How/when did you know you were transgender

[Jeal]

One thing I do wonder is how much testosterone stops your mind being your own. I'm no where near starting any form of HRT, but I wish I could try it for a month to see if the real me might be in there.

Hi Lucy!

This is anecdotal, but I started a T blocker (Spiro) almost four weeks ago.  I also wanted to see if lowering testosterone would make me feel better.  So far I feel more calm, and a lot less angry.  Now, that could just be from taking a big step forward despite some heavy obstacles, but I really do feel like some wall or static is clearing.  I just feel better.

I also am very fatigued, probably a side affect or my metabolism adjusting, or both.  In a few weeks I start Estradiol.

It was somewhat hard last week, I realized I was quite depressed about my marriage ending due do to my transition.  Previously, I had this nervous energy and anger that drove me.  Now I am working through the grief.  Maybe it would have been the same without the T blocker, but who can say?  I consider starting HRT a godsend for my mental/emotional health.

Abby,
My gender identity has been something which I have avoided since High School.  I started obsessing over being a girl when I was 5 or 6, but I was very ashamed of it.  In High School I became very suicidal and I learned how to repress it and function, but I  became almost completely emotionally numb.  Got married, had kids, but in the last eight years I kept deteriorating with worse and worse anxiety and depression until last year I became very suicidal again.  I have been in therapy for six years, and I finally unfroze - worst few months of my LIFE, but I am so grateful now because I am more at peace than I have been since I was a small child.  Puberty was HORRIBLE.  I wonder if it was the increase in testosterone.  Who knows? 

Bast of luck to both of you!!
Jael

[DawnOday]

Transgender was not a widely used term until the end of the eighties and that is when I realized I just might be.I always felt different from an early age.  But there were no gender therapists and so I got admitted to stress therapy groups. I honestly did not understand all those years as we were referred to with contempt. I didn't want to be a ->-bleeped-<-, gay, perv.  I finally learned I had no control over the situation as I was born this way.

[Linde]

I don't even know if or that I am transgender!  Yes, I changed from living as a man to be living as a woman, but I never really was a man. It just happened that I talked with my therapist about this today.  It seems that I did not have those dreams and desires to be dressed like a girl, because I am mostly female with my biology. Somebody decided to do a little creative surgical work and make me into a boy.  When most of you were dreaming to wear girls clothing, I tried as hard as I could to fit with guys clothing into a male world.  That went Ok for several decades, until the bottle top popped, and I could not play a guy anymore.  At that time I slowly started to reclaim my original body and my real gender.  The biology of my body helped out, and started to grow me breasts and atrophied my male genitalia, and now the final surgical phase has started, to eliminate all of that.  Pretty soon I have reclaimed my original body.  It took a while, but better late than never.
With that background, am I a transgender person, or am I just exchanging some body parts?  I really don't know.  My therapist feels that I don't really fit into the general transgender pattern, but I don't really care.

[Sophiaprincess2019]

Abby, how does one "know"..well for me I had a "Jesus take the wheel" moment and I let go of all control and let the universe take my soul where it belonged. As fate would have it, I naturally occur on this planet  as a woman, even though I'm housed in a male body (for now). Historically I never had a mean bone in my body. I never wanted to compete as a male. I've always been content being simple, uncomplicated. Like many I ignored the early signs of childhood because I didn't know how to interpret them. Now that I'm an educated adult I can see what yesterday was trying to tell me: "it's okay to be a girl"....So now I can get on with happiness and being authentic.

Sophia

[TaylorCr]

I say around the age of 10, at first I didn't know which one. It was finally at the age of 30 I realized I was bigender. I knew I had the urges to dress as female. Now at 40, I live a better life as Taylor and not going back in my male mode anymore.

[pamelatransuk]

I was very young when I realized that I wished I were a girl.  I don't think it was until around 1997 that I became familiar with the word Transsexual, although I had heard of ->-bleeped-<- and cross dresser years before that, but neither seemed to fit me.  I'm not sure if I would be considered transgender, as I am not transitioning.  It gets a bit complicated, I feel the dysphoria, want to be a woman, but the fear of transitioning and paranoia of society, and anxiety around people in general tend to keep me from ever progressing.  So,  I'm not sure if I really qualify here.

Hello again Dear Zamber

Your reply 16 was just after mine at 11 and we have similar histories.

I never really expected to address my transgender situation but thought I could live it or rather had to because of the societal disapproval but as I say, eventually I had no choice other than to deal with it and I am publicly transitioning in Summer.

Whether you take action to deal with being transgender either now or in the future or not at all is of course entirely up to you. The time may come or it may not.

However from your post, you most certainly do qualify as transgender. One's transgender status is not decided by degree of transition; many do not transition but are still equally valid in realizing/determining/calling themselves transgender.

Hugs

Pamela

[Finding Lauren]

I guess my determination that a terrifying word ... that word, applied to me, was long and  enchanting/painful. 
When I eventually relented to the building pressure to express, in even a minor way, I was in heaven.  When I resisted for more than a few months after that, I was lost in frustration. 
There were so many hints through my early years, and only upon tallying them did that produce the mind shattering revelation that I was transgender ... without a doubt. 
A 25 hour a week obsession with YouTube TG videos was the key to seeing my identity clearly.  So many times I could relate exactly with the feelings expressed.
I was in deep shock for weeks when the absolute conclusion hit me.
Getting to the point of forgiving myself is another story, but I am there now and the happiest I have ever been.  My personality was released.  Humor and creativity just bubbled up from within, even though I'm open to just two people so far.  I'm so much easier to be around.



Loving community,

Lauren

[Jeal]

I guess my determination that a terrifying word ... that word, applied to me, was long and  enchanting/painful. 
When I eventually relented to the building pressure to express, in even a minor way, I was in heaven.  When I resisted for more than a few months after that, I was lost in frustration. 
There were so many hints through my early years, and only upon tallying them did that produce the mind shattering revelation that I was transgender ... without a doubt. 
A 25 hour a week obsession with YouTube TG videos was the key to seeing my identity clearly.  So many times I could relate exactly with the feelings expressed.
I was in deep shock for weeks when the absolute conclusion hit me.
Getting to the point of forgiving myself is another story, but I am there now and the happiest I have ever been.  My personality was released.  Humor and creativity just bubbled up from within, even though I'm open to just two people so far.  I'm so much easier to be around.



Loving community,

Lauren

Hi Lauren,

I can relate to your post very well!  I still feel like a train wreck, but for the first time since I was a child I can actually imagine getting back on the tracks and moving forward.

[Finding Lauren]

Jeal,

Susan's had a posting before about the good things about being trans.  It took me from shock to forgiveness.  I didn't realize I needed to forgive myself, but accepting being trans is a long way from being at peace.
The post listed "tendencies" for trans people.  I had no idea that more than feminine interests for me were part of this.  Some believe our brains are somewhat double wired.  As a result we often tend to:

-be more intelligent
-be more creative
-have good taste
-watch less sports, and be more interested in ideas

Reading it I heard the words of my friends.  These were the things they liked most about me ... and the things I liked most about myself. 
Would I give up these traits and the appreciation for women's things, to be normal (is that boring?) if I could?
I couldn't and I know I'm better this way.  Instant forgiveness.



Lauren, definitely Lauren

[Linde]

Jeal,

-be more intelligent
-be more creative
-have good taste
-watch less sports, and be more interested in ideas

Lauren, definitely Lauren

I think the first point jives pretty well with the second one.

I don't know how close it applies t me, but I made my living in a research lab, and had to be creative all the time.

The third point would apply to me, because everybody thinks i am dressed very well all the time, and also have a very good taste for specialty foods and I appreciate them.

And for number four, I can't remember that I watched sports ever, in fact, I do not have a working TV!  And if one does not waste time with watching TV, ideas are the stuff that keeps one going!

[Allie Jayne]

Since I became aware there were boys and girls, I felt I was on the wrong side. At 4 years old, I asked my Mother why I had to be a boy, 'cause I was really a girl, and she told me I had to be a boy and if I told anyone else I would get into really big trouble. So I grew up confused, and cried nightly as puberty made me into the man I had vowed never to be. It was in my teens (mid 1960's )before I first heard terms for gender confused people, and I realised I wasn't alone so I could loosely put a name to what I was, but the term transgender didn't come for decades.

All I knew as a young person that any male who was in any way feminine was a 'Poofter" and could be bashed without fear of being charged. It was actually seen as a way of 'straightening out bent people'.

Allie

[Tessa James]

I think a lot of us realize something is different between 5 and 8 when gender roles are enforced.  I remember around 7 my father arguing with my mother about how they "are not going to raise a girl."

After that my life was awkward...... 

Thank you for sharing this concept Cindy Lou.  My gender did not seem to matter at home and I was named Tessa by my older sister at age 3 as we played together as sisters.  My older brother warned me but it was in the strictly gendered parochial school system where I found myself in trouble and knew myself to be way different.  That was years before the word transgender had even been coined.  If our families and culture allowed a greater range of gender expression I think we would find many more people acknowledging their hidden truths.  Enforcement is key to cultural oppression and domination by simplistic binary thinking.  We are the truth too many must be afraid of.  What happens due to fear and ignorance is legion and well documented here and in real time.  Why does our gender matter so much to so many?

[Iztaccihuatl]

I think the first point jives pretty well with the second one.

I don't know how close it applies t me, but I made my living in a research lab, and had to be creative all the time.

The third point would apply to me, because everybody thinks i am dressed very well all the time, and also have a very good taste for specialty foods and I appreciate them.

And for number four, I can't remember that I watched sports ever, in fact, I do not have a working TV!  And if one does not waste time with watching TV, ideas are the stuff that keeps one going!

On the creativity front I have to mention that this woman-business that is constantly in the back of my head really has an impact on my creativity. It kind of occupies all the time when I can let my thoughts roam free (which is also the most creative time) and then there is no time left for creative ideas. (I have to mention that I am pre-transitioning FTM).

So, Dietlind, would you have even been more creative if you hadn't have to deal with gender issues?


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[Iztaccihuatl]

On the creativity front I have to mention that this woman-business that is constantly in the back of my head really has an impact on my creativity. It kind of occupies all the time when I can let my thoughts roam free (which is also the most creative time) and then there is no time left for creative ideas. (I have to mention that I am pre-transitioning FTM).

So, Dietlind, would you have even been more creative if you hadn't have to deal with gender issues?


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OOPS, I meant pre-transitioning MTF.


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[Linde]

On the creativity front I have to mention that this woman-business that is constantly in the back of my head really has an impact on my creativity. It kind of occupies all the time when I can let my thoughts roam free (which is also the most creative time) and then there is no time left for creative ideas. (I have to mention that I am pre-transitioning FTM).

So, Dietlind, would you have even been more creative if you hadn't have to deal with gender issues?


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I don't think so.  Our lab was so absolutely gender neutral (a white lab coat makes males and females look pretty much the same), and we had about the same number persons of each gender working there.
I think gender did not even come into my thoughts at that time.  This is the first time that I even take gender in consideration in relation to my work.  I really don't think gender or not would have made any difference.

Some funny little thing about my work.

I was a pretty popular seminar speaker, and was invited to many medical; conferences as a speaker.  it happened more than once that women came to m during a break and told me that they could listen to me speak forever because of the sound of my voice and my accent!
There it was out, they did not come because of the quality of the information, just for some version of sexist reason to hear my sweet voice with the accent!

[Alice (nym)]

I didn't have a name for it... but when I was 2 years old I knew I wanted to be a girl. I was in playgroup and was playing with a purple sparkly car... it was a beach buggy/beetle type car... lots of rounded curves, I wasn't interested in the angular cars and that was the only one which was pretty. Another boy had ALL of the other cars and wanted the car I was playing with too and started getting violent about it. I looked up for the 'supervisor'/'staff' woman for help and then I noticed a girl who had long hair tied back with either a ribbon or headband (my memory is good but not that good) and was wearing a beautiful dress, tights, and playing with a rag doll and push chair... and all I could think of was that I wanted to be like her.

I've no idea if I said anything to my parents about it, but I learned very quickly that I had to pretend to like boy things... and to a certain extent I didn't mind some of the things... action men was just dolls for boys and I liked the nice uniforms and dressing them up etc. Toy soldiers were not too bad, lego was unisex, and I liked strategy games. So it wasn't too difficult. But I always longed to be a girl. That never went away.

A couple of people guessed along the way but not many. One baby sitter who recognised that I wanted to be a girl who tried to dress me up and put make up on me but I resisted fiercely because it would've given away my secret. My sister grassed on her to my parents the next day and we never saw that baby sitter again. A teacher guessed and she was awesome. She made a point of teaching us in history that boys in the past used to wear dresses until a certain age and she brought in some victorian clothing and I was so chuffed that I was the only person in the class who could fit into the corset. She allowed me to do baking and cooking during story time too. And she gave me an excuse to wear some make up without giving away my secret by getting me involved in the school plays. She was great.

The worst time was between 13-24... I was suicidal at 17. I didn't know it was called dysphoria then... but it was really bad. I tried to cut my genitals off several times but couldn't make myself do it. I was crossdressing at every opportunity in my mother's and sister's clothing. Started collecting items and cuttings from newspapers of transsexuals... which were usually negative and sensationalist but there was no internet then. Then I started purging and trying to be manly... and that cycled for a while.

I started dating a bisexual girl around the age of 26 who treated me like a woman in the bedroom and that made things much easier. But eventually she called me out when we saw a transwoman being jeered in the street and she asked if I wanted to be like her... I panicked a little and just replied that I thought she was brave and left it at that. 2 weeks later we split. So when I met my wife, I made sure she knew before we married. I thought I had it under control. I had made my peace with it and decided that I couldn't transition because I would never pass... I was losing my hair, I was too tall, my feet size were too big... think of an excuse and I thought it.

I coped by not thinking about gender. I avoided anything to do with male/female binaries and just thought of people. I hated feminism with a passion because it threatened the illusion of a non-gender society that I had constructed in my mind as a coping mechanism.

However, last year I got laid off from work and had to start applying for new jobs... ticking the male/female box on the equality form became more and more difficult... until eventually the dysphoria just took over once more... this time really strong and it feels like it gets worse every day.

So I've always known since I was 2 years old that I was transgender (even if I didn't have a name for it)... but I've always struggled to suppress it and keep it hidden. Now I am struggling on what to do about it. My doubts are not about who I am, but what to do about it. I need to learn not to worry about what other people think of me and start worrying about myself but that is easier to say than do when you've kept it hidden for so long. It is very difficult.

That seems quite a long post but I've shortened it a lot.

[Alice (nym)]

All I knew as a young person that any male who was in any way feminine was a 'Poofter" and could be bashed without fear of being charged. It was actually seen as a way of 'straightening out bent people'.
Allie

Same experience... except my father was one of the far right nutters who went gay bashing in the town and he's got a criminal record for GBH which he is proud about. I was repeatedly told that anything feminine was bad. There were a couple of boys on the street my father thought were not manly enough and I was repeatedly encouraged to fight them.  My grandmother repeatedly said she only liked boys much to my sister's distress. I was forced to go hunting and I cried a lot at first about having to go... eventually I learned not to cry... meanwhile my sister wanted to go but my father refused to take her. I swear me and her were born in the wrong bodies. My father still calls me a 'pufta' when we get into arguments about his politics... although now he can no longer hit me and I've put him on his back the last two times he's tried. I struggle a lot about what to do because he's still alive. I hate his politics but he's still my Dad and he sounds awful but he wasn't too bad of a father if I played ball and acted male.

[Finding Lauren]

Alice,

Your story just breaks my heart.  The trauma of it is ... well my deepest sympathies girl.
The idea of fighting a baby sitter that wanted to dress you, hit me in a way I almost had forgotten.  What a scar, to be offered something you deeply needed, but couldn't take.  I had a similar incident.
My new high school hazed the "frosh", or first year students.  It wasn't brutal, but we were given written instructions on what boys and girls would wear.  I was horrified that boys were to wear pantyhose and their gym shorts, plus some other silly stuff.
Well I was sure that I wouldn't go near pantyhose.  My mother heard about there being instructions and I wanted to hide, despritely, when she expected to see them.  That just peaked her and my sister's interest.  They read them and suddenly went into giggles, and rushed around looking for the right pantyhose for me ... the look in their eyes, and their smiles sent a chill up my spine!  They were into it.  They saw an affront to my manhood as fun turnabout to tease me with.  I also faught wearing girl's things, knowing it might reveal me. Knowing maybe that I couldn't stand the thrill of it.  I regret to this day not going to school in pantyhose with a perfect excuse, not going through the delight of my mother and sister on feminizing me.  Not letting something special threaten to begin back then, with girls that were enjoying it.  Their sympathy and help for such a confused boy was such a likely outcome.
Do you regret not being able to accept the dress from your baby sitter? 
I was I thought very stealth, but I did seem to attract bullies.  I never figured out why.  So many guys have radar for softness.  I felt confused, and that it was just what all the other boys were going through, that I would make it past this too.  My shyness around girls hid the depth of my jealousy.  My withdrawn aura was caused by my feeling that I had no path forward.  I didn't see myself clearly then, and my actions betrayed my deep confusion.
My father was good, but he preferred my brother in subtle ways. Just hat hurt. I cannot imagine going through what you did ... though that one teacher sounded so nice.
Dating saved me.  Finally I had a cover to be so close to the feminine world.  I had permission to have mostly female friends.  It saved me for years, until being faced with the knowledge that the girl I really needed to be close to was within me.  That she was going to be my most challenging catch.  That she was going to turn my life inside out! 


Hugs,

Lauren

[Jeal]

Dating saved me.  Finally I had a cover to be so close to the feminine world.  I had permission to have mostly female friends.  It saved me for years, until being faced with the knowledge that the girl I really needed to be close to was within me.  That she was going to be my most challenging catch.  That she was going to turn my life inside out! 

Lauren,

Living vicariously through my love interests pretty much describe me from 21-43.  It was falling in love with another woman (I have been married 13 years) that finally shook the truth loose from me.  I KNEW the young lady was a)a train wreck and horrible for me, b)I should be craving sex with her, why did I just yearn for her?  Why would I destroy my life for this girl?  It took me almost six months to come to grips with the truth, even though a month after it happened I had create a girl name for myself and was noticing that I was starting to dress and act like her.

So, now my old life is broken wide open, but I feel like I am finally on the right road.  MY road.  I wish things were different/easier, but it was fatalism that always doomed me.  I will never be what I feel I was meant to be, but why should that stop me from moving in the direction of my heart?

I am good friends with the young lady now.  I helped her get into a prestigious internship and there isn't a trace of sexual desire for her, though I still wish we could trade bodies

[Alice (nym)]

Hi Lauren,

It sounds like you went through a little bit of a similar experience about feeling the need to hide and reacting badly when anyone came close to revealing your secret.

Bullying... I feel your pain there... I was always a very chatty child. People used to joke that I could give any girl a run for her money when it came to talking. The first time I realised that it was possible to change sex, I was about 10 or 11 years old. There was a transwoman who lived in my village, her life was pure hell. The kids and a few adults would call her names and throw things at her etc. I was playing by myself in a local park and a couple of older kids came by with one lad from my year. While we were talking the transwoman walked by and the lads started shouting names at her and picking up rotting plums from a nearby tree and throwing them at her. I refused to join in. I was just shocked that it was possible to change sex. She was like an angel from heaven in my mind.

It was not long before the boys realised that I wasn't joining in their torment and they turned on me instead. They pinned me down on the ground and force fed me a rotten plum refusing to let me back up until I swallowed it. After that my life became pure hell. I was bullied on a daily basis and beaten up whenever they could catch me for the next 6-7 years. Anyone who tried to be my friend received the same treatment. I had a few friends in secret but they would not be seen with me in public or at school. I was completely ostricised at school. Beaten up regularly in the toilets or on the school bus.

I never gave them any excuse to do what they did to me... but I went from chatty to quiet. I am myself online but in person, I find it difficult to talk in company.

love
Alice