My boyfriend doesn’t know I’m trans

[JenJx]

Ive been dating a guy the past month. This doesn't sound like a lot but we have literally been with each other every day since our first date. I'm 5 years post op, but he doesn't know.

I wanted to wait until we knew each other better before disclosing, but one thing led to another and after getting caught up in the moment, we have now had sex (several times).

I do wanna tell this guy about my past, but I feel like now it's gone too far for me to tell him. I really like him and can see a future with him but I'm scared of how he might react and equally terrified of him rejecting me.

I know the "right thing" to do would have been disclosing before we slept together but things just happened so quickly and I was scared to tell him in case it ruined what we had.

I don't know what to do, whether to bite the bullet and tell him or break if off with him to avoid having to deal with it.

Has anyone been in a situation like this before where it's ended well?

Thanks!

[Northern Star Girl]

Ive been dating a guy the past month. This doesn't sound like a lot but we have literally been with each other every day since our first date. I'm 5 years post op, but he doesn't know.

I wanted to wait until we knew each other better before disclosing, but one thing led to another and after getting caught up in the moment, we have now had sex (several times).

I do wanna tell this guy about my past, but I feel like now it's gone too far for me to tell him. I really like him and can see a future with him but I'm scared of how he might react and equally terrified of him rejecting me.

I know the "right thing" to do would have been disclosing before we slept together but things just happened so quickly and I was scared to tell him in case it ruined what we had.

I don't know what to do, whether to bite the bullet and tell him or break if off with him to avoid having to deal with it.

Has anyone been in a situation like this before where it's ended well?

Thanks!

@JenJx
Dear Jen:
     I am so very glad that you have become a member here and this is your very first posting.   I am happy to see that you found the Susan's Place Forums.

    As you post on the forums you will be able to exchange thoughts and comments with others that are experiencing many of the same things that you are.   I expect that you will be getting many members offering their thoughts and suggestions as you continue to post here. 

    This is the right place for you to be to find out what others may have to say that may have been in your circumstances and with your questions and concerns.
    There are a lot of members here that will be able to identify with your situation and as you continue to feel free to share with all of us.

    I also want to warmly WELCOME you to Susan's Place. 
You will find this a safe and friendly place to share with others and to read about others similar trials, tribulations, and successes.

    As you are certainly aware you can share with others and involve yourself with some give and take with other like-minded members.  When frustrated or if you have successes you can share it here if you wish and receive support from others and offer support to others. ....
     ***There is a very good chance that you might find that you will make some new like-minded friends here. 

    Please come in and continue to be involved at your own pace.
   
    I have attached important and informative LINKS that will help you to navigate around the Forums and will allow you to enjoy the features here.     
Please look closely at the LINKS in RED, answers are there to many questions that new members ask.

Again, Welcome to Susan's Place.
Danielle

Here are some links to the site rules and stuff that all new members should be familiar with:
 

Things that you should read

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[Northern Star Girl]

@JenJx
Oh, and another thing Jen...
Please plan to write a post and tell us more about yourself in the Introductions Forum so that other members will be aware of your arrival... therefore you will be able to share your thoughts with more members here.
     
Thank you again for joining Susan's Place and being involved in the Forums here.
Best wishes to you,
Danielle
NOTE: Now after all of this Greeting Stuff I will let you have your thread back so you can pursue answers to your questions.
Other members here will certainly be along to give you their comments and suggestions that you may be seeking

[randim]

Breaking it off just to avoid possible rejection seems like a cure worse than the disease.  You need to tell him. Until he knows he's not loving the real you. I certainly appreciate how hard it can be to bring up a difficult topic, but the longer you wait the harder it will get. Maybe start a conversation about transgender in the abstract and see what his feelings seem to be?  Maybe you can segue into disclosure from that if he seems receptive?

[Devlyn]

Welcome to Susan's Place!

Folks are going to come in and tell you that your past is none of his business, and they're right. But by the same token, his past is none of your business... hopefully that past doesn't involve transphobia or violence against LGBTIQ people.

Personally, I wouldn't so much as go to dinner with someone without them understanding that I was transgender.

See you around the site.

Hugs, Devlyn

[JenJx]

The thought of even bringing the subject up to him in person fills me with dread. I feel like now we have slept together I've gone past the point of no return. Just thinking that he might throw the "you should have told me before we had sex" line at me makes me feel sick, partly because I know it would be a valid point.

I think if I was to tell him, it would have to be over text message. For safety reasons above anything else.

I just hate that this is even a discussion that we need to have. It doesn't get any easier as time goes or the more and more times you have to disclose.

[Jessica]

Hi Jen, welcome to Susan's Place!
This is a delicate situation whether you divulge your past immediately or in time.  Immediately is probably the best chance of not breaking any hearts, including your own.  I think that the longer time moves forward, it may or may not become more difficult.  If your relationship is of a caring, loving type he may accept you all the same.  Though he may have goals in his life that may not be able to be met, such as children.  (There are plenty of children that are in need of homes and family)
My suggestion is for you to make a date in a public venue (for your safety) and explain the situation.  Talk about the experiences that you both have had and what you hope for in the future.
Remember that if you find yourself with him in the future, he should be aware of your transition in case medical needs arise that could give him an unexpected shock.  And how embarrassing would it be for him if it was revealed by a doctor?
Love is where you find it and should never be discounted because of fear.

Hugs and smiles, Jessica

ps: @Alaskan Danielle (our Northern Star*Girl) welcomed you with her grace and charm and some very helpful links to information that will give you the best opportunity to learn and give while here at Susan's Place, please give them a look see 🌸🌸🌸

[stephaniec]

sorry for the problem that we trans carry with us all the time. I don't know the correct approach , but if it was me I'd slowly feel him out about his view of the LGBT community

[KathyLauren]

Hi, Jen.  Welcome!

I am sorry that you find yourself in this predicament.  It is going to hurt no matter how you handle it.  It is a matter of deciding which hurt is the least.

The sooner you tell him, the less it will hurt.  If you don't tell him at all, he will find out eventually, and that will really hurt everyone.  It could be the worst possible outcome for you.

I think telling him, in a public place for your safety, is the best option.  He then has the option of accepting you - the best outcome of all - or deciding to break it off.  If he can't accept you, this is not a relationship that you would have wanted to continue anyway.

[JenJx]

Thanks for your replies ladies. I think I will tell him, it's just a matter of when to do it. I feel like doing it over text would be the easiest and safest. I've wrote out a couple of paragraphs already trying to word it the best way, but there's just never a right time to say it.

I feel like we are both in a little bubble of happiness at the moment, and as soon as I tell him the bubble will burst 

[Devlyn]

The thing about disclosing upfront is that the relationship will never come crashing down because the partner found out something about you that they couldn't accept.

Since we know that the overwhelming majority of people don't want to be in a relationship with a transgender person, there's little to be gained by getting involved with them without disclosing.

[JenJx]

The thing about disclosing upfront is that the relationship will never come crashing down because the partner found out something about you that they couldn't accept.

Since we know that the overwhelming majority of people don't want to be in a relationship with a transgender person, there's little to be gained by getting involved with them without disclosing.

I've found telling people straight off the bat fruitless. They instantly don't want to be involved. Letting someone get to know me first gives a much better chance of being accepted once they've already started to like you for you.

Plus, the way I live my life I don't disclose my trans status to people I've just met. I have friends and co workers who don't know my background and neither should they. Telling people that is something so personal and unnecessary and even disclosing to a complete stranger is something that is near physically impossible for me to do. Maybe that's out of fear or my own issues or whatever, but I just don't feel the need for a stranger or potential date to know that about me.

9 times out of 10 on any first date I go on I will never want to see them again anyway, so what would be the point in going through that big emotional journey with someone when I know it might never lead to even a second meeting.

On this occasion I accept that I should have said sooner (definitely not before the first date) but I didn't and I can't change that now.

[PurplePelican]

Like Devlyn, I tend to disclose quite early on and don't find that it causes me too many issues.

I suspect that my attitude about being trans plays a part in this. I carry no shame or guilt for being trans or having transitioned. Not one bit. I also don't see being trans as anything other than a medical condition that requires appropriate treatment - that being transition.

[MeTony]

You should tell your bf sooner than later. But please be safe when you do. Do it in a public place where there are other people around. Prepare for the worst and the outcome might not be as bad.

Stay safe.


Tony

[herekitten]

Hi Jen,  I know the emotions that you are going through. From my perspective and my experiences, there is never a 'right' time or a 'right' way because situations and personalities are unique. Your heart will know best when to do it and hopefully it will be when you have gotten to know the person and he's had time to know you as well,  to a degree where you want to proceed with a relationship. Unfortunately, for women in our situation that step will always be there for us.  You've already done the naughty deed, so I suspect you are vested, and as you say "in the bubble of emotions". I remember one time, when I had to do what you are doing, he said he needed time to think --- and think he did. Unfortunate for him, I did thinking as well, so when he came back, it was too late. Such is life.  I wish you all the best in your relationship.  If you feel he is worth it, then it is worth the rollercoaster ride to tell him no matter the acceptance or rejection.

[JenJx]

Hi Jen,  I know the emotions that you are going through. From my perspective and my experiences, there is never a 'right' time or a 'right' way because situations and personalities are unique. Your heart will know best when to do it and hopefully it will be when you have gotten to know the person and he's had time to know you as well,  to a degree where you want to proceed with a relationship. Unfortunately, for women in our situation that step will always be there for us.  You've already done the naughty deed, so I suspect you are vested, and as you say "in the bubble of emotions". I remember one time, when I had to do what you are doing, he said he needed time to think --- and think he did. Unfortunate for him, I did thinking as well, so when he came back, it was too late. Such is life.  I wish you all the best in your relationship.  If you feel he is worth it, then it is worth the rollercoaster ride to tell him no matter the acceptance or rejection.

Thank you... that's a really great way of putting things. I really appreciate your kind, understanding words!

[Dani]

If you really do not know how he feels about transgender people, you may consider a telephone call from a safe distance in place of face to face in a public place.

On the other hand, you could gently mention the subject without applying yourself at all just to see his reaction. Maybe you could get his concerns about having children of his own. There are ways of bringing up the subject without outing yourself.

Good luck and let us know how it turns out. We are thinking of you.

[KimOct]

Hi Jen,  You seem like a very nice person that got into a situation that you did not intend to occur.  We all wish we had do overs in life so don't beat yourself up.  That said you need to find the courage to tell him.  Soon, or better yet even sooner.

Yes take your safety into consideration and be prepared for the worst and hope for the best.

I am pretty opinionated about being stealth but I am trying to be more understanding and respectful about that choice. My opinion is probably partially shaped by the fact I don't pass well but I truly in my heart of hearts think it is healthier in the long run to be open.  Does that present other problems? Absolutely but I won't go far into that topic.

Just as you want to make your own choices he has the same right to do the same.  If someone chooses not to be with someone that is trans that is their right.  It may be stupid, narrow minded, bigoted or whatever you want to call it but I think everyone has the right to deal with reality.

I feel for you, you obviously have strong feelings for him and you meant nothing wrong.  But you are where you are at with this so do the right thing.  Be safe !!!

Wishing you happiness.

[JenJx]

Thanks for your replies ladies. I appreciate all of your opinions and advice. I have drafted out a text message which I will send when I feel the time is right. Do you think this sounds ok? I've tried to avoid using the trans/man/boy words so hopefully it softens the blow a bit and doesn't sound too harsh. Any advice or input would also be appreciated!

"There's something I wanted to talk to you about.

To put it bluntly, since I was born, I knew from my very first thoughts that I was different. When my mum was having me there was a chromosome imbalance, so my brain developed one way and my body developed in another way. So I had surgery when I was younger to fix it. I'm a woman in every way, shape and form and that's it. I had a rough start at life, but I fixed it and moved on and I'm past all that now.

I wanted to tell you this sooner, but everything just went so quickly and I got caught up in the moment because I really liked you. I didn't wanna ruin anything and was scared that it might.

I also wanted to get to know you better before telling you to see if I thought this would go anywhere and I hope you can appreciate my reasons for that and also appreciate how hard it is for me to tell you something so personal. I'm a very private person and for me to open up to anyone about this takes a lot. I hope this doesn't change anything. And I hope your only reaction to this is to wanna give me a cuddle, cos I could really do with one now!"

[Mendi]

I think it´s a nice message and very neutral. At least that will get you started on the topic and it is not too heavy on details immediately.

If he wants to talk more about it, then you can discuss it in more detail.

Second option being, that he doesn´t want to see you anymore and you haven´t really revealed too much about yourself.

I think it´s ok.

I´ve always said, that I used to have a boy body, but as you can see, not much is left from that, if anything. I am what you see with your eyes. Take it or leave it and make up your mind with your eyes