Karen...my journey

[KathyLauren]

What a lovely update, Karen!  I am happy for you that you and your wife have made such progress, and that your kids are supportive.  You obviously raised them right!  I am glad, too, that you are feeling better about yourself.

What a nice note to finish off the year on!

[Northern Star Girl]

@Karen
Dear Karen:
Thank you so very much for coming back to your transition thread that helps to keep your followers tuned in to the progress that you are experiencing in your journey.

I am always quite happy when I see transitioners that can find a way to get back into a good relationship with their partners.   Having a amicable relationship with your wife and with your children being supportive is a wonderful Christmas gift that you have received

It is wonderful that things are taking a turn for the better at home, with your family members and your friends then that is certainly the catalyst that will allow you to start feeling better about yourself and your journey.   Of course being able to state that your job and career will be fine takes an immense amount of pressure off of your mind and your mental attitude will much more positive.

Thank you for sharing with all of us...
Please don't take another 3 months to come back to your thread with an update.
We are your biggest fans, we are all rooting for you.

Hugs and well wishes for a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.
Danielle

[GordonG]

Karen
I too have to say that that is wonderful news. You must be feeling very good about things. Wishing you more of the same along your journey.

[randim]

You are making wonderful progress Karen.  I'm sure it is a huge relief to you to come out to your children and have it go well.  Congrats!

[Karen]

Thank you all for your support. 

It's Christmas Day and I am alone in a French coffee shop having a ham and cheese croissant.  My family has been great but I am finding myself very sensitive looking for judgement and acceptance.  I wish I was totally comfortable in my skin.  Every step we take involves a new level of peace and self acceptance.  I am also worried about hurting my kids.  They have been great.  Processing and worried about change, but great.   

I hope you are all good.  This is a great place to come when we feel lonely.  Hugs and happy holidays to each and all of you. 

Karen 

[Northern Star Girl]

Thank you all for your support. 

It's Christmas Day and I am alone in a French coffee shop having a ham and cheese croissant.  My family has been great but I am finding myself very sensitive looking for judgement and acceptance.  I wish I was totally comfortable in my skin.  Every step we take involves a new level of peace and self acceptance.  I am also worried about hurting my kids.  They have been great.  Processing and worried about change, but great.   

I hope you are all good.  This is a great place to come when we feel lonely.  Hugs and happy holidays to each and all of you. 

Karen

@Karen
My Dear Karen:
I am very happy that you are updating your thread. 
This is definitely the season for all of us to find happiness in our lives, however it is also the time of the year that can be very difficult for many that do not find acceptance and support in their family.
This reminds me of the old saying....
   "If life doesn't deal you enough problems, we can always count on our own family"

I hope and trust that you are finding the joy and happiness that you deserve.  Please know that here on the Forums that we are your biggest fans and supporters.   
When crossing paths with others, it should be our mission to offer our friendship, acceptance and support... for us to be the light in their darkness.... we not only will bring joy to others but we also feel better for doing it.
I wish for you a very MERRY CHRISTMAS
and a prosperous and Happy NEW YEAR 

Hugs and as always, Well Wishes
Danielle

[Northern Star Girl]

@Karen
Dear Karen:
This past year since I have met you on the Forums has been most enjoyable. 
I have very much enjoyed swapping comments and thoughts with you on your thread, my thread, and on various threads around the Forums.
Obviously there are some bumps in the road that all of us experience so we continue to hang on for an exciting ride.

It was wonderful for me to meet you on the Forums this past year...
I have so much enjoyed your updates as you continue on in your journey.
Thank you for feeling free to share your life events with all of us.   

I am so very happy that I found you and your thread on the Forums this last year and I will be eagerly following your upcoming reports and updates in the New Year in 2019.

Wishing you a very HAPPY NEW YEAR   in 2019...

Hugs and as always, well wishes.

Danielle

[Karen]

Hi everyone.  I hope you all had a good holiday season.

This is not going to be my most positive post.   While my kids have accepted and handled the my news exceptionally well, I have been a mess since.   

It started with me being incredibly sensitive to judgment, rejection and loneliness after we told them.  And followed with very high levels of anxiety for the last week, especially in the mornings.   And a few days of depression and wanting this life to be over.   

Perhaps its the 2 weeks of being a way from work and routine.   Or the follow on fear and sadness that followed telling the kids.   I don't know, but it has been horrible.   I understand that self doubt and sadness go hand in hand with dysphoria and transition, but this is hard.   

I don't want to go back in time, I don't want to stop blockers (God help me), and I don't think I have the emotional strength to move forward.  And staying in purgatory is truly hopeless....I go to work (which is pretty good), I eat a health diner, snuggle a bit with my kids and go to bed / wake up thinking about being transgender and what to do.   ...life without purpose, other than keeping my job and not hurting my kids.   

Over the ast week my mornings and nights have been filled with loneliness, and feeling trapped in my life and body.  Lots of sadness and tears.... And frustration toward my wife.   She has been supportive and very balanced, but not emotionally available to check in on me or show care for me in these low periods.   She's a doer and pragmatist, not a nurturer or one who consoles.   This adds to my anxiety feeling like no one can empathize with my pain or reality.   And feeling like I need to end it all or go it alone. 

I just want to run away.  I just want it all to go away.   As I have relived my life, I can see how I had elements of dysphoria through out and felt I was more female than male.  I have always questioned gender / who I was and why I was wired so differently...   but I pushed forward determined to prove I was good enough as a man and father. 

I also have had 2 tough experiences with my best friends and supports.  2 dinner parties where I did not feel like I fit in the men's conversation or the women's conversation, and where the wrong pronouns after pronouns ate away at me until I finally broke and I needed to leave and be alone.  They are wonderful people and they care so deeply...and I don't feel like I fit in that life.

I am lost and stuck at the same time.   Trapped in a life and body, most people would love to have.   

Sorry for venting so much.   It's just tough. 

Karen

[Northern Star Girl]

@Karen:
Dear Karen:
I want you to know that none of us are always living a happy and wonderful life all the time....  we all have our trials and tribulations at the most unexpected and inconvenient moments.

Do relish in the fact that your kids have accepted and handled your transition announcement exceptionally well.

All the feelings that you described of rejection, loneliness and judgement are things that I have dealt with and most others here on the forums here have dealt with.   Please find the strength inside yourself to continue to move forward...  don't keep yourself in purgatory....  and do know that your life does indeed have purpose...  you have a commitment to your family and to your job, and to yourself to see through what you have to do in your life.

Even though you have reported the good news that your wife has been supportive and I am certain that she can empathize with your pain...  you also need to be able to empathize with her emotions and her pain as well.  In many cases a spouse or partner can have more pain and anxiety than the one that is transitioning....  have patience and understanding.... and always show love and tenderness.   You will have a lot more headway with honey than you would with vinegar.  It is a difficult road not only for you, but for her as well.  In the heat of the moment, arguments and unsavory words will not be acceptable for either one on you to hear and will not win you any points.

I am so very sorry to hear of your 2 bad dinner party experiences with your best friends and supporters.  I have certainly had the similar feelings of not fitting in to either the men's conversations or the women's conversations...  this happens to many transitioners.   
Regarding dead-naming and mis-gendering with the wrong pronouns....  it is very difficult for many of even our closest friends and family to "forget" the person that they have always known and to all of a sudden use a "new" name and connect it with the proper pronouns....  don't judge them too harshly, old habits die hard.   
For myself, even after living as a full time woman for over 2 years when I just last week went back to my old home town to visit my parents, extended family and old friends, those are the ones that had the most difficult time with my name and pronoun gendering...  I try to look at it from their perspective and I can understand what they may be experiencing when interfacing with the new me.

Hopefully the fact that you have written out your feelings and have vented with like-minded friends here on the forums that this has been a help to you and in a sense, a relief valve of sorts.   I always find that writing about my difficult issues either privately or sharing with friends is a good therapy exercise and helps to clear my mind... and in effect "reset" my emotional balance.  I hope that this is the case with you now that you have vented and gotten some of that out of your system.

Hugs and more hugs, and please continue to keep us updated.
Danielle

[Autrement]

Dear Karen,

I wish you a lot of courage.

A few weeks after telling my children, it has been quite difficult as well. They well accepting me well, but they were suffering.
But after several months, they got used to it somehow.
With my wife also, they are ups and downs, but we keep loving each other.

I hope you will find again the positive side of accepting yourself and allowing yourself to be you more and more...

Hugs !

Pascale

[Karen]

@Alaskan Danielle

Thank you so much for your reply. 

I clearly needed to vent and to put pen to paper.  It helped.   

You're empathy and understanding is appreciated.  These "dark" periods are lonely and scary and it really helps too have friends that can relate.   It is interesting...I once had feelings of being broken, which I no longer have or feeling unacceptable...way back from my childhood which I don't really have.   Recently it has been fear of rejection and loneliness, and just sadness and grief.   I am much better now.   

Your comments on my wife are helpful too.   She is doing the best she can, as are my friends.   I found myself looking for more from her and my friends.   I was looking for a level of empathy and emotional support that is hard for her or them to give.  They can't totally relate, and they are working through their own change.   They have been great and are trying really hard.   I need to be more comfortable sharing where I am at on my journey and saying what I need.   And most importantly I want to give them kindness and love.

My kids continue to impress me.    They are open hearted and open minded.   It is beautiful really. 

Thank you again!

Hugs

Karen

[Karen]

@Autrement

Thank you for your encouragement and support.   

I am doing much better on all fronts.   Sharing with you, and talking to my therapist, really helped me reframe my perspective.   It is scary how dark it is at times.

Thanks for sharing your lessons with your kids.   As open hearted and minded by kids are, I know they worry about what might or will change.   The had hoped it was a mid life crisis.  They worry about money and career.  And they worry about their mom.   All good and natural things.   We are trying to give them space and are not pushing them to talk.   ...things like names, and further changes for me are off the table for now.   

Thank you again Pascale

Hugs

Karen

[Autrement]

@Karen


We are in a very similar situation, trying to protect our wife and children from this sudden « crisis » as much as we can, but knowing that it will not go away by itself.

We will probably have to go down a path, a therapy, a liberating way to become our true selves.

Let's hope that time will play on our side, so that we can accomplish this without breaking too much of what we have built, and keep together all the ones we love and who rely on us.

Hugs.

Pascale

[Northern Star Girl]

@Karen
Dear Karen:
What's happening girl???

It has been a MONTH since you last treated your thread followers to your updates.
I am trusting and hoping that you are OK.

Please give us an update and let us know how you are doing.

Please come back soon ... I miss you!!!

HUGS and well wishes,
Danielle

[Karen]

Thanks Danielle..   

I am doing well.   Lots has happened and will happen over the next few weeks.

My kids and spouse are doing well.   I am getting lots of support, and I am much more patient and understanding of their needs and limitations.   My friends have been great too.

One of our extend friends have figured out my situations.   I have not confirmed anything yet, but they have confided in other friends that they see what is happening and want to help.  Nice.  This friend knows the transgender signs...the lost a best friend who transitioned and wanted nothing to do with their past.  They don't want to lose another friend, or want our mutual friends to lose my wife or I.   

I went shopping for boots, with heels and the clerk was amazing.    I also bought a few winter jackets that I love.   Both clerks made me feel human and real. 

This week my wife told her sister and her best friend...then I had discussions with both of them.  They were amazingly supportive and were most concerned that we have been on this journey for almost 2 years and they would have loved to have helped.   We are blessed to have incredible friends, kids and each other.

Moving forward:

- tomorrow is my physical and I am going to ask for an estrogen percription

- Tuesday I am having a consultation with another gender therapist.  My current one is great, but does not advise or consult on the process.  I am at a point where I need a more affirmative therapist that can guide me and write letters in due course.

- I am doing my homework and getting ready to tell my bosses.  They deserve to know from me, and deserve to have time to learn and prepare well in advance of any announcement.  I am also making sure my disability insurance is in order in case I need to go off for stress or other reasons.

- I am planning a shopping trip to New York and image consulting week end.   I have never been out in public and am concerned about passing, and having confidence in what my future self could be.   It's an important next step in ensuring I am ready and confident. 

Lastly, my confidence level is good now.   Support at home helps, as does progress.  I am also learning to find strength from within me, vs looking for it from others.    This is a big step for me and someone with a high need for affection and has deep fears of judgment and being alone. 

This journey certainly causes us to face our deepest fears, not because we want to but because we have to to make it through and grow.

Big hugs

Karen   

[Northern Star Girl]

@Karen
My dear Karen:
I am so very happy that you have come back to your thread so soon after my "reminder" comment.

Reading your latest update and transition endeavors as you are getting ready at your tomorrow appointment for your physical exam to ask your doctor for HRT prescriptions is so very good for all of your followers to hear.   Will this be the first time that your doctor will hear about your transition plans?
Finding a new gender therapist that you will be happier with is a good move plus it will be good that your doctor knows that you are seeing a therapist.

Also it is nice to read that you are getting overwhelming acceptance from family and friends.  with that acceptance and support from those that are close to you it certainly makes your transition decisions and plans somewhat easier.

Your shopping trip success for shoes, boots and a few winter jackets is so very self-affirming and confidence building for you.
Plus your planning a shopping trip to New York and image consulting week end is a wonderful idea and should be of big help to you.   Are you taking your wife with you on that trip?

I am wishing you well and crossing my fingers and my toes for you regarding coming out to you work environment.... be brave, be bold, and think positive and believe in yourself for a successful outcome.

Yes, you are absolutely correct, the personal transition journey certainly causes us to face our deepest fears.

Thank  you again for your update... please continue to post again soon but only as you feel comfortable doing.

Hugs and Hugs and Hugs..... and as always, well wishes.
Danielle