Mourning a lost childhood

[Eliza C]

Hi folks, I started hormones three days ago, and it finally hit me that this is a HUGE STEP. At first I was nonchalant about it. But I'm beginning to appreciate how big of a victory this is, especially after I was thrown back into the closet 7 years ago when I was 19 years old. The years I spent questioning and discovering led to this.

However, those are years that I will never get back. It seems ridiculous, but I really just long for that childhood where everything was so carefree. I don't really cry but I'm tearing up at the thought of how life could have been. I'm just really sad that all those years are gone. It's a weird feeling. I long for memories of events that never happened...

My (super awesome) aunt seems to think that transitioning at 25 was my best case scenario, even better than transitioning at 19. She tried to console me. I told her about my visit to a trans health care provider and how the doctor asked me if I ever had sex for money, for drugs, for food, or a place to stay. I said no to all those things. My aunt said that if I transitioned at 19, that would have been the likely scenario. I would not be in law school. I would not be working full time in the human rights field. I would not have picked up archery as a sport. I would not be financially secure. I might not even have finished undergrad.

Perhaps I traded all those years to be in a privileged position in which I can transition safely - a position where my work and school are both supportive. Where all of my friends are supportive. Perhaps that's what the universe intended for me.

As ridiculous as this sounds, I think I need a hug lol

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[AoifeB]

I think your aunt may be right, but it's hard to tell what might have been. The years lost suck, and it can be hard to get others to understand the depression, anxiety, and self-loathing that comes along with all this.

Hugs

[Linde]

As ridiculous as this sounds, I think I need a hug lol

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I might be the age (or close to it) of your aunt, and here I come, with lots of loving hugs!
Hug, Hug, Hug, Hug...
Linde

[Mathea]

Hi Eliza! I can totally understand your feelings about our past and your struggle to be in a safe spot to transition. I find myself in a very unstable and insecure point in life, where transitioning might risk making everything worse (and also its just so much to deal with at the same time). I'm hoping there's a better place to start somewhere in the future.

Your aunt sounds like a great person! Hugs to you! 

[Allison S]

Wow, your aunt sounds like a great person and supportive! Just by reading this I can tell... I think many if not all of us can relate in some way or another. Whether it's hrt, srs, presenting andro/whatever, or even growing our hair... It sounds like you're crying out for love and support and I think you're going about it in a very good way.
I thought it was a weakness to tell my family I'm even on hormones... Well I learned the hard way, and a lesson I'll never forget.

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[Swedishgirl96]

Oh I can so really relate to your text.

I can feel so sad sometimes over that I have been depressed and sad for such a long part of my life. I have had anxiety since my childhood. But it is slowly going away now.

I try to not think about that to much because then I just burst in to tears and run out for a cigarette.

I rather think of it as a knowledge or power I have. I have experience something very hard that makes me aware off life in a way that cis people haven't. This might help me in situations in life that might be harder for others.

[Jessica]

Who knows what would have been your future if you had started at 19.  If you were driven to experience what you have done, the drive would still be there.  It wouldn't need to mirror, but you would have accomplished something.
What I feel for you is the loss of childhood.  So much is learned and experienced at a young age that will shape who you are.  In my own thoughts, I will never have the experience of learning to be a woman socially from being a young girl to womanhood.