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Trans woman. Dating. Men. Scarey.

Started by TaraJo, January 27, 2019, 09:00:48 PM

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TaraJo

So, thru most of my transition, I was dating someone else.  In 2010, I was dating another trans woman and that lasted a little over a year.  About 5 days after I split up with her, I started dating someone who I later found was a pre-everything trans man.  Well, we broke up recently and now...... now there's a big part of me that wants to date again.

I decided to put my toes in the water and sign up on a few dating sites.  I was talking to a guy on tinder and he actually asked me out.  I mean, I kinda want to but..... it's scary.  I haven't dated a cis person since..... 2009.  Haven't dated a cis man since ten years before I transitioned (and that ended exactly the same time he wanted me to top him).  I know I want to date men, and I've certainly seen some who are cute but dating men is scary.  Besides the fact that I'm trans and that puts me in extreme risk, I have so little experience being a single woman, especially a single woman on a date. 

Can anyone give me some advice here? 
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Northern Star Girl

#1
@TaraJo
Like any dating endeavor get to know your date in public settings like coffee shops, walks in the park, club meetings, public events like sports games, gym visits, ice skating, roller skating, charity events, double dates, group dates, etc

After several informal and casual dates like those above you will have a better idea about your date and your safety.  Get to know his or her friends and where they work and where they live.
Always tell a friend where you will be and who you will be with.

You can arrange for a friend to call your cell phone during the time midway into your date.... that will give you a way to end the date if it is not going well.
****NOTE: Initially if you agree to go on "public settings" dates, drive yourself there independently so you have a way to "escape" the situation if it is not going well...  never let him pick you up with just you and him alone in his car until a lot more trust with is built up with him and more "successful" dates have been accomplished.

I have dated both men and women and have had some great times.
Be careful out there especially with dating sites and online suitors.
Danielle
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CindyLouFromCO

You don't have to let guys know before you meet.  But make sure you know what they are into and their political views.  Guys that are into NASCAR and guns are more likely to be influenced by people that fear transgender people.  That's not always the case though.  But you need to be safe first.

Start with guys that are educated, guys that are into things that are not easy to get into.  Guys that care about the environment, their community, and education.

Meet them at your regular hangout.  Not theirs.  Go to a place where the employees and customers know you.  Coffee shop, bar, restaurant, library or wherever you are a regular.  Never leave with them on the first date!  Set your boundaries beforehand before you ever meet any guy.   

Yes, it's going to be a circus!  I did it for three years.  Guys will lie and tell you anything just to get down your pants.

Honestly almost all of them were nice.  Two were weird, and two others had wife's.  The rest pretty much just wanted sex or it just did not work out.  However they were nice.  I forgot undo a guy finally and we have been together for almost two years now.

If you do disclose you are transgender in a profile or before you date always meet in public and tell others where you are going.  Share your location with a friend using your iPhone or Android.  There are trolls out there looking for transgender people to do harm too.

Just be smart and stick to your plan no matter what!

Most of all have fun and good luck!
I've taken what others have offered, so now I'm giving back.
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Devlyn

I think disclosing up front is the way to go. We know that the majority of people just aren't interested in a transgender woman, and that's fine. Letting people filter themselves out saves everyone heartache, and totally eliminates the possibility of a negative or hostile reaction.

So my advice is go on dates and have fun.  :)

Hugs, Devlyn
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GingerVicki

Quote from: CindyLouFromCO on January 27, 2019, 09:47:42 PM
Start with guys that are educated, guys that are into things that are not easy to get into.

That is the best case scenario and tough to do. These guys have options and are often choosy. Someone should feel special if this happens.
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Maria77

Things have improved to the point where people at least understand that we exist.  I think early disclosure is best and safest.   
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Nina

Wow, guys that are into guns and NASCAR fear trans people? My husband not only hunts with me, owns a number of firearms, never misses a auto race, and met me pre-GRS.
Trying to stereotype much?

The guys to fear the most are married guys who are online dating sites, cheating on their spouse, and will meet only in motels.
2007/8 - name change, tracheal shave, electrolysis, therapy
2008 - full time
2014 - GCS Dr. Brassard; remarried
2018 (January)  - hubby and I moved off-grid
2019 - plan originally was to hike PCT in 2020, but now attempting Appalachian Trail - start date April 3.
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Lady Sarah

Be sure to be in communication for no less than 2 weeks before meeting a man. Most will ghost within 7 days.

Be sure to ask them to use a code word in the first message. This is so you know they actually read your profile .

Keeping very high expectations will result in frustration. Most of the decent men are already taken. He need not be rich to be the right man for you.

It is up to you to tell them you are trans. However, failure to do so could carry consequences if you accidently date a transphobe, and he finds out.

I met my husband on OkCupid after 20 months of using the site.  Use patience and vigilance.
started HRT: July 13, 1991
orchi: December 23, 1994
trach shave: November, 1998
married: August 16, 2015
Back surgery: October 20, 2016
  •  

Linde

Quote from: Nina on February 27, 2019, 05:11:46 AM
Wow, guys that are into guns and NASCAR fear trans people? My husband not only hunts with me, owns a number of firearms, never misses a auto race, and met me pre-GRS.
Trying to stereotype much?

The guys to fear the most are married guys who are online dating sites, cheating on their spouse, and will meet only in motels.
How is it with women who own guns and do offroading?  Are we a dangerous and feared breed, too?
02/22/2019 bi-lateral orchiectomy






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Linde

Quote from: Lady Sarah on February 27, 2019, 09:59:50 PM


It is up to you to tell them you are trans. However, failure to do so could carry consequences if you accidently date a transphobe, and he finds out.

But for a change, I am the one who owns the guns and knows how to use them!  If they are transphobes, they better learn to run fast!
02/22/2019 bi-lateral orchiectomy






  •  

christinej78

Quote from: Dietlind on February 27, 2019, 11:31:28 PM
How is it with women who own guns and do offroading?  Are we a dangerous and feared breed, too?

Hi Linde,                          27 February 2019

I own a BB gun, does that count? I also have an Air Pistol I keep for protection and an old Wham o slingshot. I'm prepared for anything.

If all the above fails, I have a backup, my switchblade and brass knuckles from my high school days.

Now that I am female I decided I needed something that would do most of the work for me rather than me having to duke it out with some punk. I went looking for a nice gun and found something I really like. It shoots well, I can handle it fine, it's a little large for a compact revolver but I don't mind. The whole purpose of the thing is to scare the crap out of them so you don't have to fire it. I think it's impressive enough to scare the crap out of just about anyone.

I took it to the pistol range to try it out but first I shot my air pistol a few rounds. There were quite a few shooters there with their 22's, 9mm's, .40's and 45's. Some of them laughed at me while I was shooting my air pistol. After about 30 minutes I brought out my new pistol, loaded the 5 round cylinder. The folks standing on either side of me asked if it was another air gun. I told them no but it does move a lot of air.

Took my stance, aimed and fired. Flame shot out of the barrel about 4 feet forward and up on both sides of the barrel at 45 degrees going up about 4 feet. The muzzle blast was so large most everyone dropped to the ground. I commenced to rap off the remaining four rounds rapid fire. When I was done, I looked around; I was all alone.

Kind of nice having a S&W .500 Magnum; the sound sends people fleeing and talk about accurate. It knocks over stuff you aren't even aiming at. The only problem is the cost to shoot it. About $10.00 for the five shots.

I keep it under my pillow just in case I need it.

Best Always, Love
Christine
Veteran - US Navy                                       Arborist, rigger, climber, sawyer
Trans Woman 13 Apr 18                               LEO (Cop)
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  •  

Linde

Quote from: christinej78 on February 28, 2019, 12:29:09 AM
Hi Linde,                          27 February 2019

I own a BB gun, does that count? I also have an Air Pistol I keep for protection and an old Wham o slingshot. I'm prepared for anything.

If all the above fails, I have a backup, my switchblade and brass knuckles from my high school days.

Now that I am female I decided I needed something that would do most of the work for me rather than me having to duke it out with some punk. I went looking for a nice gun and found something I really like. It shoots well, I can handle it fine, it's a little large for a compact revolver but I don't mind. The whole purpose of the thing is to scare the crap out of them so you don't have to fire it. I think it's impressive enough to scare the crap out of just about anyone.

I took it to the pistol range to try it out but first I shot my air pistol a few rounds. There were quite a few shooters there with their 22's, 9mm's, .40's and 45's. Some of them laughed at me while I was shooting my air pistol. After about 30 minutes I brought out my new pistol, loaded the 5 round cylinder. The folks standing on either side of me asked if it was another air gun. I told them no but it does move a lot of air.

Took my stance, aimed and fired. Flame shot out of the barrel about 4 feet forward and up on both sides of the barrel at 45 degrees going up about 4 feet. The muzzle blast was so large most everyone dropped to the ground. I commenced to rap off the remaining four rounds rapid fire. When I was done, I looked around; I was all alone.

Kind of nice having a S&W .500 Magnum; the sound sends people fleeing and talk about accurate. It knocks over stuff you aren't even aiming at. The only problem is the cost to shoot it. About $10.00 for the five shots.

I keep it under my pillow just in case I need it.

Best Always, Love
Christine

That sounds like a beast the thing you are shooting there!  I do the home defense thing with a Remington 870 pump gun with short barrel, and most people don't really like to look into the round hole end of that gun either.
I would like to buy (one of these days) a Taurus Judge.  The Judge is a five shot revolver that takes .410 bore shot shells and the .45 Colt cartridge.   Both create the desired respect with any thug encountering them!

Until than the pump gun has to do.  I have a 350 semi automatic for traveling in the motorhome.  My dog is he first line of defense there.  Any thug not reacting to the bark of a more than 120 lb heavy dog, is stupid to start with!

Not having any balls does not necessarily mean, one is a sissy!
02/22/2019 bi-lateral orchiectomy






  •  

CindyLouFromCO

Quote from: Nina on February 27, 2019, 05:11:46 AM
Wow, guys that are into guns and NASCAR fear trans people? My husband not only hunts with me, owns a number of firearms, never misses a auto race, and met me pre-GRS.
Trying to stereotype much?

The guys to fear the most are married guys who are online dating sites, cheating on their spouse, and will meet only in motels.

My boyfriend has a 457 magnum, a 22 pistol, and a muzzle loader.  We go out shooting together in the woods.

Like I said it's not always the case.  But when I started dating I avoided anyone that had stereotypical conservative hobbies.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
I've taken what others have offered, so now I'm giving back.
  •  

Lady Sarah

Quote from: christinej78 on February 28, 2019, 12:29:09 AM
Hi Linde,                          27 February 2019

I own a BB gun, does that count? I also have an Air Pistol I keep for protection and an old Wham o slingshot. I'm prepared for anything.

If all the above fails, I have a backup, my switchblade and brass knuckles from my high school days.

Now that I am female I decided I needed something that would do most of the work for me rather than me having to duke it out with some punk. I went looking for a nice gun and found something I really like. It shoots well, I can handle it fine, it's a little large for a compact revolver but I don't mind. The whole purpose of the thing is to scare the crap out of them so you don't have to fire it. I think it's impressive enough to scare the crap out of just about anyone.

I took it to the pistol range to try it out but first I shot my air pistol a few rounds. There were quite a few shooters there with their 22's, 9mm's, .40's and 45's. Some of them laughed at me while I was shooting my air pistol. After about 30 minutes I brought out my new pistol, loaded the 5 round cylinder. The folks standing on either side of me asked if it was another air gun. I told them no but it does move a lot of air.

Took my stance, aimed and fired. Flame shot out of the barrel about 4 feet forward and up on both sides of the barrel at 45 degrees going up about 4 feet. The muzzle blast was so large most everyone dropped to the ground. I commenced to rap off the remaining four rounds rapid fire. When I was done, I looked around; I was all alone.

Kind of nice having a S&W .500 Magnum; the sound sends people fleeing and talk about accurate. It knocks over stuff you aren't even aiming at. The only problem is the cost to shoot it. About $10.00 for the five shots.

I keep it under my pillow just in case I need it.

Best Always, Love
Christine

Sounds a bit like me and my Ruger Redhawk .44 magnum. I've never had to even point it at anyone. The size is enough to ensure a certain measure of peace.
started HRT: July 13, 1991
orchi: December 23, 1994
trach shave: November, 1998
married: August 16, 2015
Back surgery: October 20, 2016
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