I was someone else. I was re born.
The old me died and the real me lives. That is a good thing.. but getting there was a long process.
Good luck to you all. I don't get on Susan's much anymore.. I was a regular for years under a different name.
This was not meant to scare you just meant to help you navigate all that goes into transition. Therapy for me was a life saver.. and I started going again and it helps me.
LOVE
KB
