Just needed to say this and have it out there.

[Sarah Winters]

Not sure if this is the place to post...

Dysphoria

As sad as it may sound, wearing a pink shirt helps. Looking down seeing feminine colors, painted nails, more fitting jeans, a skirt. Helps me to feel more aligned, more me. As long, as I don't look in the mirror, use the restroom, shower, speak.  I can feel bad, look down, see clothes that align, and get a slight lift. It feels cozy to see myself right, good. But it doesn't last. There's always a disconnect, and I hate myself all the more. Why couldn't I have been born right. Did my mom, or father eat something, or do something that raised the odds against me. Was it somehow my fault. Why didn't I have this information sooner. Could I have fought to transition earlier. With my mothers religious beliefs likely not, but maybe at eighteen I could've started, and ended up less of the freak I am today. I want to die, but I'm to cowardly to push the extra inch. So I cut, and I cut, and I cut. But the hurt remains. The relief is short lived. Seeing the blood pool, for some reason makes me feel better... for awhile. Sometimes only seconds. I wonder how the scars will look in the end. How many will I have. Most seem to heal, only one so far seems to have stayed. Not having more leaves me feeling like a fraud.

I can't afford surgery, but I need it with all I have. Bottom surgery, facial hair removal, feminizing face surgery, trachea shave,voice surgery, breast implants (if they don't grow properly), some type of hip increase to better match my shoulders. But I need bottom surgery the most, it would mean the least towards acceptance in public, but the most to me.

It feels like a cruel thing. A few years ago to finally learn there's treatment, and surgery for people like me. It's not just cross-dressing. Real help, Real hope, but I can't afford what I need the most. To realize it's there, but out of my reach. It hurts all the more. I am glad that some are able to get the help they need, and I know I am but one of many in my current situation. So many of us need help, so few will get it.

- Sarah Winters

[V M]

Hi Sarah 

Welcome to Susan's Place    Glad to have you here, join on in the fun

How about stopping by our Introductions Forum and introducing yourself so more folks can get to know you a bit better 

Here are some links to the site rules and stuff that we offer to all new members to help them along

Things that you should read

Site Terms of Service & Rules to Live By	Standard Terms & Definitions	Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar)	Cautionary Note
Reputation rules	News posting & quoting guidelines	Photo, avatars, & signature images policy	Membership Agreement

Hugs

V M

[MarshaJoy825]

Hello Sarah,
      Wow! You have been very open as you have shared about your dysphoria. I think many of us here totally understand what you are going through. I do hope that having the opportunity to open up your heart to others will help. Many of us here are willing to help and be friends with you. Once you post fifteen times on here you will be able to Private message those that are here. Sarah, please feel free to message me anytime. Many of us do care, please be patient and know that with time things are going to work out.  Hugs, Marsha

[Northern Star Girl]

@Sarah Winters
Dear Sarah
     I am so very glad that you have now have become a member here and that you have started posting in the Forums.
     
    As you continue to post on the forums you will be able to exchange thoughts and comments with others that are experiencing many of the same things that you are.   I expect that you will be getting many members offering their thoughts and suggestions as you continue to post here. 

   
     For sure this is the right place for you to be to find out what others may have to say that may have been in your circumstances and with your questions and concerns.
    There are a lot of members here that will be able to identify with your situation and as you continue to feel free to share with all of us.

     I see that our lovely member  @V M  has already welcomed you but please allow me to also warmly WELCOME you to Susan's Place. 
You will find this a safe and friendly place to share with others and to read about others similar trials, tribulations, and successes.

    As you are certainly aware you can share with others and involve yourself with some give and take with other like-minded members.  When frustrated or if you have successes you can share it here if you wish and receive support from others and offer support to others. ....
     ***There is a very good chance that you might find that you will make some new like-minded friends here. 

    Please come in and continue to be involved at your own pace.
   
    Attached near at the end of  V M's  message are important and informative LINKS that will help you to navigate around the Forums and will allow you to enjoy the features here.     
Please look closely at the LINKS in RED, answers are there to many questions that new members ask.

Again, Welcome to Susan's Place.
Danielle

[Dena]

Welcome to Susan's Place. I felt much like you as it appeared to me that it would be nearly impossible for me to transition. I knew what was possible but at the time, nearest care I knew of was over 2000 miles away and my bank savings amounted to a few hundred dollars. Time and work eventually changed all that. In far less time than I ever expected, I was able to obtain my goals. We still don't know enough about you to make suggestions but the only way the future you desire becomes impossible is if you give up.

[Northern Star Girl]

@Sarah Winters
Oh, and another thing Sarah...
As our lovely member @V M suggested in her Welcome Message to you,  please plan to write a brief introduction in the Introductions Forum so that other members will be aware of your arrival... therefore you will be able to share your thoughts with more members here.
     
Thank you again for joining Susan's Place and being involved in the Forums here.
Best wishes to you,
Danielle
NOTE: Now after all of this Greeting Stuff I will let you have your thread back so that the exchange of conversation can continue.
Other members here will certainly be along to give you their comments and suggestions that you may be seeking

[CynthiaAnn]

Hi Sarah, GD is terrible, it takes time to fix it, sometimes lot's of time.  I personally know someone that applied for a grant to receive her bottom surgery from the Jim Collins foundation and is happily post op today thanks to this organization. I would imagine 1000's apply, but you never know. Never give up is my message, it took me decades to fix this, you can do it too !

https://jimcollinsfoundation.org/

Hugs

Cynthia -

[Faith]

My instant concern was/is the cutting. Please seek help to eliminate this action. As you stated, it is short-lived respite and very detrimental to you overall. Self-harm in any way is never the answer.

[Ann W]

As sad as it may sound, wearing a pink shirt helps. Looking down seeing feminine colors, painted nails, more fitting jeans, a skirt. Helps me to feel more aligned, more me. As long, as I don't look in the mirror, use the restroom, shower, speak.  I can feel bad, look down, see clothes that align, and get a slight lift. It feels cozy to see myself right, good.

Girl, it doesn't sound sad at all. It sounds like life. OMG, the first time I painted my nails my brain exploded. Who knew? The first time I wore women's underwear, it was like magic; within 24 hours, every pair of boy shorts I owned was in the dumpster. I don't own any men's clothing anymore, but at one time when I still did I noticed that when I wore women's clothing I could breathe. Dressing like a man was very stressful for me, and I didn't even realize it. So, you're not strange at all.

Why couldn't I have been born right.

I'm with you there.

Was it somehow my fault.

I don't think so. Lots of people are born with birth defects. It's just life.

Why didn't I have this information sooner.

How old are you? Some people don't figure it out until they're about ready to retire. Like me. I lost a lifetime to dysphoria, and I didn't even know it. You're lucky to know who you are now.

I can't afford surgery, but I need it with all I have.

I don't know if I need it, but I want it with all I have. Like you, I can't afford it.

We do what we must, and we're not alone. We have each other. The alternative is to give up, and that's not acceptable, at least to me.

I just noticed your name. It's lovely, truly. I almost took your last name, myself. It was between yours and the one I eventually chose. It was a tough call.

[Sarah Winters]

...
How about stopping by our Introductions Forum and introducing yourself so more folks can get to know you a bit better 
...

Thanks for the links, will read. I have now made my introduction.

Hello Sarah,
      Wow! You have been very open as you have shared about your dysphoria. I think many of us here totally understand what you are going through. I do hope that having the opportunity to open up your heart to others will help. Many of us here are willing to help and be friends with you. Once you post fifteen times on here you will be able to Private message those that are here. Sarah, please feel free to message me anytime. Many of us do care, please be patient and know that with time things are going to work out.  Hugs, Marsha

I feel the need to be open right now, even if it bites me back somehow. I'm trying to be patient, but its such a difficult thing. Thank you for the invitation to talk.

Dear Sarah
     I am so very glad that you have now become a member here and that you have started posting in the Forums.
...

Nice to meet you.

Welcome to Susan's Place. I felt much like you as it appeared to me that it would be nearly impossible for me to transition. I knew what was possible but at the time, nearest care I knew of was over 2000 miles away and my bank savings amounted to a few hundred dollars. Time and work eventually changed all that. In far less time than I ever expected, I was able to obtain my goals. We still don't know enough about you to make suggestions but the only way the future you desire becomes impossible is if you give up.

That does help put it in perspective a bit. Seeing as I only have to travel about 70 miles. I'm trying not to give up. I guess part of that is reaching out.

Hi Sarah, GD is terrible, it takes time to fix it, sometimes lot's of time.  I personally know someone that applied for a grant to receive her bottom surgery from the Jim Collins foundation and is happily post op today thanks to this organization. I would imagine 1000's apply, but you never know. Never give up is my message, it took me decades to fix this, you can do it too !

https://jimcollinsfoundation.org/

Hugs

Cynthia -

Thank you so much for the link. I will try and see. Its nice to see that people are out there trying to help.

...
How old are you? Some people don't figure it out until they're about ready to retire. Like me. I lost a lifetime to dysphoria, and I didn't even know it. You're lucky to know who you are now.
...
I just noticed your name. It's lovely, truly. I almost took your last name, myself. It was between yours and the one I eventually chose. It was a tough call.

I'm 34. I knew since I was young, but as I got older the dysphoria grew worse. I only learned of the whole transgender spectrum around 3 years ago, thanks to Caitlyn Jenner headlines.

I like your name as well, thank you.

It feels like me, like that's my name, and could only ever be my given name. A soft sounding name. Everyone says Sarah with an 'h'. And after introducing myself a few times, I've adopted it in public as well. It means princess.

Winter is my favorite time of year, as long as I'm not in it. The division between road and land disappears, before the plow comes. White, soft, clean, silent. Somewhat hiding the suburban markers, and making me feel enclosed, safe. The noise of life is muffled. The world feels settled. We are also all kind of dealing with life. Wintering the bad weather.

Thank you all for the replies, the welcome, support, and acceptance. It means something.
Hugs all.