Am I really trans? Lesbianism and Hormones

[luna447]

Okay so I set up an appointment awhile ago to see a doctor and I am hoping I get started on hormones the same day. I have my appointment in less then two weeks which I have been eagerly awaiting. While I been waiting though I have been thinking a lot.....

For some background I have always felt fem since I can remember like at 4 years old and always wanted to wear girls clothes and act girly. I repressed the feeling when many people around me said it was wrong. Skip ahead and I been slowly transitioning, grew my hair out long and have tons of clothes and shoes and heels. I wanted to transition when I came out at around age 22 but I still wasnt sure if it was the "right" thing to do and on top of being afraid the estrogen may cause some medical problem.

Now I am 30 and I really been feeling like I need to transition even more, I been thinking about it and even asked people close to me in which they said I am definately trans. I been dressing up alot more and buying myself more clothes and heels in anticipation for my new life living as a woman and starting hormones and I have realized that I have been getting very excited.


I think the excitement is there from finally starting my hormones and taking the next step but also when I see myself I feel so much better and comfortable. I also find myself so sexy and beautiful and I know this sounds narcissitic but I like turn myself on.


This is where things get a little tricky. As you might be thinking as I have even thought that maybe im just a crossdresser since I am getting aroused at myself too. Well Sexually I consider myself bi and I usually have boyfriends but I really love women also and I guess being my authentic self as a woman that great energy turns into arousal also. In short my libido has seemed to really went up and not just on girls, I find myself thinking of my boyfriend and men too and being their woman and pleasing them.


I am just really curious if other girls have went through something like this and how normal it is i guess. Do you think I am transgender or a crossdresser. I know that I would know best but I am looking for some input.

Another big question I have is when I do start hormones will my libido settle down at least and not be so furious? I think it also doesnt help I had been repressing my feminine side  too so I just am so excited again and maybe it will naturally wear off on top of the hormones and I can actually focus on doing other things that I love without a higher libido.


Thanks a ton everyone!!!

[Michelle_P]

@luna447;

Our gender identities and sexual orientations are effectively independent, and each has several dimensions to them.

Our identities may be strongly masculine or strongly feminine, or somewhere in between.  The intensity by which we feel our gender may be strong, weak, or even absent.  Even more intriguing is that each of these parameters may vary over time!

My own identity is strongly feminine, strongly felt, and appears to be fixed, not varying over time.  That makes me a boring run-of-the-mill trans woman.

Similarly, our sexual orientation may be an attraction to masculine, or to feminine persons, or to both.  It may be toward anyone, driven by their personality or other non-gender aspects.  It may be a strong attraction, weak, or even nonexistent.  It may be present only when something else such as an emotional or romantic connection is present.

There is a tremendous variation in sexual and romantic orientation among people.

Individuals are often not fully aware of their sexual orientation, especially if their orientation includes one of the culturally acceptable orientations, male-female.  When an individual breaks a cultural taboo towards one gender or sexual status, such as coming out as trans, other related taboos may also be weakened and the individual may explore or consider other possibilities.

I think this may be underlying your experience.

I thought that I was strictly attracted to women, persons who were anatomically female.  As a woman myself, this would make me what my therapist calls 'lesbian'.  (The local lesbian culture has another name for me which I won't print here.)  I realized that the people I was attracted to were not necessarily women when I found myself in a trans group session, drawn to a man with a lovely red-orange beard and thick red hair on their legs.  (No, I did not act on this, but I sure had some interesting thoughts!)

On some deep introspection, I realized the people I am drawn to had some feminine energy, some traits that came through that I was drawn to.  I did not know what they had in their pants when I found them attractive, and I was actually OK with that too.

So, my orientation is lesbian, with a 30% chance of queer.

A bit facetious, but that covers it.

Just keep exploring your feelings.  Perhaps keep a diary and see if they change or cycle over time.  Be open to change and discovery within yourself.

A bit more on this here:
https://michellepaquette.blogspot.com/2018/12/shifts-in-gender-orientation.html

[Beverly Anne]

Sounds like you could use some professional assistance with a therapist who specializes in gender identity and sexuality issues. Once I began therapy, clarity on orientation and gender issues began to emerge and finally resolve. Like you, I'm attracted to both sexes, and my libido is healthy after starting HRT. Before HRT, my libido was non-existent. I thought I was just asexual, but that is not the case. It's wonderful having it back, now if I could just figure out this dating thing as a trans woman! 

[KathyLauren]

I am not going to diagnose you, but it certainly sounds like you could be trans.  That is something only you can decide, preferably in consultation with a gender therapist.

As for "just a crossdresser", there is an old, politically-incorrect joke with quite a bit of truth to it: "What is the difference between a cross-dresser and a transsexual?"  "A couple of years."  While not all cross-dressers consider themselves to be trans, a great many of them do.  My own impression is that most of them are.  I know two ladies who considered themselves to be "just" cross-dressers for years.  Now, they both recognize themselves to be trans.  One wants to transition, the other has no transition plans.

Libido does get caught up in the various stages of this journey we are on.  Prior to coming out to ourselves, it is common for cross-dressing to be a source of self-gratification.  With transition, "cross"-dressing becomes just dressing, and it becomes less exciting and more rewarding.  Androgen blockers and estrogen will usually reduce libido considerably.  This is something to talk about with your doctor as you work out dosages, and with your therapist as you decide what you want.

[KimOct]

Luna - This topic really opens up a huge can of worms.  I have spent the last 3 years thinking about it - ruminating on it - researching it - talking to my therapist about it - etc.  IMO being trans and the overlapping issue of sexual orientation is a complex stew of many components.

To further complicate it is the whole issue of crossdressing / >-bleeped-< ( Blanchard vs. Serano )  / fetish / yada yada -etc.

Human sexuality is complex for most people - when you add gender identity into the mix - Oh My !!

I am gaining some insight into myself but it has taken awhile.  I strongly suggest working with a therapist that you feel good about also doing some research into the topic.  I personally like Dr. Vitale's papers and at the end of the day just see what rings true to YOU. 

I have evolved somewhat in my sexual orientation and I think that is the case fairly often.