I sent this e-mail to my mother about 4 months ago hoping that it would explain everything... she refuses to talk about me, changing the subject... I also sent it to my closest friends whom ,including my mother, already knew because I came out to them all a few months earlier... When I came out to my mother she said she wasn't surprised at all nor did she really react when I told her... Her behavior confuses me... here is the e-mail I send out,
"In this e-mail I have added some links to various websites containing information and different resources on the subject of Transsexualism and related topics. The overall purpose of this e-mail is to shine some light on who I am and why I act the way I do a lot of times, mainly referring to being perpetually pissed off and depressed. It is up to you if you want to read the information contained in this e-mail.
First off, what is Transsexualism? Well, Transsexualism refers to the condition when some one believes they are and should be a member of the opposite gender. This condition is described by the medical community as being a psychological disorder for which there is only one real treatment. The standard treatment for Transsexualism is known as "transitioning", where the afflicted assume the role of their correct gender through consoling, hormone replacement therapy and eventually sexual reassignment surgery. The process of transitioning can take several years and be a major strain on ones self and the people closest to you .
Secondly, What are the symptoms of Transsexual behavior? The symptoms usually begin in early child hood , however not in all cases, there have been cases where an individual came to terms with who he or she is later on in life. In my case I knew something wasn't quite right from an early age since I knew the difference between boys and girls, this is very common among members of the Transgender community. Growing up I began cross dressing and assuming the mannerisms and behavior of a young girl when I was alone. Other symptoms include constant depression, isolation, in ability to preform in social environments, anger towards everything and the insatiable desire and drive to make things right within ones self. I did as a lot of people in the same situation do, I suppressed most of the feelings and desires because they did not fit with what I was taught to be based on my physical sex. Most people reach a point where they can no longer contain these feelings and they begin to lose control of them, this is where a lot of people discover who they really are. After discovering some people decide to keep things hidden and locked away.
Now I will shed some light on my psyche. I have for the longest time known something wasn't right, but I could never quite put my finger on it until about 6 months ago when I decided to do some reading. I have leaned a lot about myself and who I am in such a short about of time. I will now share some of that information. For as long as I can remember I have always been ashamed of my body and who I am, this is evident from my refusal to change in front of people especially at school in P.E. class. Often I would have to sit on the bleachers or walk the track because I would purposely forget my gym clothes. I was the only one in my class to fail P.E. class. I would refuse to change not only because I was ashamed of my body (still am) but because I thought some of the guys in my class were cute and I was embarrassed. This still continues to this day, I hate changing and or trying on clothes around people even if they are my own family. RAWR! its so frustrating! I hate being around women because I get jealous of them and what they have, that jealousness then turns to depression. I know you have to be thinking "what about when you dated Krystal, Aubree and Erica?
!!". Ok, when I dated Krystal I wasn't quite so bad in that I found something that could help me bury the war inside me, this is true for all my relationships. Although I did not realize it at the time I was dating Krystal, I did realize it when I was dating Aubree and that is what ultimately destroyed our relationship. Here's how, When I realized that I could forget about all the desires and feelings by concentrating on her, I became obsessed with her and us, to the point that you could compare it to some one addicted to cocaine. I would do anything to be with her at all times, I would get upset when she wouldn't call. I would call her several times in the span of a few hours wanting to know what was up. I eventually got so bad that I was snapping at and taking it out on my family. After our relationship ended I met Erica, I quickly became obsessed with her because I was looking for some one to concentrate on to bury my depression and confusion. So after things didn't work out with Erica I decided to face my self and stop running. Erica, Aubree and I are all close friends still and I am glad that I am able to maintain a friendship with them.
Finally, What am I doing about this? I am taking baby steps right now just trying to come to grips with me. This e-mail is a step in the right direction. I know what direction I must take now based on research and observations I have made. I have been told by some people that I seem to be a lot happier after I came out of the proverbial "closet" to them, these people are very close to me and I trust their input. I am also putting funds aside for a Therapist and other helpful resources.
Links to resource pages:
https://www.susans.org/index.html - Susan's Place is a collection of resources for all types of Transgender resources, there is a section for significant others, family and friends on the mane page and also in the forums and chat.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gender_identity_disorder - Wikipedia reference "
Just looking for some helpful input. ~ Danyelle
