Hi, I am Mariabella

[Mariabella]

Hello loves, I am Mariabella, a sixty year old trans woman who was raised as  daughter till about six when the men in the family had a talk with mother. I was a child so went long but snuck into girls clothes when I could and transitioned to doing my make up too when about 13-14 this was 1971. Well I was caught dressed and in makeup by mother who expressed anger and surprise and then tried to have me put into psych care. The same woman who had made me her daughter as a wee child was now threatening electroshock along with the nazi therapist she hired for getting into her clothes and makeup. Needless to say I learned a thing and put my secret away.
But is has always resurfaced when I am stressed. Forward some years and a family of my own and a cis-normal life. The male persona I created to survive was good at work and did various dangerous jobs with very good pay. At this point I rarely had the impulse to be femme as I was consumed by the life I was living.
Forward again, The children are grown and I am now disabled and no longer conforming to the demands of the male persona..couple this with the stress of illness and finances brought back my safe haven of my femme side. The sickness grew and I became sick and sad to the point of suicide as I was no longer the "man" I created and I was still denying Mariabella her rightful place as the expression of my truest self. Tis came to a crisis point two yrs ago and I began the process of killing the man inside or dying by his hand. At first I was in a pink fog and frantically dressing and making up my face whenever alone. This has passed and I have been working on my presentation as an older woman in earnest and with a new found sense of purpose to my life. Over about 18 months I have begun the process of changing my presentation to my family as a femme. I have yet to fully flesh out the whole issue but I have an amazing partner who has been bisexual in her past and I truly believe will be there after this is my reality full time. My children are awesome people raised to be accepting and I know they will be there too. It is my fears and baggage holding me back. My experience with gender therapy was nightmarish and scaring and my medical history is punctuated by doctors milking my illness, Hence my post in the transgender forum about becoming a commodity.
Right now I have been on Spiro for almost twenty yrs for a heart issue and an injury has left the dangle boys in bad shape. I have begun the informed consent process with PP for hormone replacement as my negligible T is causing osteoporosis and My urologist is nearly on board for an orchiectomy ( suggested by my wife) due to sever pain and swelling due to injury. My first steps in living the balance of my days as the gender I have resonated with since my earliest memories.
My PTSD about therapy is an issue but I see it being a positive part of this especially for my dear beloved who despite loving me for my femme side is going to be taken aback when I tell her what I NEED to carry on in life and be the positive happy person she loves and wishes to grow old with. We have fluid gender roles in the home so my feminization I hope will only be a minor visual adjustment as I am as femme as she is but for some residual male persona glitches and she is as masculine as I am but for some native femininity in her own persona.
We talked this morning about me taking vocational rehab for hairdressing ( how cliche`, right?) and the big talk will come after she has finished her continuing education classes as I would not drop a bomb like this without the space to fully address it. Socially I have always been a lone wolf who mates for life and is not very vested in social interaction beyond casual friendships of which I believe the most dear will be supportive but shocked. My brothers will love me as sister eventually after their own shock has receded.
All this said I had thought I would die wearing a mask but the times have changed and I no longer face electroshock for my deviancy (rolleyes) I am finally free to be the woman I am inside and in that I have found new joy and purpose 
Besos
Mariabella

[Northern Star Girl]

@Mariabella
Hello again Mariabella:
After you became a member of Susan's Place yesterday you did a good thing following the LINK that I provided and coming here to the Introductions Forum to tell more members about your arrival and also more about yourself.

You will be able to have more give and take with thoughts and comments with like-minded members here.
More than likely you will even make some new friends here on the Forums.

Please be certain to read over the important and informative LINKS that I included in my welcome message to you yesterday regarding the rules here on the Susan's Place Forums. 
     
Please look closely at the LINKS in RED, answers are there to many questions that new members ask.

Again, Welcome to Susan's Place.
Danielle

[Mariabella]

Thank you for the kind welcome Danielle. Over the next bit I will get fully acquainted with the forum, it's rules and etiquette. Already a member has helped my delineate my needs in a way I have not really done and I feel more sure about my course of action now. I hope to get more feedback like that which challenges my thinking and keeps me from falling into the pink fog. You will find my demeanor here to be supportive and loving as first and foremost I am a nurturing human. I rarely fall into a funk but try to not make such things public unless I am feeling it is dangerously dark. luckily since Mariabella took over my reality those days are fewer. A thing my wife has complimented is that I am more of what she loves when I am more femme and these days I find the old persona rarely tries to arise in me. Our relationship is better and I do not think it will surprise her that I wish to finish this life as my feminine self. I honestly think she is waiting for me to feel OK with speaking my truth and knows the history of why it is weighted with baggage and fears. Anyway I ramble like an old biddy at times...
Besos,
Mariabella

[V M]

Hi Mariabella 

Welcome to Susan's Place    Glad to have you here, join on in the fun

Hugs

V M

[Susan R]

Hello Mariabella, it's a pleasure to meet you.  Your life story encompasses many similar characteristics to mine.  You and I close in age and have both made the decision that this is who we are.  It's been very good choice for me too.  I wish you the very best on your journey.  Thank you for sharing your story.  I hope to hear more about your journey as it unfolds.

Warmest Regards,
Susan R🌷