my mother said something offensive......

[OliverR.]

The other day I was with my mother, who knows that I am trans but still hasn't accepted it. She was talking to me about my twin brother who is also trans, but has started t a year ago and she basically told me she thinks all lesbians want to be men and that gay transmen don't exist. (I'm gay) MY brother is bisexual. Has anyone ever said this to you? It's extremely ignorant, but being a coward and the fact that when my mother gets mad she gets REALLY mad I just kind of shook it off. I think she may have a mood disorder which makes things even more difficult. Possibly bi-polar.

[Michelle_P]

The other day I was with my mother, who knows that I am trans but still hasn't accepted it. She was talking to me about my twin brother who is also trans, but has started t a year ago and she basically told me she thinks all lesbians want to be men and that gay transmen don't exist. (I'm gay) MY brother is bisexual. Has anyone ever said this to you? It's extremely ignorant, but being a coward and the fact that when my mother gets mad she gets REALLY mad I just kind of shook it off. I think she may have a mood disorder which makes things even more difficult. Possibly bi-polar.

Yes, there are a variety of wildly incorrect myths about trans folks in the gay/lesbian communities, as well as in the straight world.  Almost all conflate and confuse gender identity and sexual orientation.

I have had to dispel quite a bit of this nonsense in Trans 101 and Queer 101 classes I've taught.  Some lesbian factions actually believe that there is a 'trans agenda' to steal 'baby lesbians' and convince them to transition to men! 

I've been told that I transitioned to be a woman because I couldn't handle being gay (the 'failed gay' argument), and that I am 'too gay', transitioning to attract straight men along with gay. Both ideas fail miserably, as I am not at all attracted to men or masculine presentation!

Education is the only way I know of to dispel nonsense.

[OliverR.]

I wish people who say these things would actually do research, but of course they never will because they want to believe that. Wow, i didn't know about the "baby lesbian" thing..... how someone could actually believe that is beyond me. I don't see my mother as much these days, but when i do it's hard because she says these things and she feels she is right about everything so it's impossible to convince her. I can't win an argument and she always tells me how mean and horrible i am when i do speak up.

[Kylo]

Join the club. My mother's a scientist by profession and still thinks transsexualism is "a fad" and can't be bothered to go look it up in the uni library I guess.

We all have to get used to people who either can't understand or won't. You will be better off if you learn to rise above "being offended" by it is all I can say. People will never see eye to eye on some topics, this is just one of them. Your life, not hers. If you just get on with yours she'll have to deal with it one way or another. 

[OliverR.]

At this point I think the best thing to do would be to not see her that often. I have to admit, I've always been too reliant on my parents do to the fact that I've always had mental issues. However, my mother has always been very controlling (almost a helicopter parent) which has made it worse i think. I love them and have been worried about how they feel, but i just don't think i can do it anymore.

[Kirsteneklund7]

Hi OliverR and Kylo,
                                  I am reading a book recommended by a switched on dude called FTM by Aaron Devor who also happens to be trans.

In the book it investigates and looks closely at how our mothers(and fathers) influence us in our formative years. The dynamic seems to have a correlation with how our gender identity manifests itself as we mature.

I hate to say it but I endured a mother who was raised by an alcoholic and had certain mental issues as a result. Being slightly unhinged seems to often go hand in hand with either drinking too much or being a religious zealot( like my mother).

There seems to be a link between having a mother with mental issues and being trans. I bet some stats or some papers would reflect this.

Kindest regards, Kirsten.

Sent from my SM-G930F using Tapatalk

[OliverR.]

I can see why. My mother used to force my brother and i to bleach our mustaches and pluck our eyebrows(she would get really pissy if we refused.)As far as clothing goes she was okay, however I believe she was once anorexic because she used to not eat very much, but always would say that she did. One time when we were like 10 or 11 she saw that we were eating cheese-its and commented "you're getting too old to eat that much, you'll get fat." Later when I was 14 I developed an eating disorder, which was partly because of her behavior and partly because i didn't want to have"womanly features." She does this thing where she will do nice things for me which i'm very thankful for, but whenever we have a fight due to something nasty she said she would always mention how she's too nice to us and that we are terrible kids who have always been a problem. She told me recently that we almost caused my dad to leave her (which i never knew) and that it's not our fault we were born.

[Kirsteneklund7]

SHE may have nearly caused her huband to leave. Transferring the blame is a classic trick!

Sent from my SM-G930F using Tapatalk

[OliverR.]

Yeah, i thought of that actually. She is extremely hard to deal with sometimes (though she doesn't see this).I can tell when she's nagging my dad about something that he is very irritated. She doesn't deal with problems very well at all and has not dealt with me and my brother coming out well either. (though i understand it must be hard for her)

[Kirsteneklund7]

Thats the thing about being trans. It is pointless trying to blame other people. I can see you love your mother at the end of the day, as do I.

We really dont want to put others through the wringer over our gender expression but the kindest way is to say it like it is and be our most natural self.

Sent from my SM-G930F using Tapatalk

[OliverR.]

Yeah, I do love them but it can be so hard to listen to her say these things to me. The other day I was with her and for some reason she was telling "see I wear men's clothes." I don't know if she expected me to say "Oh, you do? Well, I guess it's normal and I'm not trans." Maybe i'm just overthinking what she was saying? After she said that I told her, "It's not the same thing."

[Linde]

SHE may have nearly caused her huband to leave. Transferring the blame is a classic trick!

Sent from my SM-G930F using Tapatalk

I am with you.  A husband is not married to the kids, but to the mother, and if she was to him as she was to the kids, i kind of can understand him!

[OliverR.]

yeah, i highly doubt we were the only cause. I think it's probably more how she reacted to the problems.

[MeTony]

What happens if you cut her out? I cut my dad out of my life at 16 y. It was hard and painful but a must to survive and not being mentally broken down. He eats your mind and breaks it to pieces and controls every breath you take.

Sometimes you need to cut people out for a while, some longer or forever. You can't "win" the arguments with your mom. Try not to come to that point where you start arguing.

People change by themselves. They need to want the change. You CAN'T change your mom if she does not want to change. And to the sound of it she is far from wanting to change.

I don't know how old you are. But if/when you are an adult, you need to stand on your own feet. Be independent and you do you. Your mom can't control you if you don't let her. Let her say crappy stuff but know in your heart she is wrong. Why? Because it is useless to argue with her. She just loops her thoughts and hurt you with feelings of guilt and shaming and won't accept what you say.


Tony

[OliverR.]

I'm 31 ( a little embarrassed) and was always a sheltered child. You're right, it's is about time I moved on and maybe some day she may possibly want to change (it's obvious i can't force her.)I've been thinking about moving a little further away so i can start over and be my own person.She acts like she wants to see me and she misses me, but whenever i see her she makes weird comments, possibly in attempt to make me miraculously change to how she wants me to be. By the way, how old were you when you came out?

[MeTony]

I came out 2,5 years ago. I'm 41.

But I have always dressed male. Except for a confused 3-year period after I had been depressed and tried to be the perfect woman to solve all my problems.

Tony

[OliverR.]

I actually went through that stage where i did the same thing. Needless to say, like you, it caused major depression. When i was younger i was kind of girly, but even when i was 9 i remember feeling "different." Around that age (9) i liked to draw cartoons a lot and remember drawing this male character (who i wished to be like) who was in to kind of girly things and liked other men.

[MeTony]

I was never into girly stuff. I used to play soccer and police and thief. I played Karate Kid. I wanted to be Karate Kid. All my role models were men. I never identified myself with women.

I don't know how much my hyperactivity caused me to play violent games/activities and be in frequent fist fights.

But still it took me 38 years to come out. Much because I did not know there was something called transgender before age of 28 thanks to internet.

But I'm omw now. To finally be me.


I used to draw a lot as a kid too. I drew pics in my sister's report about the French revolution. I can say they were not nice pictures. Lots of blood and gore.
But she got highest grade on the report. This was in the 80's. No computer pics avalible. You had to draw your pics yourself.


Tony

[OliverR.]

Haha, my brother used to draw a lot of blood and gore too! Yeah, it took me a long time to realize it too, when I was a kid I thought how i would've liked to be born male. For years I was under the false impression that I couldn't be trans because I mostly liked men (sometimes very masculine women though) then I found out that my feelings are valid and was very happy. Everything started to make sense to me.

[MeTony]

I came out as "lesbian" at 12. Told my friend she was best looking in the entire school. That was the end of our friendship.

Came out as Bisexual at 19.

I like men and women. I like the femme guys and girls. I guess it's because I am masculine myself.

Love is love and love is valid no matter how you love, masculine men, femme women, and all in between. You are valid and so are your feelings.