Outting myself on Facebook and now comes the fear!!!

[Danielle Kristina]

I need to get something off my chest.  I'm so scared I don't know what to do or where to turn.  Ok, here goes...

I created a FB page for my female self.  I tried to keep it completely separated from my main FB page which people know me as male.  I started this page two days ago.  I made the mistake, however, of posting a pic of me dressed as myself as my profile pic.  So far, two people messaged me and asked about my alter ego page.  I never meant to out myself, at least not yet.  In a panic, I changed the profile pic on my Danielle page and then deactivated both accounts.  I'm scared, nervous and terrified.  I'm not out to anyone but two people, both of whom are trans too. 
I just wanted to get this off my chest. 

In truth, I do want to come out.  I'm tired of hiding it.  Plus, I'm going to start HRT soon, so I'll be to come out eventually anyway.  Still, I'm scared.  A part of me says, "Screw what people think!"  But another part of me freezes in panic, deathly afraid of anyone finding out about the real me.  At least some of these people re very transphobic; I know, I hear them talk negatively about transgender people all the time.  I even have a trans sister that came out a few years ago and it did not go well.  I'm trying to be positive, believe it or not, but it's still so hard not to be trrrified at the same time.

I just wanted to get this off my chest.

[Lexxi]

Hi Danielle,

As soon as you said you put a picture on there I knew where the rest of your post was going. Facebook has that little section where they recommend people for you to become friends with. I think it goes by your region and also from your friends list. Well anyway your friends from your real Facebook page probably got the notification to check out this new profile and they did.

I am in the exact same position as you...except I'm not as brave as you are yet. I had thought about starting a Facebook page for the person I know I am, but I'm afraid the same thing would happen to me. By the way, what did those two people who contacted you have to say? Was it positive or negative? You didn't say but I'm kind of curious to know.

The only advice I could give, at least if that happened to me, would be to either take the biggest step you've ever taken and admit it...or you could lie to them and say you did it as a joke when you were drinking or something. With the position I'm in right now I would almost assuredly lie about it. Which in all honestly would hurt me to do. I love the person I am on the inside and I hate denying her anything. However if my secret got out right now it would really embarrass my teenage daughter and I couldn't stand doing that.

Which ever way you go with it know that I'm wishing you good luck!!  You'll find a lot of support with the rest of the girls here too I'm sure.

Lexxi

[Maid Marion]

Hi Danielle,

I hope it turns out well for you. 


Marion

[Danielle Kristina]

Hi Danielle,

As soon as you said you put a picture on there I knew where the rest of your post was going. Facebook has that little section where they recommend people for you to become friends with. I think it goes by your region and also from your friends list. Well anyway your friends from your real Facebook page probably got the notification to check out this new profile and they did.

I am in the exact same position as you...except I'm not as brave as you are yet. I had thought about starting a Facebook page for the person I know I am, but I'm afraid the same thing would happen to me. By the way, what did those two people who contacted you have to say? Was it positive or negative? You didn't say but I'm kind of curious to know.

The only advice I could give, at least if that happened to me, would be to either take the biggest step you've ever taken and admit it...or you could lie to them and say you did it as a joke when you were drinking or something. With the position I'm in right now I would almost assuredly lie about it. Which in all honestly would hurt me to do. I love the person I am on the inside and I hate denying her anything. However if my secret got out right now it would really embarrass my teenage daughter and I couldn't stand doing that.

Which ever way you go with it know that I'm wishing you good luck!!  You'll find a lot of support with the rest of the girls here too I'm sure.

Lexxi

The first one me what was up with that profile, to which I lied and said it was a joke I had going with someone.  The second asked me when I created that profile and I honestly said two days ago.  I haven heard any more since then.  It just scared me that two people I know personally, both of whom do not know I'm transgender, saw me as my authentic self.  I'm afraid of how many others I know saw it but haven't said anything.

[Lexxi]

Well it sounds like it turned out as well as it could have. I'm sure if any of your other friends saw it and didn't comment on it they either thought you were joking, or they simply didn't care. The world is getting more accepting of people's differences every day, so a lot of people don't think anything about it.

Which ever it is I sure hope everything turns out well for you.

[Dena]

Facebook is really bad about connect accounts. The plant cookies in your computer and you need to go through extra effort to keep from connecting accounts. Your options are clearing cookies after every session, creating separate user IDs on your computer, using different computers or using different web browsers. That still doesn't guarantee they won't make a connection through your IP address but as far as I know, they aren't doing it yet.

Facebook somewhat upset me as I need to check links out to ensure they meet site standards. I never agreed to them placing a cookie in my computer and I never created and account but yet I found one of their cookies. In my case, they probably are using it to generate targeted advertising through their "partners".

[KathyLauren]

Doing the dual-identity thing on Facebook is tricky.  FB is all about promiscuity, not in a sexual sense, but in the sense of trying to get everyone connected to everyone else.  So you are fighting against some sophisticated programming to keep two identities separate.

As Dena mentioned, there are the "cookies" on your computer.  FB will know instantly that the two identities share the same browser.  You can keep the cookies separate by using different browsers, say Firefox for him and Chrome for her.

But then there is the computer's IP address.  FB will notice that both identities come from the same computer.  So you really want to use them from different computers, preferably from different service providers.  Maybe a desktop at home for him and a mobile phone for her.

And then there is the matter of FB friends.  If he and she have friends in common, then everyone you know will be invited to friend the new identity.  As soon as FB becomes aware of any connection between the identities, it will blab: "If you know Keith, then you might want to meet Kathy, because someone you know is friends with both."  Argh!  You can't have any connection at all!

It was hard work keeping my identities separate, and the only thing that made it bearable was knowing that it was a temporary situation.  As soon as I went full-time, I consolidated the two accounts, moved my friends on one over to the other, and closed one of them. 

That paralleled my experience in real life, where being part-time was intolerable.  I am allergic to keeping secrets.

[Allie Jayne]

And its not just facebook you need to worry about as a lot of other apps like Pinterest access FB information and will try to make connections to grow their member database. The world wide web is just that, and once information goes out, it stays out and may turn up anywhere! If you closed your account quickly, and those that were connected don't care, you could be ok.

Allie

[Wendi]

Uggg. I hope all goes well for you. If others saw you they would hopefully not think much about it.

Personally I don't think I'd lie though. You could just explain that this isn't something new and that you've had this feeling your whole life and it's just coming to a head now. If they're true friends they'll likely have questions but be alright with it in the end.

Good luck.

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[F_P_M]

Ooof, I hope it turns out fine.
I'm constantly surprised that people I think will act badly don't. I hope these people surprise you in such a manner too.

Honestly I sort of.. plan to out myself on facebook anyway because that's where I connect with most of my friends (they're all guys, we see one another like once a year at best. This is just how it goes lol) and I feel like i can better explain things if I sit down and write a statement.

But i'm probably not gonna do that till I have T. and there's an official "no turning back" point.

Still, facebook has advantages and disadvantages. I haven't had it relink my two accounts but I deactivated one of them before I set up the second so I think that sort of killed its ability to link em.

i then just messaged the people I wanted to stay linked to and refriended them explaining I was me under a different name (I've been going by a male name on fb for years now, nobody actually questions it. Go figure)

Ultimately, I hope your friends and family are true friends and family and embrace this real you.
if they don't then they aren't worth your time.
Harsh, but true.

good luck!

[Lexxi]

FPM I thought about outing myself on FB when I'm ready too. Today I even took the step of joining Transwoman National. There's a local chapter and they have monthly meetings. Since I'm a member now, when I decide to come out it might make it easier because the site is public. So anything I write there will be able to be seen by my established FB friends.

Easy Peasy...I think...or is it hope? I don't really know right now. lol

[Shay9999]

Danielle,

Coming out is difficult for everyone. It can keep us from being the person we want to be, all because we're trying to please someone else's opinion of how we should be. Surround yourself with loving and supportive people, and don't be afraid to push away the negativity.

I'm sorry that you're surrounded by people that keep you in a state of fear about your self-expression. I'm happy you vented to this community, and, as you can see, we're all here for you. <3

My advice may be subpar because I came out on Facebook and then immediately deleted my Facebook and most personal social media I had because I didn't much care for keeping in touch that way. I feel pretty good for doing it, but that's my experience. If it feels like something you'd be willing to try, you can feel the stress wash off of you when you're not concerned about your public image on an internet profile.

[Danielle Kristina]

No one else from my main (male mode) FB page has contacted me, so I guess I'm in the clear.  Worst case scenario, everyone finds out I'm trans and as scared as I am, I'm going to come out eventually anyway.  I feel more confident today than I did yesterday.  Yesterday I was in panic mode.

[Wendi]

No one else from my main (male mode) FB page has contacted me, so I guess I'm in the clear.  Worst case scenario, everyone finds out I'm trans and as scared as I am, I'm going to come out eventually anyway.  I feel more confident today than I did yesterday.  Yesterday I was in panic mode.

That's comforting Danielle. It could actually turn into a blessing and allow you to come out sooner.

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[Danielle Kristina]

That's comforting Danielle. It could actually turn into a blessing and allow you to come out sooner.

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I do want to come out and live as my authentic self.  For many years I hid it from everyone, including myself.  Now, the older I get, the harder hiding my true self from the world becomes.