Hello all. I am Zetsumei, a post 30's amab mtf. Ive lurked for a month or 2 now while i explored my motivations and who I am, thank you to all who have freely shared on this site, it has been helpful to me. Im uncertain where to begin....Ive felt like i should be a girl since I was a child, my parents are everything phobic so that wouldnt stand and somewhere along the way i began blending in like a champion. I only dared to dream of being my true self dueing moments of self gratification and actual dreams. As i grew older i repressed those thouguts more and more striving to be a 'real man'. This left me feeling hollow and confused. I became obsessed with milestones, if i found a girlfriend id be whole, if we were married id be whole, once im a father id be whole...
But, while i was happy it was....marred. Like i was numbed and couldnt feel that happiness. For a long time those moments of self gratification and later sex itself always left me feeling empty, like something was missing. I thought maybe my expectations were too high, maybe sex doesnt have any meaningful sensation tied to it. I finally stopped being a hypocrit and lookex hard at my life, my lifetime of yearning to be a woman, the sadness ahwn i awoke from a dream where I was one only to recall I was a male, how I loved so many clothing options for women and hated every option i could choose from without fear of judgement.
Ive met with a doctor for HRT just this past week and sitting there, speaking who i truthfully am outloud felt right. Like a burden was gone, like i was accepted as me. My wife knew ahead of time and wqs good with it, supportive. But when i told her how the appointment went, she panicked, it hit home. She is a cis gender female, mother of my children and my wife, she feared how this defines her. After much talking (and poor initial reaction from me, i thought we had covered all this previously) we've covered the matter.
Due to concerns towards my wifes right to happiness like my own and job considerations (Im a counselor working with a population who are not too welcoming to trans individuals and cannot outwardly present at this time) we did decide to pursue HRT but bottom surgery and facial is out and I am going to attempt long time stealthing, fortunately i have a beard. My only concern is that in doing so I'm being false to my identity, betraying the trans community in some manner by trying to sneak past others and removing the strength atanding together brings. I understand i may wish to one day fully transition but I'll cope on that day, I am unwilling to compromise my wifes happiness for the pursuit of my own and any desires that may I will process as I reach them.
