The journey has just begun, well actually when I was around 7 or 8 years of age, 46 years ago. Little did I know then the events that helped transpire to today.
I have just finished my third meeting with the Clinical Psychologist, a beautiful person that helps me in my sliding door moments. The sessions are quite exhausting after the 50 minutes of leaking my sole, bare for analysis and consideration. No answers given, that's for me to determine but guidance, suggestion and the Psychologist is a good listener.
Gender Dysphoria has its highs and lows, something that I have always experienced but never understood, until this point in time.
Next week I see a new Dr, regarding Gender Medicine and have got a referral to the speech dept at a nearby hospital. The thought of Blockers and HRT fill me with excited anticipation, that this testosterone which is so foreign to my body will be tamed giving my body and mind the chance to catch up with each other.
There are losses though, a marriage that is full of love but is strained especially this last year. A beautiful wife that unfortunately only sees a future of dysfunction that she feels she cannot accept. So candidly we walk a fragile path which is tolerated on a daily basis. Both our worlds turned upside down. My Social circle and family are very homophobic, so there are heavy losses and financial circumstances to be considered in this journey. Life's never straight forward is it? I have to dig deep and remember this is who I am even with nothing; I am rich in my identity.
As I write this I am dressed in a soft feminine white blouse and denim skirt with white sandals, the long cherry red nails radiate from the keyboard and amethyst stone in the ring looks cold in stark contrast. This is Michelle; I am beginning to come to the realisation that Michelle has always mentally and physically been here since birth. Mark never really existed. It was just a name not an identity, I now believe that the lows clinically experienced in 'Gender Dysphoria' isn't the maleness but the Michelle dressed down day, the wearing the trackie pants or the daks around the house type feeling. You know the warm soft sweeter and Ugg boot type rainy day gorge yourself DVD marathon and popcorn bonanza type of day. Wow that was a mouthful!
I'm still Michelle but I don't have to dress the full gamut to prove anything, so except me as I am - Female in a Males body!
I do love the full gamut though. It feels very organic and lots of fun and I embrace it with passion!
They say with talking about your challenges or writing, putting things down on paper is therapeutic. Please consider though to the fact that alone time can be enlightening, moments of solace can allow one to reconnect to the processing that is required and internal organising that has to be done and maintained at regular intervals to get yourself through. Maybe this is a form of meditation?
I visualise now how important that it will be to network, to find like minded souls to connect with so my journey is not cold and dark but contains light and guidance, friendship and a feeling of spirit. I have to reinvent myself.
I introduce myself as Michelle, hello...
