I may be new here, but I am not new to the LGBTQ.... community. My first intro into it was through a girl in high school. I was falling in love and she was exploring. It was 1972 in San Francisco and I discovered the Daughters of Bilitis meetings and a lesbian club I cannot remember the name of. I made sure she got to these meetings and back safely at night. Meanwhile I spent the time outside or down at Cala Foods. I also went to my first MCC back then and discovered a couple more of my classmates.
I knew I loved women's clothes at a very young age, like early grammar school. After Kindergarten age I was raised by Mom. Her friends came over with their daughters and I played with them. Didn't know any better. At school boys were too rough. I played with girls. Until the rumor went around.
When my parents divorced I became hyper and could not focus or stay in one place. I actually had ADHD, although it was never diagnosed that. I had to repeat kindergarten and be placed in the Childrens Mental Health for therapy twice a week. Due to a blabby mother I was outed to my peers as an M.R. That label followed me for most of my school years. I was 'different', ostracized. No one would play with me. So I grew up believing that no one, except the daughters I played with, wanted anything to do with me. I became withdrawn and needy, but also I lived in my own world. And that world was seen through female eyes, how it affected the female...namely my mom. I spent a lot of time in the hall closet, standing in Mom's coats and feeling the silky lining of her furs and soaking in her perfume. So it was no surprise I began to try on her pantyhose and nightgowns. She caught me once. All she said was to fold and return everything where I found them. We never talked about it. I soon collected my own 'stash' to wear. I was good at mowing people's lawns and made my own money. Lucky we lived not far from discount clothing stores. By high school I had several items in my closet.
After being dumped by the girl in high school, I became a Christian and began on a journey to become a minister and tell the world about Jesus. As time went on I learned I could be a minister of Jesus in any profession I choose. So I never became an ordained minister, but I was a member of a ministry in the 70's.
I even led my ex to Jesus. We discovered the LGBTQ.... ministers and my understanding of inclusiveness was expanded.
However, after that the communal fundamental ministry I was in did not allow any of that and that is where I was at the time, so I thought all that was an abomination, including me, since I had this thing about female clothes and for some reason drifted to the girls in the ministry. I was counseled about it several times. Finally, I met a girl in 1978 and left the ministry to marry her. My pastor was against her from the beginning.
We had a year, then each year for three we had one child, two boys and a girl. By then I knew my wife was a liar and a thief. But the biggest surprise was yet to come. After my daughter was two months old, I came home one day and everyone was gone. Every picture and personal item that was not mine was gone. I asked around and no one knew and her family would not say.
I tried to find her, but finally had to start thinking about my survival and found a job out of town. I was so distraught and depressed my mother was the only one that knew where I was. The job was 'under the table', so there was no paper trail. The job finished and I returned and found another. This time above board. Shortly I received a letter from the court telling me they just discovered I was still alive. I am sure glad they told me that. I was beginning to think I was dead. Anyway, evidently before they removed her parental rights, my wife turned our children over to Social Services and told them I was dead. Their final placement hearing was coming up and they wanted to know what I wanted to do. Turns out that even though I was not involved with my children for a year, through no fault of my own, I still had to prove I could parent them. So I began what they called the reunification program. It was rigged in their favor though. I finally lost because of their antics. It was close though. What I learned is Social Services is big business. The county gets money for every child in the system and they hold on like glue. Our children ended up in Christian foster homes and I was glad for that. But when I went to share that good news with my wife she gave me another surprise. She exploded and told me all that Christian stuff was b.s. and the only reason she told me she was one was to keep me from telling her about Jesus. So when she asked for a divorce I divorced her.
During all this time I met a lady that needed an assistant to help her do things she could not anymore. She had raised two daughters, survived her husband having a very public affair and plugging the toilet to get off, then fell and became disabled and alone. I became her care provider through IHSS. I made 4.72/hr for 44hrs/mo. She helped me with the legal paperwork of my children's hearing and reports and helped me to file the divorce papers. Through it all we became close to each other. Even though she was more like my mother. That part was actually good because in the last three years I had lost my mother, her brother and her mother. So her, my uncle and my grandmother. I needed a mother and she needed someone to mother.
When my wife found out about my secret in our first year she was repulsed that I would want to appear as a woman and I buried it. When this woman found out she said it had to cost less than a plumber, so she was alright with it. She said you have to be the person you are, not what others think you should be. So she let me wear womens clothes around her. Back then Social Security was funny about things and when she went to change her address to a PO Box they said that was alright as long as her assistant lived in. So I moved in. We became close and eventually married. Her youngest daughter married my younger brother.
I began therapy to discover more about me. I learned that my frustrations stemmed from me being raised as a male when I hated all me. Which meant I hated myself. So I decided I just would not be male. That began with me dressing at home and eventually my wife was raising a third daughter. She took me from teen girl to womanhood. This all took place from 1985 to 1990. By then I was completely transitioned to a woman. We had gone back to school and I transitioned at one college and transferred to another as a woman.Never had a problem. We were club officers, senators and very well liked by everyone.
Through a Human Sexuality class instructor I found a therapy group and a social club. Up until then I did my transition without hormones or any help, except my wife's, did not know there were others. Through the therapy group I learned there was over 500 in the Bay Area. I was gobsmacked! Then I saw the numbers every month at the social club. We both got involved and I was nominated Education co-chair and she the librarian. It was a very exciting time. I became even more familiar with the LGBTQ.... community. As a trans girl I was one of the many that became coat check girls for the many events during the gay court's coronation celebrations. I saw jewels and furs and gowns that would put the Royal Family to shame. Many of them were handmade by the wearer. Lotsa talent there.
Our club had a cotillion every year. This is where a new girl can come and be presented in her finery to our 'society' as a debutante. This was also a pageant to find the next girl to represent the club in charitible events during the year. There were questions, a lingerie portion, talent portion, and an evening gown portion. My talent was me singing "I am what I am" from La Cage Aux Folles bridging into Diana Ross' "I'm Coming out" using my own voice for both. No lip sync for this girl. I had a blast and made a lot of friends. I have probably met more gay royalty than government officials. I even met Emperor Norton before he died.
As the Education co-chair I scheduled meetings and demos for makeup, wigs and hair, deportment, charm school, image consulting, therapy and SRS, ftm, mtf, TV, TS, safety and self-defense, you name it, we had it. We had events and excursions around town. It was very educational and fun.
Then there was a series of medical problems. My wife had a hysterectomy and became diabetic. After falling and breaking the other leg she had surgery for that and came out with a peptic ulcer. After surgery for that she could not eat for two months and lost 95 pounds. She always said she loved the weight loss, but would not recommend the method.
She graduated in 1994 with four degrees and 13 certificates in Accounting, Business, and Small Business. We were planning on starting a business with several under the original. In 1997 she had a TIA (small stroke and lost all of it. She couldn't even make a shopping list or microwave a bowl of green beans. Very sad. By October 1998 she was gone. The heart just stopped. A year later I could stand it no longer. My fem self moved to another area.
In 2000 I met a lady on my phone bank for a campaign I was volunteering for. She gave me a place to stay with her and her roommate. I was not looking for another relationship but she wanted to be with me. She was also disabled and her roommate too. I became their IHSS care provider. Eventually she and I moved into our own place. We finally realized we loved each other and made our vows to each other Feb 24 2000. I was still grieving the death of my second.
But I got through it and realize that my current wife is the love of my life. We have been together 19 years and been through the worst. In 2011 DMV forced me to change my ID to my birthname and gender. Since then I have found out it was a mistake and I now have papers to change the birth certificate and ID to my female name and gender. I have been living seven years as a man (or at least trying to) after living nineteen years as a woman and been miserable the whole time. I have learned a lot about God, myself and my place here in the world. I am ready to be who God created me to be. Not what others believe I should be. I am waiting to see an endocrinologist to get my hrt re-instated. I hope I can find an insurance that will pay for my SRS and other surgeries.
I look forward to meeting as many as I can on here and in the process be a help to those that need it.
With love, ReubyLouise
