I think I'm torn.
As bad I feel right now, as I wait for my pills to hit the mailbox, I feel sort of empowered by the realization that I'm a trans woman. I feel like coming out of my shell and telling more people I know. But... I'm truly scared of confiding in anyone at work. For one thing, I'm a contractor. A very well paid temp, for lack of a better way to describe it. But up until recently, I've been pretty comfortable with the group I work in, my team. They are sort of like a family, and I like these people, mostly.
For starters, the way they treat women at this company is absolutely deplorable. The subtle sexism really permeates pretty much every aspect of the way the thing operates. I was in an incredibly boring meeting with upper management a couple weeks ago, where the new manager of software development basically told my product owner, a very nice CIS gal to shut up. I swear, she was almost in tears. The context of it was pretty freaking hard. And she's not the only one, and this isn't the first incident like this since I've been there. It sucks.
I've been working hard to keep my body changes covered up. I've been wearing sports bras that are four sizes too small to keep my breasts out of sight. I've been intentionally not trying to call attention to myself. The last thing you want to do as a disposable worker, is give people a reason to throw you away. And I've found the whole thing challenging. Dealing with a new identity. Coming to terms with my irrational fears that my life is ending and that nobody loves me. My head's a weird mess right now.
I think my direct manager might have heard me discussing some incredibly personal stuff on the phone with my wife on my lunch break, during an incredibly vulnerable moment, and he's been weird ever since. Really working hard at the manlier than thou, bro thing. And maybe there's some cold shoulder there too. I can't really tell.
And there are a lot of little comments coming out of the woodwork. I think I might be the subject of an especially juicy office rumor at this point. People who I enjoyed talking to, and spending time with on the job are just avoiding me completely if they can.
I'm not doing bad work. I'm not being antisocial. I've gotten myself into a comfortable niche area of work that nobody else wants to do, at least for now, and I enjoy the job. But I think my days could be numbered here the way things are.
I don't want to be one of those, "Look how trans I am, doesn't that offend and scare you?" kind of people. But I'm half wondering if maybe I should come clean with everybody about this, and just take whatever consequences come. Might be easier. And the job market is good right now.
Doesn't make it any less terrifying though.
How you deal with this kind of stuff?
