Hi everyone,
I'm glad this website is here.
I've been on and off this site for years, but only in the last year have I thought about joining. Today I did it, and even if all my questioning leads to nothing, I can at least say I tried.
So, where I'm at. I'm 36, married with two very young kids. Roughly 6 months ago, my head burst with the idea that I might be trans or fluid of some sort. I'd had a bit of a health scare regarding a lump in my testicle. It all turned out to be absolutely fine and to be honest I kinda knew it would. However, the thing that caught me off guard, was that I thought that if it were to be removed then it would give me an excuse to move closer to being trans - i'd had thoughts building up to my medical examination. I know it is insane, but that's where my head took me. Every single day since then, I have questioned every aspect of my being. It has driven me crazy but I have also had some moments of peace with the idea. I have googled every idea about being and alternatives to being trans. I have looked at OCD thinking. I have asked myself over and over, is this all because I am in the most stressful point of my life (second child just born, financially under pressure as a self employed main bread winner and stretched emotionally with other family issues). But then when I actually look back over my life, I have connected so many dots, it is hard to just pass it off without investigating.
Being 36, is another reason why it's taken me aback, I would have thought I'd have worked the world out by now, but it feels it may be only just beginning.
Looking back over my life, the signs have been there I guess. I have cross dressed since very young. I recall looking through the women's clothing catalogue behind the sofa when I was 7/8 - the boring clothes as well as the lingerie! I wanted to be female characters whilst playing with friends. But these are just a few of so many many things - dysphoria(what i now know) and sexuality issues throughout my 20s/30s. From my youth however, two main events play on my mind, 1) being dressed up by my sisters when i was maybe 4/5 as wonder woman and enjoying it - only for my mum to scold my sisters for doing it, i felt ashamed and confused. 2) I must have been about 9, I remember my mum saying a relation had come out as transgender - she said he was 'mentally ill' and was noticeably upset about his actions - that experience has stuck with me all my life.
This weird thing I've done in my bedroom, alone all my life, I have attributed it to being a weird kink/fetish or even a mental illness. Something that no one should ever know about, especially knowing that your own mother looks so badly on it. To be honest, now I'm mature enough to see the wood for the trees. I sincerely hope she has updated her views - but this is something I'm trying to build up to confront her with. I feel like she may help me join the dots of my childhood, but I am so scared of asking. We are good friends so I shouldn't be scared, but how can you not be?!
In fact, I am in limbo of what to do in general. I have no rush to medically transition, even though I do wish my body was different. I feel that I owe to everyone in my life to spend some serious time questioning and talking to a counselor/therapist. I haven't contacted one yet, but I've drafted about 100 emails, one day I'll press send.
I think the hardest bit of all this is feeling like I'm cheating on my wife whom I've not told anything to yet. I'm starting a process (even if it just be questioning) that is not involving her and yet may affect her and my children's entire world. I had never considered that I might be trans before I married. I just thought I had a weird side to me that I'd just forget about and have a happy ever after 'wife and two kids' scenario. I feel so naive.
For those of you who are married, how did you begin this process and keep your guilt at bay? My crossdressing has been non existent as of late and it's killing me, so I can't even tie it in with that guilt! What I do know however, is that I've never quite found the joy and happiness that I expect to experience with certain life events. I've always found myself asking why? What is missing.
Anyway, that's enough of an intro for now. I've got so much more crap to offload, but what I've just written above is more than I've ever said to anyone ever on this planet. So, here goes...
Lucy?