A Good Moment

[Jeal]

I had a hard day yesterday, tried again with my extremely codependent, extremely toxic parents. Wanted to try and re establish a connection - coming out has given me so much enthusiasm I thought I could even heal our breach.

Same old guilt, shame, and crazy making tag team. It was horrible, but, that sort of showdown would have left me depressed for weeks. I came home tonight after work, exhausted. I sat and painted, and in a daze the face that came out was me. Me, as a woman, but looking like me. Still masculine.Still a woman.

In the past. weeks I have been hemming and hawing about HRT. I thought maybe if I could accept myself like this it would mean I didn't have to go there. True self acceptance. The funny thing is, now I just know that HRT is right. I COULD accept myself as I am right now, but I don't want to.

Probably not my final doubts, but it is a good moment

[KathyLauren]

Hi, Jeal.  Sorry to hear that your parents gave you a hard time.  But it sounds like your painting therapy has given you renewed energy and optimism.  Self-awareness and self-acceptance are good things to find!

[pamelatransuk]

Jael

Sorry to hear about the continued clash with your parents.

Delighted however that you see yourself mentally and literally as the woman you are.

Hugs

Pamela

[Athenajacob]

What is the source of codependency? That might be something to look at from your point of view as to what you gain from the relationship with your parents. My mother was very codependent on me (told me inappropriate things about her love life, was always needing my help finding things, etc.) and my father just wasn't ever around (I was adopted my a step parent with whom I still talk but have an awkward relationship, he has some anger issues).

I ended up very codependent on my grandparents and leaving that relationship was a very harrowing experience (my grandfather died very unpleasantly and my grandmother attacked me with attorneys for a while); I never came out to them out of fear of reprisal but was able to rekindle with my grandmother before she passed.

I don't know the road you have had with your parents, but I imagine for them it may be a bit bizarre of an experience they cannot wrap their heads around—my mother was strangely very accepting (although we had a ten year relationship hiatus that helped build perspective for us both), but does not think I should actually need to transition (we haven broached the topic since I told her I was transgender). As you may recall, my wife is completely amiss with the "why" of this whole thing.

That said, parental relationships are often fraught and in our case our being is perplexing to many. It sounds like you have healthy coping mechanisms that are helping you, and I would focus on those and helping yourself be yourself. Yes thet's cliche being expressed here, but I am starting to see its true merit as time goes on. I don't understand why I am as I am, but I know I am. Society is the main stumbling block and I feel we live in a much less enlightened time than I believed as an idealistic child; but ce est la vie of a jaded adult, spouse and parent (as a I recall you are as well).

Perhaps you need a little distance from your parents? I don't know the details of things between you, but perhaps they need a minute to process as you continue to discover yourself?

Somehow things will be ok because we simply are what we regardless of what others believe.

Warmly,

Athena

[Jeal]

Thank you Kathy, Pamela and Athena for your comforting words and perspective.  After two days of very hurtful back and forth I found some closure for myself.  They agreed to do family counseling after I transition (although I have to say I think it was a ploy to get me to stop asking), but I feel like I have been holding on to a lot of anger at them and I can see clearly that they really don't/can't see how they are acting hurtfully.

In fact, I think it must be rather like the denial I was so enmeshed in over being transgender; that knowing, always on the periphery of your awareness, causing you pain but you are too terrified to acknowledge it.  Anyways, believing that makes me feel compassion instead of resentment, which is so much healthier for me

Thanks again for your understanding,

<3 Jael

[pamelatransuk]

Parental relationships are often fraught and in our case our being is perplexing to many. It sounds like you have healthy coping mechanisms that are helping you, and I would focus on those and helping yourself be yourself. Yes thet's cliche being expressed here, but I am starting to see its true merit as time goes on. I don't understand why I am as I am, but I know I am. Society is the main stumbling block and I feel we live in a much less enlightened time than I believed as an idealistic child.

Somehow things will be ok because we simply are what we regardless of what others believe.

Warmly,

Athena

Hello Athena

Your summary above is "spot on".

There are so many Susan's Member who have had or are having problems with one or both parents not accepting or understanding. My parents have passed and I loved my mother very much indeed but she never accepted my transgender position even though I told as a child and she died when I was 60 which is 3 years ago.

There certainly is the "societal taboo" and hence opposition from society in general. However this is much less evident with young people who are much more accepting. I believe we will gradually gain more understanding as more become educated to some degree on trans issues but it will take time unfortunately.

Hugs to all.

Pamela

[Jeal]

My parents are VERY co-dependent and so there were a bunch of issues going on before coming out to them.  It is impossible to know how the news really effected them because they are incapable of honestly expressing most negative emotions, it is always projected onto other people (mostly me and my wife, and Trump, whom they fear and loathe).

They are very progressive in many ways, I had hoped it would not be too big of an adjustment for them, but now I am wondering.  They are probably freaking out, but have to play the role of the supportive parent to feel good about themselves, and so a slew of passive aggressive jabs are their way of telling their truth while keeping up the facade.  Since the obfuscated jabs in their communication made me feel like they had no respect for me, made me feel selfish, like I was weak and overwhelmed, I can only assume that is their truth. 

I believe they think I was disrespectful because I told them after telling friends and co workers, insensitive because I don't understand how it hurts them, weak and overwhelmed because I am being vulnerable and open (the thing I believe they fear most to be themselves).

The inner working of the codependent are a fascinating and frightening paradigm.  I know, because I have spent 8 years in therapy unpacking and trying to heal my own  codependent programming.  It's funny, because now I do set boundaries and like myself, but I often feel very self conscious doing so, like I am doing something horribly wrong or dangerous.  It sometimes reminds me of gender dysphoria, when I change my behavior/dress to please other peoples expectation; a fear of being my authentic self, and instead assuming I know how to regulate others emotions at my own expense. 

Just thinking out loud.  I really want to understand them and let go of my resentment.  Normally I have a close friend who I talk about my parents with (hers are like mine), but she is feeling overwhelmed with her own life atm and I don't want to bother her.

There's that codependent thinking again, rather than letting her set her own boundaries or asking I assume #$%#$



I guess I will give her a call and see how she is doing.

[Athenajacob]

Hello Jael, I am glad you have a friend to talk to--and your painting motivated me to share more of myself on here than I have before as far as my appearance. I know its Faceapp (it is a face change app that has helped me with coping often honestly), and hence a digital modification of my appearance, but it made me feel very nice to see a possible version of myself (if also a very airbrushed version .

I do not, myself, have very many friends if really any--so you are very lucky in that regard! I also will PM you as we seem to have a similar (but of course uniquely different) situation. I have to make an appointment with the DR to discuss HRT so I do not know when it will be, but once I do I will update you so we can compare notes!

I know it may not be much comfort, since it seems possibly your parents are mostly self-absorbed(?), but at least they are not screaming and yelling, or hateful (at least I hope not?). And they are willing to do counseling which I also think is momentous--I do not think I would engage in this type of thing with my mom, and certainly not my MIA father (whom I have no contact anyway since he married a wealthy trust-fund paramour as of late--as in I could not really get a hold of him anyway, except perhaps to send a blind email and see what comes back), and I do not know how she will react once I tell her my truth beyond simply being transgender, which to her is just a mental attribute as opposed to something else entirely which very likely requires me to modify myself to stave off a pervasive self-loathing that I can barely stand any more). But, sorry--it sounds like progress and to have come out at work and with friends too is also a huge step.

I understand you as far as doubt too, my wife quizes me on why now (my grandmother has passed and it would not have flown with her, and she bestowed a substantial gift on my family so I held on for all of us to be secure)? How long have you felt female (I began having feelings at age 5, but always recall socializing better with girls, my best young childhood friend was a girl and we played girl games--I had not really connected this until recently however--and playing with boys always made me very anxious, and then of course the feelings and dressing started in my early teens and after a decade of buy and purge I finally began to find peace with myself)?

I also feel the guilt--the "you are dying as a man" phrasing, and "our son will need an additional father" statements which hit me hard; but the counter is that I am truly a better parent as myself (not that I have presented as female outwardly with my son, but having certain items of clothing and painted nails as well as being out with my wife when he was out of the house led to some of the best parenting I have ever done because I was not abjectly depressed.

Anyway, I hope you connected with your friend!

Best,

Athena

[Athenajacob]

Hello Athena
My parents have passed and I loved my mother very much indeed but she never accepted my transgender position even though I told as a child and she died when I was 60 which is 3 years ago.

I am so sorry for this Pamela, and impressed by your ability to vocalize so young--I had such a hard time for so long and there was so little information when I was growing up (which is amazing since it is relatively recent, but pre-internet I suppose). I offhand learned about transgender folks from a blue comment made by a neighbor--a police officer--who for whatever reason mentioned MTF using a slur I will not repeat (I was 12 at the time, and unable to research it due to a lack of internet for some 2 years after, and of course fell into material which was sordid--If only I had found Susan's place 15 years ago my life would have likely been very different--I had really, truly no clue).

By existing we are shining a light towards those in our situation which is very brave--I have never yet gone in public, but at least have told my wife which took 2 years (she often said she would leave if I was transgender as opposed to just a crossdresser), and still as I write this I feel anxiety in my chest at the idea of being out in public with my family--even though I live in one of the best states to be myself in.

It is unfair and wrong, but it is the reality which seems to be changing. I hope it does, I really do. I don't want others to suffer like I did.

Hugs and hope seems like an appropriate sign off. And of course to all!

[Linde]

My parents were dead long already when I came out.  I don't know how they would have reacted?  I know that they always hoped that I would have been a girl, and they allowed me to play with the toys of my older sister, without pressing me into being a boy.  I assume that my mother would have supported me with all her abilities, I am not sure what my dad would have done, but he never was  pushing me to become a tough man, he knew that this would have been impossibly for me.  I now feel that i filly was able to fulfill my parents wishes and am a female now.

As a parent of an adult son, I have to say that all I want for im to be happy, no matter how he defines his happiness.  When he grew up, our only real fear was that he might fall for drugs, but he never did (I am so glad about that).
If he would come ou now, whether gay or trans, I would not love him less.  When I came out to him, he told me that I always will be hs parent who he loves very much.

I hope that you girls will find the happiness you deserve, and if you have toxic people around you, leave them behind, because you deserve to be happy!

[pamelatransuk]

I am so sorry for this Pamela, and impressed by your ability to vocalize so young--I had such a hard time for so long and there was so little information when I was growing up (which is amazing since it is relatively recent, but pre-internet I suppose). I offhand learned about transgender folks from a blue comment made by a neighbor--a police officer--who for whatever reason mentioned MTF using a slur I will not repeat (I was 12 at the time, and unable to research it due to a lack of internet for some 2 years after).

Athena/Linde

Just to clarify I am one of those who always "knew" whereas many of us only come to realize later in life which is fine of course. I was able to tell my mother and my grandmother that I wished to a girl aged 4 and crossdressed and bodyshaved all my adult life and only finally took positive action aged 62 in 2017 by therapy and then HRT. I shall publicly transition later this year when I shall be 64.

I did not as a child know the terms/vocabulary.

I learned of ->-bleeped-<-s around age 12 but only encountered the term transsexual aged 18 in 1973. It was assumed for a long time (rightly or wrongly) that the former were much more common and widespread than the latter and the latter gained prominence as years passed.

The internet helped (starting in late 90s) to provide information and support and we longer thought "it must be just me".

Since around 2005 here in UK we use the term Transgender as an umbrella term to include these two categories and many other categories.

I assume that was also the order of events in US?  - Not knowing term, then transvestism, then transsexualism, then internet spreads the word and now of course Transgender encompasses everything?

Hugs

Pamela

[Linde]

Athena/Linde

Just to clarify I am one of those who always "knew" whereas many of us only come to realize later in life which is fine of course. I was able to tell my mother and my grandmother that I wished to a girl aged 4 and crossdressed and bodyshaved all my adult life and only finally took positive action aged 62 in 2017 by therapy and then HRT. I shall publicly transition later this year when I shall be 64.

I did not as a child know the terms/vocabulary.

I learned of ->-bleeped-<-s around age 12 but only encountered the term transsexual aged 18 in 1973. It was assumed for a long time (rightly or wrongly) that the former were much more common and widespread than the latter and the latter gained prominence as years passed.

The internet helped (starting in late 90s) to provide information and support and we longer thought "it must be just me".

Since around 2005 here in UK we use the term Transgender as an umbrella term to include these two categories and many other categories.

I assume that was also the order of events in US?  - Not knowing term, then transvestism, then transsexualism, then internet spreads the word and now of course Transgender encompasses everything?

Hugs

Pamela

Pamela
I know the earlier times only from Germany and the Netherlands.
The first few years of my life I grew in some way genderless, because my sister and I were wearing the same clothing and played with the same toys.  I think because of this, a gender question did not even come to my mind, nobody challenged my gender identity.  I had to become a boy when I started to go to school, but I still were hanging around with the girls or other boys who were as timid as I was, and my three older, very strong cousins felt as if they were my body guards and nobody dared to bully me during elementary school, again, my gender was not really challenged, and I still had no identity about what gender I was or was supposed to be.
Later my parents wrote all kinds of excuses for school that I did not have to participate in all those rough sports (we had an all boys school only as a secondary school).  I think that was their way to allow me to live a less masculine life, because transgender or intersex ws not know at that time, dand ->-bleeped-<-s were persons displayed in shows, nobody wanted heir child to be like this. 
I had a very good and protected childhood, and I am pretty sure my parents would have supported a gender change, if this would have been something, which was known and done in these days.  When my mother was pregnant with me, my parents always hoped I would be a girl I was told later.  I think they would have been happy seeing me turning into a girl, because they never pushed me to do any macho stuff.
It took almost another 50 years to finally get onto the way to become a female.  I now know that I actually was more female than male all my life, and I am still thankful that my parents never pushed me to be a macho male.  They did what they could in those days, to allow me to live a girlish style life while presenting as a guy.
And I am still happy that i had those physically strong cousins who made sure that I was not bullied, because everybody who tried bullying me, was hurting badly afterwards, and word got around!

Seeing here how hard some of you girls had to fight, just to survive makes my heart bleed and I feel so sorry for you!

[pamelatransuk]

Pamela
It took almost another 50 years to finally get onto the way to become a female.  I now know that I actually was more female than male all my life, and I am still thankful that my parents never pushed me to be a macho male. 

Thank you Linde for your kind words and for your whole summary.

I have highlighted one sentence above which shows yet another 3 aspects of life we both have in common as they all happened to me!

Hugs

Pamela

[Lisa_K]

Seeing here how hard some of you girls had to fight, just to survive makes my heart bleed and I feel so sorry for you!

I feel the same way and it almost makes me feel guilty sometimes when I post about some of the things I went through with my parents and I often wonder if what I share makes people feel bad or it sounds like I'm bragging because my experiences, while not really that unique in today's world, are nevertheless distinctive because of how long ago I dealt with all this and how blindly ignorant my folks and I were about it all but yet somehow I found my way along with their acceptance, love and support.

I was one of those early onset trans kids that wanted nothing more than for the rest of the world to understand me as I understood myself... as a girl. Consequently, I had my own fights to fight and my own challenges until I got out of high school but other than some suggestive encouragement and never forced coaching when I was little, my parents were not a part of my struggles and in fact, are primarily responsible for my successes in life and probably the reason I'm still even alive today or not totally more mental than I already am?

Those things that many of you tried to hide or repress or hadn't discovered yet are the very things I strove to express or more precisely, were the things I could not and did not know how to not express. I never learned the rules how to be a boy or how to fit into the world as one causing innumerable chaotic social problems I simply do not know how my parents ever dealt with? Somehow they and my grandparents did because even without the language and concepts to know what was going on, they intuitively understood me the same way I understood myself against all expectations one might have for parents in the 1960's raising the very troubled problem child I was. I was treated like a girl, did girl stuff and had girl things, interests and many typical girl experiences and influences growing up in what I now see as a protective bubble against the hard reality of the outside world that wasn't nearly so understanding and wanted nothing than for me to be a boy I simply wasn't.

I'm not out or open about my history except to a very small few and it's never mentioned and it's only been within the last four years or so that I've started talking about my life anonymously online that I really began to realize and appreciate the sacrifices, worry and struggles I put them (mostly my courageous mama bear mother) through. I remember why but I don't know how I was ever allowed to start growing out my hair after the 2nd grade in spite of the ongoing catastrophic social and academic consequences it caused to the tune of fourteen different schools before I started the 7th grade due to my inability to integrate or lack of dress code exemptions for my appearance. How they had the insight to get me into counseling when I was ten, not with the intent of changing me or trying to make me normal but just to help with the way the world treated me is inexplicable considering it was 1965 and no one had ever heard about or seen a kid quite like me before. I certainly thought there could be no one else in the world like me.

Starting middle school/junior high at twelve in 1967, I had below shoulder length hair and people that did not know I was supposed to be a boy did not know what I was but because of my personality, vibe and general manner alone, others most often perceived me to be a girl and it took expensive doctors, lawyers and one hella big hassle to even get me in a school because they didn't seem to want me especially if my history of never completing a whole grade at the same school came up. Once again my parents stood up for me and fought battles I didn't really understand and wasn't entirely privy to because they recognized how difficult life was for me even if none of it made any sense and was contradictory to accepted convention and societal norms. Where they got the sense and conviction to do this is a question I cannot answer. Maybe they were time travelers from the future or aliens or something?

Things happened in 1970 when I was a sophomore in high school and fifteen years old that changed my life significantly that weren't a lot of fun for me but absolutely horrified and devastated my mom and step-dad that if I was a parent, would have been my worst nightmare. I was savagely beaten by a group of homophobic boys laying in wait as I walked home from school one day resulting in potentially life-threatening injuries including broken bones, many stitches, nearly punctured lung and bruised kidneys with a stay in hospital and a month out of school recovering that almost caused me to flunk out, cops, criminal charges that resulted in two kids spending a year in juvenile detention and in other words, it was a complete flustercluck but it was also the catalyst for coming to understanding with my folks that I simply could not continue to live as a boy. I'm sure they recognized this before then and said they did creating an even worse conundrum for them because there was really nothing that could be done about it as changing genders in school was simply impossible, unheard of and undoubtedly illegal and socially unacceptable. The medical profession hadn't really acknowledged that trans kids like me even existed at that point. I didn't at the time because I was too wrapped up in my own crap but I've tried to put myself in my parent's position and am not so sure I could have put up with me?

It wasn't all roses and sunshine. "For my safety", I was basically grounded from then on until I left home at eighteen. I couldn't leave the house without one of my parents with me at all times except to go to school and even though it was only ten minutes away, I was no longer allowed to walk to or from. Not that I had friends or a social life anyway but I never went to a school game, dance or prom or joined a club or went on a date or to a party. My "protective bubble" had gone nuclear but in retrospect, in some ways I'm glad it did because it gave me a calm place in the world to not only exist but to thrive providing just enough balance to keep me from going over the edge and as it always had, it gave me the opportunity, to have some good times and happy memories in spite of my problems and difficulties. I understand though how different this dynamic must be when you're a grown and established adult which is practically a completely different scenario. Having no siblings, I never had to deal with that either.

At least for me, I still had no language for this or what it all meant but remarkably, somehow it was still understood thus began the most difficult time in my life of losing my androgyny that was already past the middle anyway by that point. By the time I was sixteen and had only just barely started puberty, strangers no longer had to wonder if I was a boy or a girl and my folks began to use she/her pronouns because it became awkward and uncomfortable in public to not. All my clothes came from the girl's department with those that were unisex or could pass for boy's clothes reserved for school. I lived kind of a dual life. At home and with family, I was known as and treated like a girl, could dress like a girl and had pretty blonde hair halfway down my back and didn't even pass as a boy and other than overtly girl's fashions and makeup, I went to school acting and looking no differently but was known as a boy. This was hard. Really really hard.

Halfway through my junior year, I'd just turned seventeen and this total mindfcuk of a situation found me suicidally depressed, completely withdrawn, isolated and non-functional in a downward spiral and crashing fast. I begged and threatened to quit school. There was much screaming about clothes and looks and at least double or triple the normal levels of teenage angst and moodiness and how my folks didn't just kill me themselves or kick me out remains a mystery? Their solution was talking to more doctors. I'd been doing that since I was ten and found the whole thing pointless because they had all been so clueless but doing so became non-optional. I'd also lived in fear for years of being taken away from my parents and institutionalized because I thought opening up to doctors was my fast pass ticket to the loony bin or foster care so I'd always stonewalled if questions got too close but even I knew I was in big trouble and had to do something or I wasn't going to make it.

Reluctant to go and I did but it also became life changing because they had written letters, made phone calls and searched all over the country to find a doctor outside of Stanford and Johns Hopkins pioneering gender clinics that wasn't clueless and got a referral for one only 150 miles and a few hours away. He wasted no time and pulled no punches with his direct to the matter questions that I knew I had to talk about this time and he knew what I was within about fifteen minutes of meeting him. He explained it to me and finally I had the words, understanding and language to know what was going on. I'd heard about Christine Jorgensen but didn't think I was one of "those" people, I just knew myself to be a girl. At least I was only half wrong. 

In spite of trans youth not yet being recognized as a thing and there being much extra concern and caution about that, I was given the pre gender dysphoria paradigm diagnosis of primary transsexualism and started HRT in 1972 at seventeen on the condition I try to stay in school another year and graduate with the understanding that once I did, I would never have to be known as a boy ever again and that's what happened. I graduated in 1973 with hair to my waist, almost B cup breasts you couldn't miss, a nice bum and one heck of an attitude. The following week with letters from my doctors and my persuasive mom in tow sort of running the show, I got my new female driving license even though there were no procedures in place for that and they'd never done it before and the week after that, I left home and disappeared seamlessly and quietly into the world as a confident and reasonably attractive young woman that except for school, had been passing as one for two years by then. I got my first job as a secretary/receptionist in a busy office several months later and the rest is history. It took a while because in spite of increasingly better jobs I still wasn't making more than about $2.25 an hour and resources weren't readily available as they are now but when I was 22 in 1977, I took six weeks off work to discretely have SRS.

What my life would have been like without the support, guidance and understanding from my parents I can only shudder to imagine. I'm certain to have not made it as is seems most kids like me from my era didn't. I will be eternally grateful but I lost my folks when I was twenty-five and was left with many unanswerable questions about things I didn't have enough perspective and distance from to talk about before they were gone and I have no other family that was close enough to know and now for many years, no family at all.

For those of you having problems with your folk's acceptance and support, my heart goes out to you. The only thing relatable I have to offer is the relationship I had with my biological father who was never much a part of the picture after my birth parents divorced before I started 1st grade. He was the only person in my life that did not share in my self-understanding and was abusive, mean and a complete bastard at times. I hated visiting him and just how disgusted he was by me and what an embarrassment I was to him. When I was fourteen, I had simply had enough and totally blocked him out of my life for ten years and would have forever if it weren't for my mom. In what she knew to be her last year to live, she felt it important to reconnect me with my dad, tracked him down and found out where he lived and called him up, explained how my life had gone and arranged a meeting involving a road trip to the next state over. Knowing his attitude about me and how he treated me as a child, I wasn't looking forward to this and would have preferred to just have kept thinking about him as dead but I did it to make my mother happy and give her some peace of mind she wasn't leaving me completely alone in the world.

It turned out to be not at all what I was expecting. He treated me with dignity and respect for the first time in my life and was genuinely interested in getting to know who I was and what I was all about in spite of being completely disarmed and a little freaked out that I was cute and attractive. We stayed in friendly contact for several decades until he died. He even got to meet my husband a couple times which is something even my mother didn't get to do so if it's of any hope, some people can and do change even if takes a long time for wounds to heal and that to happen.

Best of luck to everyone with working out your important relationships. Relatively beyond most of my experience but I can still empathize and understand.

Finally, apologies once again for posting another TL:DR novel. I should really get help with that! (or stop drinking and rambly writing)

[Linde]

Finally, apologies once again for posting another TL:DR novel. I should really get help with that! (or stop drinking and rambly writing)

If it makes you feel less guilty, I like your stories!
That makes me wonder how my life could have been if all those HRT and whatever things would have been known and available when I was a teenager!  I was lucky and had both of my parents trying to help me as good as hey could, and I still think they did all what one could do in the 40s  and 50's to protect a girlish boy from being destroyed by the world!

I was also lucky to have my parents around until I was almost 50, and at that time, they were still as loving of parents one could ever want to have.

[Complete]

I think you are wise to consider your own self acceptance.  I also think it is very important to clearly understand just who you are accepting. In other words who, (what label, if you must ) you really  are

"...in fact, I think it must be rather like the denial I was so enmeshed in over being transgender; that knowing, always on the periphery of your awareness, causing you pain but you are too terrified to acknowledge it. "

In my case, l always knew who l was. By always,  I mean.from the very beginning.  In fact l never knew that l wasn't a girl until l started kindergarten and was put with the boys. As Lisa alludes,  a "total mindf**k".
Anyway,  that is whe/where the denial started, or at least the refusal to believe just a goofy screw-up could actually happen.
Denial is a powerful thing. It was not until reality finally beat me into submission did I finally seek help.
Fortunately for me, l gave into reality by age twenty and managed to get things sorted by the time l was 23.
How did I manage that on my own in 1972? I can only credit the Grace of God.
I will forever offer my humble thanks for having my life saved.

[Jeal]

Lisa,

What an incredible story.  That is really awesome that your parent's saw and embraced your truth that way!    Way ahead of their time.  Their acceptance and yours has helped shape our social narrative and pave the way for many others.

My parents did their best, ad you know what?  I am in a better place than they are.  I still hope I can get really healthy and be there for them as they get old.  Until I am healthier though, I can't do much but avoid them


Complete,

I remember being very confused when Santa brought my brother and I a doll house (I was 5).  I really liked it, but thought it was for my Mom and asked her if I could play with it.  I certainly didn't have your inner clarity.    I just knew I wanted to be one of the ballet girls but felt ridiculous being THE boy in the class, even though they were not mean to me.   I was different/outside, and I didn't understand why.  I didn't even make it through the first class

I ended up marrying a dancer and only realized recently how that creates a constant pain/longing in me, so now I am taking dance classes   Finally!  I think I've spent many years in a grey fog confused between longing and fear.

[Complete]

/quote]

So, given that  you have recognized your current situation, the question becomes,  what are you going to do about it.
Tomorrow is the first day of the rest of your life.

[Lisa_K]

Lisa,

What an incredible story.  That is really awesome that your parent's saw and embraced your truth that way!    Way ahead of their time.  Their acceptance and yours has helped shape our social narrative and pave the way for many others.

Thanks but I nor my parents have done anything to help shape the social narrative. Okay so maybe some of the kids I went to school with had their first exposure to what we'd now probably call gender non-conformity but back then it was just being super queer and not in the polite or acceptable way the word queer is used today. I only know this from the not so nice homophobic slurs and the way I was treated, ostracized and avoided like the plague. Even the kids that everybody knew were gay hated me.

Once I graduated, I blended into the woodwork as we used to say or into what is now called stealth. Not just because that was a gatekeeping requirement back in the day but also because I only wanted to get on with my life as a regular girl like any other and my acceptance into the world was and has been as just that. I never again saw or spoke to anyone I went to school with so it's not like anyone's awareness was raised or anything like that and as far as the rest of my life up until I turned 60 or about four years ago and began sharing my story online in a very non-trans friendly forum, I've been invisible. I didn't really start talking about things until I joined this forum in June of 2017 and I've said more here about my life than I've ever told anybody. There are a small handful of close confidantes and former romantic partners that know of my history but in my day-to-day life, I'm still invisible so I'm no pioneer or trail blazer by any stretch of the imagination. I've never even ever been a part of the "trans community" and probably one reason many of my attitudes and perspectives about that community misalign with the mainstream.

I don't really get how or why my mom, step-dad and grandparents just seemed to understand and let me be me? It's not like they had any guidance, reference, example or roadmaps to follow and we never really talked about it. This is something I became very curious about once I got older but one I've never been able to satisfy as everyone was gone when I was still young. Although we fought like cats and dogs and our communication style was argumentative, I was really close to my mom and going on to live my life as a girl was just a normal thing for me so we didn't talk about it much at all and practically never once I got out of school and left home. Oh, there was a big kerfuffle before I had surgery and I didn't talk to her for a year because she wouldn't go with me but we got over it. I think maybe she wanted to forget about the the whole thing and put it behind me as much as I did so I have a lot of questions that will never be answered because they were never asked. It's frustrating at times. A lot of things were kept from me too I'm sure to try to lessen the gravity of the situation trying to make me not feel so broken and to protect me from their struggles and difficulties.

I really have no explanation for things. Maybe having my folks understand and accept me was just karma's way of balancing things out for not being born female in the first place? Maybe they just felt sorry for me because I was so screwed up, maybe it was so obvious as to be unavoidable or maybe... who knows? All I know what they did for whatever reason they did was pretty damn rare and unusual and that I have been very fortunate and will always be grateful.

I like your stories!

Probably best not to encourage me? 

[Linde]

Probably best not to encourage me? 

You wish, or?  But I still like it, because it pretty much describes how I could have lived, if I wold have been born a little more than a decade later.
My parents did what they could to provide me with a shielded environment, but neither the times (post war Germany, my father was a POW in Siberia, my mother alone with two little kids living with the  parents of my dad, and my grandfather dying of kidney cancer) nor the knowledge was there to do more than she, and later my dad after he escaped from Siberia, did, nor were he methods known.  Leave alone society and its pressure to fit in!
But I imagine I could have lived like you, if the setting would have been like yours.  But nobody had ever heard of transgender or even intersex, I was just a little different than the other kids, and my parents allowed me to be different.  I am grateful for this, because I never had any thoughts of taking my own life, I must have been happy enough the way I was allowed to live.

That is why I like your stories, they allow me to dream a little about what if?